Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hi! I'm depressed!

I thought since I'm going to be all heavy in my post today, I might as well try to put a positive spin on it in my Title.

Did it work? No? Not so much? I'm sorry.

I've had a series of bad days lately. A long, long series. I kept telling myself that I'm in a funk and then I realized, I'm actually depressed. I hate being depressed. Even the word depressed just sucks monkey butt.

I'm depressed because:

1) I'm still a fatty la-la.
2) My sister lost one of her babies and it broke her heart and I love her so much that it broke my heart too (not even to get into how I personally felt about the whole thing).
3) My job is full of insane people.
4) I worry almost constantly about my dad and there is just nothing I can do about it.
5) The insane people at my job want to draw me into their insanity.
6) I am not interested in their insanity.
7) I am stuck, stuck, stuck in writing my book. I just cannot get past the point that I'm at and it makes me feel anxious and irritated.
8) A beloved friend of mine has breast cancer and I feel like I haven't done anything to help her.
9) I feel like I suck as a friend, period lately.
10) My mothering skills are also questionable.
11) I'm tired, unmotivated, scared, and sad.
12) My husband works 70 hours a week...I feel like I never see him and I really, really miss him.
13) I think my dog has a cold and doesn't even have words to tell me.
14) Even though I have given up on having another child, I'm pissed as hell that I'm infertile.
15) My neighbors are douchehats.
16) I want so desperately to "fix" the relationship with Jason's family and I can't get it through my thick skull that no matter what I do and no matter what I say and no matter how much I want it, THEY DON'T WANT IT.


I'm trying hard to think of positive things. I do count my blessings. I thank God for my beautiful
family, I thank God for my health, I thank God for the fact that I have a job and have money to pay my bills. I thank God that my sister's surviving baby's heart looks really good and that my precious little niece is going to make things feel better and brighter.

I'm not looking for advice, really. Mostly I'm just venting.
Also? Proving that I'm so not funny all the time.

23 comments:

frannie said...

no one is funny all the time.

I know you aren't looking for advice or anything so I just want to let you know that I am here reading... depressed, happy, funny or sad.

nailgirl24 said...

Hugs from one fattie to another lol. No I am not being mean. Go read my reply to you at my site.

Kimberly said...

You don't have to be funny to be loveable. It's easy to forget that when you're being praised for your hilarity all the time, but it's true.

Shanilie said...

It is great to be able to use the blog as a place to let things out. I know your heart is heavy and most people if they even had to deal with just one of those things you mentioned in that list would be pulling their hair out so to speak. That is a lot of things to be thinking about thats for sure. I hope that things will start making progress in all of those areas. One quote I can't stand "It could be worse" ;) People used to say it too me all the time when I was a kid, so one day my brother and I tried to think of the most absolute therrible thing out there that could be happening to us...then we thought of hell (gotta love a childs mind) and we decided to say to everyone who said that comment to us that "yea, we could be on fire"

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

You are human.
I understand about your book. I am stalled on mine for similar reasons. Blogging is helping. Getting to know you better is helping too.

I will be praying extra for you tonight.

Bethany said...

Hi. My name is Bethany. I'm depressed too. Some of the reasons are the same. Blows, huh?

my4kids said...

It's okay not to be funny all the time. You've got plenty of reasons to be depressed about and everyone deserves to vent when they are. That is one of things I like about blogging. You kind of feel like you can tell people and you always get comments from people there to support you. Feel better soon, okay, but its okay to take your time.

alissa said...

I have a little pink friend. Her name is Paxil. She makes me feel much, much better.

Amira said...

I hear ya, sister. Being depressed sucks, but feel free to wade through and vent it. Sometimes I feel like my blog is just one big piss and moan fest. But, hey, it's MY blog. I started it to help me keep my sanity. And it's the cheapest therapy I've got in a world of a whole lotta expenses right now.

Will pray for you and your sis (thanks for reminding me).

Take care of yourself, Chick.

