I'm graduating in mere days. Even though I have made nothing lower than a B in the last four years, I have somehow managed to convince myself that something overtly horrible is going to occur now, at the eleventh hour, which will prohibit me from graduating. I've had nightmares that I managed to plagarize an entire paper accidentally. I'm not sure, but I think that would probably be pretty difficult. I also have dreams that I am walking across the stage (cause, you know, even though I'm 31 and old as hell and all, I'm still walking across the stage. It's been a long four years) and they say, "Um. Yeah...about that? We're going to need you to get off the stage now." Then the whole audience points and laughs and this guy with six teeth calls me a fat-ass, because most men, even if you are really skinny and hot think the best way to insult a woman is to call her fat. And although I'm not skinny nor hot, that still is the best way to insult a woman I suppose.
Anyway. The point is, I can't sleep.
This morning in my state of non-sleep, I decided I would watch television. My beloved sleeps um, we'll just say soundly. So I wasn't concerned about waking him up.
I turned on the television to MTV and was delighted to find an episode of the acclaimed hit, "My Super Sweet Sixteen!"
Now, please allow me to say that due to the fact I grew up dirt-ass poor, we never had cable. So even though I'm old and all, I now like to watch MTV.
If you've neven seen My Super Sweet Sixteen, please allow me to break down the formula of the the show I saw this morning and every other episode I've ever seen:
1) Introduction: A skinny white girl who has a rich daddy. Daddy looks like a big, stupid white pimp (think Joe Simpson). Girl whines a lot to get her way. Girl lives in a large mansion. Girl owns several brand name purses and a pink cell phone that had an annoying ring tone.
2) Party: Girl begins to plan her 16th birthday party. Says things (in a valley girl accent) such as , "I've been dreaming of this party my whole life!" and "I HAVE TO HAVE gold napkins at my party! Real gold! Not gold plated! My party has to be the BEST PARTY EVER!"
3) Invites: Girl creates an elaborate theme for handing out invitations to the party. Themes often including hiring actors to do it for her. Sometimes she does it herself. Invites are generally large and pink and fluffy. Girl must shame and horrify her less "kewl" classmates as the invites are being handed out. Things such as "No freshman!" are uttered.
4) Dress: Girl goes to some exotic locale to find "THE PERFECT DRESS!" Tries on approximately 90 dresses and rejects each repeatedly because they are either the wrong color, not "kewl" enough, or don't show enough of her microscopic boobies. Blond stepmother who is approximately 18 purchases dress that no self-respecting parent would ever allow their child to wear in the house, much less in public. Girl tries on dress and proclaims how beautiful she is. Girl says something like, "This dress is like SO AWESOME and it only cost $9000!" Mother/Father/Blond stepmother say, "But you're WORTH it!"
5) Car: Girl goes to a car dealership with her father. Finds the most outlandishly expensive car on the lot. Whines to her father, "DADDY! PLEASE! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!" Dad makes lame attempt to bargain with car dealer. Tells daughter she can't have car. Daughter throws a huge hissy fit and cries without any tears.
6) Meltdown: Girl has a toxic meltdown mere hours before her extravaganza. Usually it's over one of the following topics: a) I hate my hair, b) I hate my makeup, c) I hate my dress or d) I hate my shoes. A large entourage crowds around girl to assure her she is the most glorious thing anyone has ever, or will ever see.
7) Limo: Huge limo or horse and carriage arrive to take girl to the party. Girl says how nervous she is. Girl exits on to the red carpet and waves to the crowd. Entire party crowd rushes up to girl and says things to the cameraman such as "This party ROCKS!"
8) Dancing: Entire crowd dances like strippers. No parents protest this.
9) Entertainment: Generally there is some "celebrity" present. Crowd is asked what they think and they make witty and urbane comments such as "This party ROCKS!"
10) Drama: Some disturbance occurs. Usually it is something like, GASP, a FRESHMAN TRYING TO SNEAK INTO THE PARTY! OMG! Security (overweight guy who works for daddy) is called. Girl shrieks, "I totally don't want that person at my party!" Said "partygoer" is escorted out of the party. Would be partygoer says something like, "I don't care! I don't want to go to your stupid party anyway!" to which girl replies, "Like, OH MY GOD! Whatever!" Girl then says the camera, "I totally understand why she would want to come to my party, because it's the coolest party ever. But she's a FRESHMAN! Oh my GOD!"
11) Car again: Girl is escorted outside by the crowd as her parents look on. Surprise! She got the car she was whining for anyway! Girl learns a valuable lesson: If I whine and fake cry enough, I can get a $45,000 vehicle! Awesome!
12) Cost: Girl casually says, "This party cost my parents $450,000 but it was totally worth it!" I sit and wonder how they will top this for her wedding, providing of course, she finds someone who can put up with her.
13) The end.
Now, I've saved you from ever having to watch this show. Aren't you happy?
Now, I think I'll try to take a nap.