Last night Boy Child and Girl Child were outside walking the dog. A group of douchehole teenagers from up the street started yelling and taunting them. The dog, naturally, tried to run at the teenagers. Boy Child, who was holding the leash, ended up falling onto the road. The doucheholes then teased Boy Child and laughed at him.
He came in the house with a big scrape on one arm and a bunch of dirt all over his clothes and he and Girl Child breathlessly told me about the doucheholes.
Now, naturally, being a mother and all, I desperately wanted to go outside, get in my SUV and run the doucheholes over. Then back up and run over them again, just for my own personal satisfaction. Since I didn't want to mess up my car, I then thought about going out there and beating the crap out of them. Because I could totally take them.
But I didn't.
Calmly, I washed my son's battered arm. My daughter went and got his three band aids and carefully peeled the wrappers off, as she rubbed his back and said, "It's okay...it's okay."
"Listen," I said to them. "Kids like that? They don't matter. In ten years when they are in jail or whatever? And you have a really good life? They won't matter. They don't matter now and they won't matter then."
Boy Child sniffed, "Did kids ever make fun of you mom?"
"Yes," I assured him. "Of course. Everyone gets made fun of by someone, no matter what. And you know what? Those girls who made fun of me? They have like twelve kids and live in crack houses and have really bad hair. It doesn't matter who you are or what you do or what you look like, some jerk will make fun of you at some point. And why do people make fun of others?"
"Because they feel bad about themselves," they said in unison.
"Also," I said, because clearly, I'm never going to win mother of the year, "if those boys ever make fun of you again, tell them to shut the hell up."
Boy Child and Girl Child began to laugh.
"Someday I'm going to become a Police Officer," said Boy Child. "And I will totally arrest them."
Girl Child said, "Here's what you do. Make a big sign that says, 'DON'T SAY I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING'. Then, tell them they are under arrest. Then when they say, 'What? I didn't do anything!' then you point to the sign. And they are under arrest."
"It's a win-win situation!" Boy Child exclaimed.
Tell me now. How did I get so lucky?