Emma in Canada said...

I don't think your mothering skills should ever come into question. We are all entitles to shitty, depressing days...you've had a lot going on.

Brown Eyed Girl said...

You do not have to be funny all the time.

I love you just the way you are everyday.

I can reassure you that if I know you well enough...1,8, 9 & 10..are so not true.

I adore you because 13 shows HOW much you are GOOD PEOPLE.

2 & 4 show that no matter what happens with our family.....they are the ties that bind.

3, 5, 6 & 15 well...stupid is as stupid does..and well thankfully they are co-workers and NOT family...

I think 7 & 11 are tied to 12 and I think you need to very sweetly and in the most delicate way honestly express 12 to Jason. It may help.

16 is something I wish I could wave a magic wand and make better for you...for the better part of the 4+ years I've known you.

14 makes me wish I were a better incubator. I would have a child for you in a minute..because you are my family. Family I never knew I had..but you ARE my family.

Emily said...

Whenever I write a post venting about things, I feel guilty and the need to mention how I'm lucky about this and that. But, ya know...sometimes it's ok to just vent. Everything's relative.

Kellie said...

You're human. I'm sorry you feel so down. I wish I could make it better for you. I'd carry a baby for you....not even knowing you, I'd do it.

I'm like you and always try to remember how lucky I am...as Emily said: it IS okay to vent and be sad.

Smile...we all love you!!

Julie said...

You're always welcome to vent - we'll still love you even if you aren't being funny! Sending big hugs you way!

Amy W said...

I am hoping that venting has made you feel somewhat better. And I am SURE your parenting skills are awesome, have you gone back and read some of the stuff about your kids? Can you parent mine??

Stephanette said...

You know what you said to me..."You aren't horrible at all." You can vent all you want at me. We can have a huge vent party. I will always listen. No funnies necessary. I'm sending out a prayer for you and your, Chick.

Rachel said...

We don't come here expecting you to be funny all the time. Although, I may have snickered at "douchehats".

Your mothering skills are not questionable!!! Boy Child and Girl Child are great kids. I'm so sorry that you are not having good days right now. We all go through that sometimes. It will get better.

P.S. My cat has allergies and he sneezes all the time!

Debbie said...

Venting feels good sometimes. We all have days of self doubt and feeling just plain crappy. I can so relate.

Also, I have given you a Thinking Blog Award. Check out my blog to get it and (if you want) nominate five of your own to pass the award onto.

Catwoman said...

What? A not funny post? Are you kidding me right now? That's the only reason I come here! I figured it was better than using you for your body, but now I'm going to have to rethink that.

I'm hoping that made you smile just a little bit.

People who are happy all the time drink too much. You don't want to be one of them, because liver transplants? I hear they hurt like a bitch.

SJ said...

Venting helps, and that's what you do! And regardless of what you say, funny or not, I still love your blog!

Cheer up girl!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

*HUG*
*HUG*
*HUG*
*HUG*
*HUG*
*HUG*

CPA_Mom said...

I am with you sister. Depression, it is my middle name.

1) Yeah, me too.
2) That breaks my heart too and I don't even know her.
3/5/6 - been there, done that.
4) I'm sorry, I didn't know he was sick. My husband just got terrible health news though so I can relate to the worry
7) It's o.k. Writer's block will pass.
8) I know of whom you speak and I feel the exact same way.
9) Me too.
10) NOT TRUE you are the mom I WANT TO BE
11) Yeah, ditto
12) I think HP can relate to you here. My late husband worked that much 12 months a year, I remember it well.
13) Might be allergies.
14) If you or I won the lottery, I would so be a surrogate for you. Did you look into that grant?
15) Yes, mine too.
16) Yes, me too. My in-laws just don't care. Why can't I?

You must be my internet twin.

Heathie said...

It's way too much work to always be funny, especially when stuff happens, which it invariably does. I love that you're unpretentious, whether your writings are funny or serious. Hope things start looking up for you.