Dear Men That I work with:
I understand that you are all extremely Important. How could I possibly forget that? You remind me on a daily basis. Also, I understand that it is necessary for you to congregate in the hall and discuss Important Things. Why you can't just step into one of the many, many offices that you all get to have, by yourself, I don't understand. I guess I'm just not Important enough to get it.
However, do you really have to have all of your Important meetings in front of the single stall women's bathroom?
Because actually, while I'm taking a pee? I really like to not have 7 different men hear it. I know it's a hang-up of mine that probably stems from my marked lack of importance, but that's really how I feel.
However, I would appreciate not having an audience. You fellows can use my office whilst I'm peeing. I won't mind.
That unimportant Chick
Dear Co-worker who reamed me a new butthole the other day:
I understand that you have a bit of a Napolean complex, seeing as how you make like, four hundred times my annual salary yet I could easily squash you like a bug. However, you coming into my office recently and giving me a big lecture on how to do my job? That really wasn't a good idea. Especially because I'm reporting to YOUR boss this morning that you haven't done 73 of your required reading assignments. Also? I printed out all the emails that I've sent you telling you that you had to do them. Also? I printed out all the receipts where you read them.
Don't mess with me again.
That Chick who has very little tolerance for morons
Dear fat ass:
Um, yeah. I've had about enough of you. Go away already.
See the note I wrote to my fat ass.
Thanks and crap,
Dear Husband's family members:
Dear annoying female coworker with no social skills:
Hon, when you send emails to people in an attempt to look like you know everything? You just look really, really stupid. Because, um, newsflash, you don't know everything. Actually, you know considerably less than you should know. True, you have lots of education and whatnot, but your social skills are just absolutely deplorable.
You may not know this, so I'm going to help you out:
BEING A HUGE, ANNOYING FREAK DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Also? Your haircut? Not so much.
And I'll close as you close every single email to me:
IF YOU NEED FURTHER CLARIFICATION PLEASE CALL ME.
That Chick who doesn't like you. At all.
PS: TURN YOUR CAPS OFF. THAT MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING.
PSS: I totally meant to leave my caps on in the PS. I WAS shouting at you.