Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Even my dreams are lame.

Do you ever just wish you were somebody else?

I mean, not a completely different person or anything (although I do have days like that). But just like…better. Or more interesting or smarter or skinnier or more witty or something?

I imagine myself all the time as this person who would have dinner parties.

No, seriously. That’s as high as I can hope for myself. Dinner parties.

I imagine having this big group of friends who would come over and visit me. I’d be in the kitchen cooking, possibly even julienning freaking carrots or something, while John Legend songs played on the stereo system. Jason could entertain my friends while I periodically shouted things from the kitchen such as,

“I like his views on foreign policy!”

and maybe

“Thus, nuclear physics can be regarded as the descendant of chemistry and atomic physics and in turn the progenitor of particle physics!”

Okay, maybe not that actually. Maybe just something like:

“Glib actually means readily fluent! Often thoughtlessly!”

Note to self: Glib is a good way to describe you.

After dinner we’d all retire to the porch and watch the children play in the backyard and we’d laugh and say funny things about how they are growing up way to fast and how expensive college is getting to be and by the way, did I mention my book is coming out in hardcover next month? And I’ll sign it for you, for a small fee. And everyone would chuckle. Hehe.

Later, I’d load all the dishes into my dishwasher and view the event with a sense of satisfaction.

But? See, I can’t be that person.

Because being that person would require things like, gravy boats and full sets of matching dishes, and not living in a neighborhood so inhabited by crackheads that you fear your good friends cars will be molested while they are inside your home. Also, the ability to julienne carrots, which clearly, I do not have.

I wish I could write the script to my own life. That would rock. Jason would never say anything stupid, my kids would get straight A’s in school, and I would have freaking dinner parties. With carrots even.

31 comments:

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

And a fantastic time would be had by all.

It will be a blast!

Stephanie said...

If you had a dinner party, I would totally come. And the crackheads can try to molest my car all they want. Did I mention that I own the batmobile?

Brown Eyed Girl said...

I'm come and I'd help you with the carrots.

If we're writing the script can I be independtly MODERATELY wealthy?

dennis said...

well, dinner parties are easy...I am sure Tony (CreativeType Dads) and Betty (W.A.Y.A.) would agree that all one needs would be a bucket of the Col's best and friends to enjoy!!

(no cooking necessary)

stepmomof2 said...

I can totally identify with this post on so many levels. He does that make me lame? Because I do not think you are lame at all. Stope being so hard on yourself.

stepmomof2 said...

Oh my Lord, I meant stop, lol

CPA Mom said...

I would come to your dinner party anytime. No matter the crackheads. I have pepper spray and two handguns. BWAHAHAHAHAHA

I can julienne carrots. I will teach you grasshopper.

AnnieM said...

I would totally come to your dinner party. I make a mean banana cake with cream cheese frosting. I for that night, I'd flip the bird to Weight Watchers.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I love you.

No, really. I do.

When you figure out how to make that person real, let me know. Because then I can be here, too.

Kimberly said...

I don't even know what it means to julienne a carrot, that's how much of a neophyte I am.

Then again, I use words like neophyte. I'm a walkin' dichotomy, I am.

I dream of dinner parties too.

frannie said...

being that my hubby is a scientist and all our friends are scientist- our dinner parties do contain conversations like that. I don't talk much....

nailgirl24 said...

I always daydream that I am being interviewed on Ellen about my latest best seller of a book. I do however not dream of julienne carrots cuz that's just not happening. Oh and the dinner parties...... I love to entertain but uh no no carrots.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

I have the same dream... it will never happen...

I can't cook...

oh and I don't have anyone to entertain while I call out from the kitchen...

But I do love John Legend!

julie said...

I would like to be a dinner party person, too. I'd need to get some friends first, though.

As far as the carrots, maybe you could get one of those infomercial slicer thingies. Then you'd be set.

Ellie said...

I can really relate to this post.

In my dreams I am a writer, one who knows her grammer really well and can put her words together and they form this amazing story and there are sequels and prequels and movies.

I would love to come to one of your dinner parties and I would be the one in the kitchen with you, helping you put the finishing touches on everything. You have great dreams!

Jocelyn said...

Were you by any chance a hardcore "thirtysomething" fan about a decade ago? I know you're young and all, but you've pretty much modeled your own life after that of Hope and Michael.

