Monday, April 02, 2007

Open mouth, insert entire leg.

I couldn’t post anything yesterday because it was April 1st. And I’m nobody’s fool.

Do you have that one person in your life that no matter what you are guaranteed to make a fool of yourself when that person is around?

I do.

Unfortunately? He’s the Project Manager here at my work. AKA: The big boss. AKA: The person I should actually try to impress, not humiliate myself around.

In case it’s not pretty obvious, I say a lot of inappropriate things. It helps pass the time. I share an office with two other people and they not only are used to my inappropriateness, I would say they actually encourage it by being as inappropriate as possible themselves. The three of us really require adult supervision.

I have the unique disadvantage, however, of having my back to the door. So that means I cannot see when anyone is approaching and my Project Manager often hears the ends of conversations. For example, recently he walked in as I was saying,

“So apparently, these men LIKE the lactating strippers. These women squirt breast milk on them and then…”

And another day I was saying,

“She told him that she was NOT going to let him stick ANYTHING in her butt!”

(And that one was TOTALLY taken out of context. Promise.)


“I hate them. They suck. They are bastard coated bastards with bastard cream filling.”

And there was another one that was so bad that I am ashamed to type it all out here. It is now known around the office as The Queen Mother of All Things Inappropriate. And it includes the word anus. And really, I promise it was TOTALLY just bad timing. But what are you gonna do?

Is this a problem that is just unique to me? Or does everyone have someone they regularly mortify themselves in front of?


Rachel said...

I don't discriminate, I prefer to say stupid things in front of everyone.

Amy W said...

I agree with Rachel, I tend to say stupid crap to just about anyone within earshot.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Um, lets just say: You are not alone.

EE said...

OMG...this is me!! It's usually with people in "authority" positions. You cannot believe the things that have come out of my mouth in front of my pastor at church. Of course, he's cool with it and is used to my antics.
I also have a problem with male doctors...especially when under antisthetic:0

CPA Mom said...

Take heart. You aren't mortifying yourself in front of anyone since it all takes place behind your back!

Stephanie said...

Yeah, well I usually say and do the stupidest things in front of the most important people. It's ok, though, because my boss is my dad...

Angie said...

None of this surprises me in the least. From the very first I suspected your personality here was much the very same in real life. Out loud and very funny.

Jocelyn said...

It's just you.

Hahahahaha. We're all idiots at times, of course.

I'm just trying to think of how you could rearrange your office so that your back is no longer to the door. Or maybe, without the Big Cheese knowing, you could implant a GPS chip in him/her that lets you know when approach is imminent?

Kimberly said...

I don't have this problem...but only because I've so dull that inappropriate things to say don't even occur to me.

Till I'm lying in bed reviewing my day, and then I giggle to myself and when Neil asks me, "What?" I never tell him.

SJ said...

Yup, you have just described me. And then I wised up and bought a mirror....and it's positioned at my desk just right so that I can see who's behind me at all times.

Maybe that will work for you?

Catwoman said...

Maybe you could wear a baseball hat with a rear view mirror duck taped on it so that you could see him approaching.

The only other tip I'd have would be to stop using the word anus, but that's obviously completely ridiculous advice that I wouldn't be able to follow either.

If it makes you better, my boss always walks in on me either scratching my boobs or removing fur/hair/fuzz from them.

He probably thinks I'm completely obsessed with my own boobs.

Which I am, of course. I mean, who isn't?

HollowSquirrel said...

Yes, I have a couple people that I do that with, and it's just mortifying. Today, I said JACKASS twice at this big playgroup and got the much deserved stinkeye from several moms. UGH so stupid. It just slipped-- twice. I wanna work with you, though!! You sound just like the coworkers I like! :)

Blue Angel said...

I say stupid things all the time. And yes I have those people that hear only the worst of me. I sure wish I worked with you.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Please do not attempt to change anything about yourself.

I wasn't supposed to say anything to you about this, but.....according to your boss, whenever he's feeling overwhelmed by the day and needs a little something to cheer him up, he heads straight to your office in the chance that he might overhear the end of a conversation. That usually does the trick.

You are doing a good thing there. Keep it up.

Think of it as a Public Service.

Have a blessed day!

my4kids said...

OMG you practically had me in tears by the way... to funny. And I am laughing with you by the way. Only because both the hubby and I do the same thing around other people and to each other. Just today I was playing with kids and Izzak noticed a hole in my pants near the knee my comment "Izzak get your hands out of my pants!" um yeah glad no one else was around because that would have been weird. Hubby thought it was hilarious though. My big one though is mispronunciations that totally come out wrong. So take heart you are not the not in the minority.

Gerbil said...

I'm equal opportunity, I manage to make a fool of myself in front of everyone.

No 1 said...

I've been diagnosed with "diarreah of the mouth" on more than one occasion.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I've been laughing at "bastard-coated bastard with bastard cream filling" for two days now.

Just thought I'd let you know.