I’ve often wondered if I’d ever come to a point in my life where I would be able to have forgiveness for people who have “wronged” me. As I’ve mentioned before forgiveness isn’t exactly my strong suit.
Over the weekend, I realized I have forgiven my ex-husband.
My aunt Tracie and I were talking about, of all things, eye colors. I have green eyes. Both of my children have brown eyes. Tracie said, “What color are Jason’s eyes?” I told her they were brown. A few minutes later, she laughed and said, “I asked what color Jason’s eyes are because I forgot about your first husband!” I told her I had too and we laughed.
I haven’t forgotten him. He’s just like a vague, fuzzy memory of what used to be. Every now and then I allow myself to think of what my life would have been like if he and I had stayed married, and usually it’s so horrible that I just dismiss it immediately and won’t allow myself to go back to it.
It isn’t even about what a bad husband he would be. He would have been a dreadful husband. Good LORD. Words cannot even begin to express his numerous flaws as a husband.
But for me it’s more about the other things.
I wouldn’t have a college degree.
I wouldn’t have a nice home (sucky neighborhood, true. But nice home).
I wouldn’t be emotionally stable.
Okay, I’m not all that emotionally stable at this point. But I’m closer to emotional stability than I have ever been in my life.
I wouldn’t be me.
Now, some would argue that “me” is not all that great. My mother-in-law, I am certain, would have some strong disagreement with the concept of “me”. Thankfully, her opinion does not faze me. Because, you know, she doesn't count.
I’m okay with me. I’m okay with the person I’m becoming. I’m not a cake…I’ll never be done. But who I am, for now, is okay.
So many people I know right now are going through some horrible difficulties with their former husbands or wives (or baby daddy’s or whatever). I hear about their issues and I wish I could do something, anything to help them through it.
My ex-husband is a huge ass, a horrible human being, and basically a waste of skin. But he did me two of the best services ever. He provided spermies to have my two beautiful, wonderful children. And then he left us the hell alone.
And while I don’t think he’s intelligent enough to actively realize how much of a gift it is that he’s left us alone, that’s what it is. Actually, he probably thinks he’s hurting me by not being a part of the children’s lives.
The joke is totally on him!
But that’s probably not a Christian way to think about it, right? And since I’m being generous and all, I don’t want to lose my testimony.
So, ex-husband. Though you both suck and are a huge tool, you at least don’t subject me or my wonderful children to it.
And for that, I thank you.