Monday, May 07, 2007

A different kind of Thank You.

I’ve often wondered if I’d ever come to a point in my life where I would be able to have forgiveness for people who have “wronged” me. As I’ve mentioned before forgiveness isn’t exactly my strong suit.

Over the weekend, I realized I have forgiven my ex-husband.

My aunt Tracie and I were talking about, of all things, eye colors. I have green eyes. Both of my children have brown eyes. Tracie said, “What color are Jason’s eyes?” I told her they were brown. A few minutes later, she laughed and said, “I asked what color Jason’s eyes are because I forgot about your first husband!” I told her I had too and we laughed.

I haven’t forgotten him. He’s just like a vague, fuzzy memory of what used to be. Every now and then I allow myself to think of what my life would have been like if he and I had stayed married, and usually it’s so horrible that I just dismiss it immediately and won’t allow myself to go back to it.

It isn’t even about what a bad husband he would be. He would have been a dreadful husband. Good LORD. Words cannot even begin to express his numerous flaws as a husband.

But for me it’s more about the other things.

I wouldn’t have a college degree.
I wouldn’t have a nice home (sucky neighborhood, true. But nice home).
I wouldn’t be emotionally stable.

Okay, I’m not all that emotionally stable at this point. But I’m closer to emotional stability than I have ever been in my life.

I wouldn’t be me.

Now, some would argue that “me” is not all that great. My mother-in-law, I am certain, would have some strong disagreement with the concept of “me”. Thankfully, her opinion does not faze me. Because, you know, she doesn't count.

I’m okay with me. I’m okay with the person I’m becoming. I’m not a cake…I’ll never be done. But who I am, for now, is okay.

So many people I know right now are going through some horrible difficulties with their former husbands or wives (or baby daddy’s or whatever). I hear about their issues and I wish I could do something, anything to help them through it.

My ex-husband is a huge ass, a horrible human being, and basically a waste of skin. But he did me two of the best services ever. He provided spermies to have my two beautiful, wonderful children. And then he left us the hell alone.

And while I don’t think he’s intelligent enough to actively realize how much of a gift it is that he’s left us alone, that’s what it is. Actually, he probably thinks he’s hurting me by not being a part of the children’s lives.

The joke is totally on him!

But that’s probably not a Christian way to think about it, right? And since I’m being generous and all, I don’t want to lose my testimony.

So, ex-husband. Though you both suck and are a huge tool, you at least don’t subject me or my wonderful children to it.

And for that, I thank you.

16 comments:

Rachel said...

Good for you for realizing all of this! Instead of looking at the bad you see the good that came out of the situation. Good that YOU created. You could have just rolled over and given up, but you didn't. You're amazing! And you are getting everything you deserve now!

Emma in Canada said...

So very true! I can never regret my first marriage, to someone I never should have married, because he gave me my two oldest. And as much as I may struggle with my oldest I'd not give her up for the world.

CPA Mom said...

That's how I feel about my ex. I'm grateful he didn't fight the divorce, married his mistress, and dropped the hell out of my life. Best thing he ever did for me. I feel absolutely nothing for him anymore. And it's a nice weight off my shoulders.

Tonya said...

Great post and awesome that you realized it..

Catwoman said...

If that is not the post of a confident woman who has her you-know-what together, I don't know what is.

We should all strive to be like you.

Kellie said...

Good for you...

I'm with catwoman...I wanna be like you!!

Kimberly said...

I'm fairly well bursting with pride for you. =)

Stephanette said...

So, here's the deal...I learn new lessons from you every time I read or reread something you write.

thanks

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

And Thanks to God for bringing the awesome Jason into your life.

God is good.

Bless you.

stepmomof2 said...

Well said. Sometimes it's better to not have certain people in your life. I'm sure your kids wouldn't trade your husband for the world.

Making my way in PA said...

I just have to say.

Amen to the quote below.

"Now, some would argue that “me” is not all that great. My mother-in-law, I am certain, would have some strong disagreement with the concept of “me”. Thankfully, her opinion does not faze me. Because, you know, she doesn't count."

I actually don't use the term mother-in-law. I just say Brooks' mom. Much more like she is not even a part of my life. It is like saying sister's friend or something generic like that.

M said...

This post is why you amaze me. And why I wanna be you when I grow up. You really are remarkable.

BS said...

This could have been me writing this post - you are right on target. I have 2 wonderful sons because of my ex but haven't spoken to him in probably 15 - 20 years - and I feel completely OK with it.

Amira said...

*Sigh.*

Thanks, Chick. I needed to read that.

I hope I can say the same some time in the not-too-distant future.

Love to you and the brood.

Kelly M said...

You should be proud of yourself. Not too many people can take a bad situation and turn it positive! Its good you came to this realization and can even write about it. I admire you for this...take a lot of courage and strength and you have proven you have both!!

SJ said...

I so admire you for this. You're children have an amazing Mom and you should be very proud!