I know this, because I've done the same. Except my children are not named Jane and Leo.

I swear.

Emma in Canada said...

I wish I was the person who had dinner parties, but since it would mean throwing away all the crap in my house in order to maintain some cleanliness it isn't going to happen. I do read a blog where they are forever entertaining though and I am quite envious.

I would so travel south for a dinner party at yours. Don't forget my invite!

velocibadgergirl said...

I don't have a gravy boat, but I have dinner parties. They usually involve people sitting around on the living room floor since we have more friends than seats, but they're lots of fun.

I bet you would give a KICKASS dinner party, gravy boat or no gravy boat. I'd definitely be there.

Or you can come to one of mine! xoxo

velocibadgergirl said...

PS And I can't even cook! You can totally go potluck if you have the right kinds of friends :D

Amy W said...

I would come to your house for a party even if we were having hamburger helper!

Shanilie said...

What a great idea. I would love to be able to write the script for my life too! Erase a few things in the past, make things a little more exciting for the future and you're right...Ryan would never say anything stupid lol.

I feel the same way some times. I would love to be able to entertain more, have people for meals. I am always very proud of myself when I do a meat, potato and carrot meal. I have to say it rarely happens!

Hope you have a Fab. wonderful Easter weekend!

Gerbil said...

I can't julienne carrots either. And I own a gravy boat but only use it at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Neither are required for a dinner party. All you really need is you, Invitees and Dinner. There you go. Go forth and party.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I cooked tacos last night, with the box dinner kit, and I considered that fancy for my cooking skillz. So you've got me beat. And I'd come to your dinner party. I'd bring my attack dog Hannah just in case the crackheads tried to mess with my car.

Rachel said...

I would totally come to your dinner party! And, since I don't know wtf a julienned carrot is, I will not know the difference.

All of our friends are too rednecky to have a dinner party, unless watching the race and drinkin a beer counts!

Catwoman said...

I'll bring pizza to your dinner party so that you don't have to stress over my carrots.

But I do make a freaking awesome filet mignon in a merlot sauce that would blow those scientist smarty pants at the dinner party's white socks in black shoes off.

Oh and in my dream, I can actually sing on key and people are constantly begging me to sing for them and I blush all modestly, even though my voice makes people weep (but in a good way). And I have a lot of Grammies. Like a lot. Like so many, I use some as door stoppers.

Oh and John Legend sucks. He's a total attitude jack ass who treats people like dirt. My friend had to handle him at an event after two other people from his company quit over John Legend's ridiculous temper tantrums and horrific tongue lashings.

So I refuse to give him a single penny I make and advise everyone else I know to do the same.

Put on a Michael Buble (he's Canadian!!!! CD on instead, and I am SO there!

Catwoman said...

And what's with me writing these crazy long comments these days? Ugh!

Emily said...

You're not alone. I tried to julienne carrots once and about lost a finger. So then I decided to make extra thin julienned carrots and used the vegetable peeler. It was totally not the same.

Angie said...

You can buy julienned carrots at the grocery store somewhere near the pre-shredded coleslaw.

What famous people would you invite to your dinner party if there was no limit to your guest list? And why?

Dr.John said...

Carrots aren't all they are cracked up to be.

my4kids said...

I have a gravy boat and full set of dishes but they are the hubby's grandma's and he feels they should never be used!
Other then that we eat off of mispatched plates and tupperware. To embarrasing to have dinner parties. Besides most the people we know don't go to dinner parties since you can't have a car in the kitchen or house its not so exciting....
I'd come to your dinner party also.

That Chick Over There said...

Angie asks:
What famous people would you invite to your dinner party if there was no limit to your guest list? And why?

Obviously, I would invite Fred Thompson. Because I heart him.

I would invite Jennifer Weiner, because I love the way she writes and I think she's really funny. Also, I imagine she's a good cook. I don't really know if she is or not, but that's what I imagine.

I would also invite Drew Barrymore, because I think she'd be nice. I don't know why I think that, but I do.

Spiderman. Well, because he's SPIDERMAN. Duh!

James Earl Jones so he could do the Darth Vader voice.

I would invite Harold Ford, Jr. Just cause.

Suze Orman, so we could talk money.

I would invite Jessica Simpson so I could meet her at the door and be all like, "Is it camels? Or cameras? Cameras? Okay. Now leave."

I guess that's it.