Thursday, May 03, 2007

Live from the traffic center!

Every day I like to listen to the traffic reports on my way into to work to see how many accidents there have been.

Notice I didn’t say “if there have been any accidents”. Because there is no “if” involved. There will be accidents.

Usually the traffic reports are like this:

We’ve got an accident with injuries on Interstate 40 at exit 379, a two car accident on I’ll-kill-ya highway, possible injuries, and a school bus in the ditch off of Fishkill Road. Save money on your car insurance by calling Direct!

Yeah. Car insurance companies always seem to sponsor the traffic reports. That’s clever marketing.

I wish there was some truth in the traffic reports and they would say things like,

Okay, on Interstate 40 going East near exit 319, we’ve got some moron in a Gray Nissan who is putting on her make-up while driving. Putting on her make-up people! So she’s, you know, swerving all over the road and such, so you might want to avoid her.

On Interstate 40 West, we’ve got a State Trooper in the furthest left hand lane. You totally can’t miss him as he is completely holding up traffic by driving five miles under the speed limit, and for some reason everyone is afraid to pass him doing the real, actual speed limit. Looks like a lot of folks are cursing him under their breath though, so you might want to watch for that massive amount of anger that seems to be brewing, as it might blow up.

And…looks like directly in front of the middle school we have a 200 year old man who is, apparently, still somewhat living and attempting to drive a car. Clearly, he does not have anywhere to be at 7am so he’s going to be pretty much holding up everyone who does, really,
actually have somewhere to be. Note the large woman in the Cadillac Escalade who is yelling at him, “GOOD GOD GET OFF THE FREAKING ROAD!” You might want to take an alternate route to avoid Grandpa Slowpants.

Save money on your car insurance by not driving like a complete idiot! It doesn’t matter what company you chose if you don’t behave like a tool!




That will so never happen.

16 comments:

Shanilie said...

What is with all the bad drivers?! You may have to change your blog name to “GOOD GOD GET OFF THE FREAKING ROAD!”

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

You must live somewhere near my mom...she's close to those exits on 40... :)

Which is why I LOVE LOVE LOVE going to her house and the continuing traffic due to construction... grrrr

Amy W said...

Interstate 40 in NC is near and dear to my heart...

Love this! My whole other thing? Why do they have to pretty much shut down the highway for a fender bender? I know, we should give emergency workers PLENTY of room, I completely agree, but when I see 4 fire trucks and three ambulances at a wreck with little or no damage, I kind of wonder if they are just practicing...

Sorry to rant...

frannie said...

they should hire you to do the reports!

Rachel said...

Bwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaah ha ha ha! See you made me laugh this morning too!

One of the local tv stations is hiring a new traffic reporter. You should move here and get that job and then we could go have a drink after work!

Julie said...

How about the cop on the shoulder, just sitting there with his lights on. Doesn't have anyone pulled over - looks like he's doing paperwork. Does he really need his lights on for that? I pass one of those almost everyday. Everyone slows down to check him out.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I do believe you have found your second career.

You Rock, Chick!

Kimberly said...

Okay, so many people stole my idea of suggesting a new career path for you.

I feel so unoriginal.

Emma in Canada said...

They may never do it, but it would be freaking hilarious if they did.

Tonya said...

Oh yeah that would be too funny!! I don't drive yet but hubby usually has someone to complain about.. lol

my4kids said...

love your traffic report. yes that would be so much better then the one we receive now.

Kelly M said...

HOw funny...you should think about a career change. You could be one of those traffic reporters that fly in the helicopter and report the traffic...people would definitely be entertained!

Christy said...

It might never happen, but I would SO pay money for it if it would. I don't really care about the 27 car pileup (well...I do, but y'know) but I would LOVE to know where all the stupid, old & clueless drivers are. Please develop this idea. I want you on my radio station.

SJ said...

I never understood why they announce 'non-injury' vs. 'injury' accidents on the traffic report. And that is something that I thought only Colorado Springs did. I guess not.

New career in the works here?

EE said...

Teehee...you are too funny!!

dennis said...

You totally forgot to mention those idoits that cannot make a left/right curve on the interstate in the rain, while driving at speed!!

or how about that driver in the far left lane that absolutely misses the exit and swerves across 4 lanes of traffic without looking and just misses the crash barrels?

or the hottie that circles the outerbelt during rush hour while in the nude?

Wait a minute. That one i want to see...