Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Open Letters

Dear Men That I work with:

I understand that you are all extremely Important. How could I possibly forget that? You remind me on a daily basis. Also, I understand that it is necessary for you to congregate in the hall and discuss Important Things. Why you can't just step into one of the many, many offices that you all get to have, by yourself, I don't understand. I guess I'm just not Important enough to get it.

However, do you really have to have all of your Important meetings in front of the single stall women's bathroom?

Because actually, while I'm taking a pee? I really like to not have 7 different men hear it. I know it's a hang-up of mine that probably stems from my marked lack of importance, but that's really how I feel.

However, I would appreciate not having an audience. You fellows can use my office whilst I'm peeing. I won't mind.

Sincerely,
That unimportant Chick




Dear Co-worker who reamed me a new butthole the other day:

I understand that you have a bit of a Napolean complex, seeing as how you make like, four hundred times my annual salary yet I could easily squash you like a bug. However, you coming into my office recently and giving me a big lecture on how to do my job? That really wasn't a good idea. Especially because I'm reporting to YOUR boss this morning that you haven't done 73 of your required reading assignments. Also? I printed out all the emails that I've sent you telling you that you had to do them. Also? I printed out all the receipts where you read them.

Don't mess with me again.

Thanks much!
That Chick who has very little tolerance for morons




Dear fat ass:

Um, yeah. I've had about enough of you. Go away already.

Love,
That Chick




Dear Period:

See the note I wrote to my fat ass.

Thanks and crap,
That Chick




Dear Husband's family members:

You suck.

The end,
That Chick



Dear annoying female coworker with no social skills:

Hon, when you send emails to people in an attempt to look like you know everything? You just look really, really stupid. Because, um, newsflash, you don't know everything. Actually, you know considerably less than you should know. True, you have lots of education and whatnot, but your social skills are just absolutely deplorable.

You may not know this, so I'm going to help you out:

BEING A HUGE, ANNOYING FREAK DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

Also? Your haircut? Not so much.

And I'll close as you close every single email to me:

IF YOU NEED FURTHER CLARIFICATION PLEASE CALL ME.

Thanks!
That Chick who doesn't like you. At all.

PS: TURN YOUR CAPS OFF. THAT MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING.

PSS: I totally meant to leave my caps on in the PS. I WAS shouting at you.

15 comments:

CPA Mom said...

Just catching up. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the new design. The white on black hurt my old tired eyes. But I soldiered on because of my love for that chick.

Love-cubed your letters above too. I may borrow the fat ass one. I'm eating away my sorrow.

Rachel said...

1st off, I love the new look!

2nd, DAMN, that was some funny shit right there!!!!!!

Every time I stop in to read I end up laughing, you are just so funny.

The Keeper of Cheerios said...

I love the design. Remind me to never work wherever it is that you work. :)

Britmum said...

I really miss the office shit even after ten years. You made me laugh... way too funny!

Happy Valentines by the way and I know I read that you don't care about it but what the heck I thought I would just throw it in there anyway.

I am going to down a load of chocolate strawberries tonight and my ass can like it.

Take care

Brown Eyed Girl said...

Dear All That Chick's Co-irkers,

For the LOVE of God, please read her letters and LISTEN up people!

Thank you,

One Very Concerned Fried of That Chick over there

Julie said...

Love the new design! The letters crack me up.

frannie said...

Dear Chick,

you are awesome and should totally run the whole effing company!

love,
frannie

dennis said...

wow, you worked out a lot of anger there... :)

about those men outside the restroom...have you checked to verify the door was shut firmly behind you?

Because if it is then they are just borish in their social manners. If it is not, then they are borish pigs. I say this knowing that I would be ... well I probably have said enough!

Jocelyn said...

I agree that the joint looks awesome. How can I spiff mine up, too?!!!

Your notes to the assholes of the world are great. Maybe having some diahrrea in that bathroom by the men's conversation space would teach them a lesson. Right?

Kellie said...

Laughing so hard I have to pee...letters are GREAT!!

Gerbil said...

I love your open letters...

You work with Monkeys. This I have decided.

Stephanette said...

Thanks for the kind words...now if only I could be as funny. I was seriously laughing with my husband. I wish you could comment on my boss, too. Love the new look and can't wait to see wait you come up with next.

SJ said...

Niiiicce! I might have to borrow a few of those sometimes. The people I work with are equally deserving!

And again, I love the new design. I'm jealous.

Emma in Canada said...

I have yet to allow a man I have not slept with more than a hundred times hear me pee. It's just a no go area. But very very very funny. Will CPA Mom give you a ROFL award for February too? I'm thinking chances are good.

Silly Hily said...

Men stand outside our the women's bathroom here all the time too and it make me so mad. I've seriously thought about letting a big old fart loose while in there. Maybe that would make them move.