Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I've been found out.

So last night, my husband found out I have a blog.

Okay, technically? I told him about it before, but seriously, he pays no attention to the things I say. I don’t get very upset by this because I never shut up, and I imagine it can be very difficult trying to keep up with me. But he didn’t really know I have a blog before last night, even though I had told him.

I had left two windows open on the computer and he sat down and said, “What is this? Jason, for the love of God? Blog published successfully?”

I just looked at him. For the first ten seconds I thought, “Why is he acting like he doesn’t know…” and then for the next ten seconds I thought, “Holy crap, he doesn’t know.”

He said, “Is this your blog? Is this what it’s called?”

I said, “Um. Yes.”

He looked rather bemused. He didn’t ask why I called it that, though. I guess it’s obvious.

He said, “So you write about me in your blog?”

Duh. “Yes. I’ll show it you sometime.”

He laughed. “Sometime? So you can edit it first?”

“No,” I said. “I say nice things about you.”

He looked at me kind of funny and then said, “Why are you so hesitant? What’s upsetting you about this?”

And you know what? I don’t know.

I don’t know why the thought of him reading my blog made me feel cold and queasy inside.

But it did.

“It’s just my writing,” I said. “And…I don’t know. It’s just my writing.”

He didn’t seem impressed.

“It’s just so…private,” I said, finally. (And, private? What? It’s on the freaking internet for the world to see.)

He said, “So, what, you need to get to know me better or something?”

And then he laughed.

And then I laughed.

And we could not stop laughing.

But okay, seriously? Today, I feel weird again.

Because, honestly? He doesn’t seem to think I’m all that funny.

Okay last night? When I explained what a Dirty Sanchez is and the path that led me to discovering what it is (which was actually due to Celebrity Fit Club and is a very long story), he was laughing really, really hard. But usually, my hilariousness is totally lost on him. The things I say on my blog? I say in real life. This is exactly how I am in real life, except I look much skinnier on the internet and in real life I’m often distracted and ditzy and say more curse words.

So why does that make me feel weird?

I guess I've really been struggling with this lately. I asked a good blogger friend the other day, if she would tell me honestly, for reals and for true, if she would pay green money to read something I had written.

She said she pay money to read my blog. *

And that? Made me happy.
Also? Freaked me out.

Because, yeah, COOL. But at the same time, holy cow.

Maybe I could really do this. You know. For real.

And I'm really afraid of when new people read my blog...even my husband. No one has ever been really mean to me and most people are super-supportive, but I get an occasional nasty comment via email.

I know my husband wouldn't be mean. I know he wouldn't.

So I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on the problem.

*I'd never make anyone pay money to read my blog. Just so you know.


Angie said...

. . .but we would.

And, for the record, it kind of made me feel queepy when I realized that Mark read my blog. I don't usually complain about him, or anything, but it was weird.

and yes, I understand the paradox that the whole freaking world can read it too.

My mother in law reads my blog, as do my parents. I know your MIL probably doesn't read your blog. . . .she might benefit from those open letters to her, though, you know?

I hope you will consider writing someday. Maybe a guest editorial column in the News-Sentinel????

Stephanette said...

I freaked out the first time that someone I *kinda* know in real life commented on my blog.

Like panic attack freaked out. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I did.

Cajun Man reading my blog made me sick to my stomach until he started telling me to remember to blog this later. Then I breathed a sigh of relief.

But the thought of him thinking I suck big time was too much for me!

Emma in Canada said...

I too would pay to read your blog.

William sometimes reads my blog. I don't mind really, but it means I can no longer say bad things about him because he thinks you guys only get one side of the story.

Obviously. Since it's my blog. And my side of the story is usually the right one.

Angie said...

re: your comment.

yes, he does. He really, really does.

Anonymous said...

I happened to stumble upon your blog and now read every day. As in, I make it a point to go to your blog and read it every day. Why? Because you are a very talented writer - you're entertaining and real (albeit a bit hard on yourself from time to time).

And from what I've read - you are also an amazing person. There are so many times when I read one of your posts and think, "She should be SO proud of herself!" You have your priorities straight in a big way.

I also have to agree, maybe you should send your MIL a link to your blog? As well as your ex? Then they could hear first hand how very much they do NOT have their priorities straight.

Thanks for sharing your life with me and so many others.

Kimberlie said...

You should write are really good and ya crack me up! My husband thinks I'm a little goofy sitting at the computer laughing my you know what off...and then he HAS to come over and read it! He thinks your pretty funny too! I wish everyday that my blog was as good as yours...funny and interesting. You go girl!

Kimberly said...

It's so hard to get past all that esteem crap and actually believe that the myriad of strangers reading our blog do it because they enjoy it, not because they have nothing better to do. Trust me, it's my daughter's birthday and we're having a party tonight so I've got a lot of things I should be doing.

I'd just rather be doing this.

I get how scary it must be to think that, hey, you've got a talent here that could be developed, because, wow, trying to take it further would make you feel really vulnerable. But in this case, I say it's worth it. Because I'd buy any book you put out, even if there were a lot of curse words in it. ~hugs~

velocibadgergirl said...

You already know I'm in full support of you becoming a "real" (i.e. published / professional) writer. Other than my raging jealousy ;)

No, I keed I keed.

I think you rock, and I hope you know it. You are quite hilarious, even when you're not cursing. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

My husband knows about mine...and only seems to catch my most innermost ideas and thoughts...stuff I'd never think he'd read...great.

Elizabeth-W said...

What a nice post to start with! (I found you via Kimberly.) I'd say that you're at least above average in the funny department :D Case in point:

She answers and as she finally walks and I step on the gas to move past her I hear her say through my open window, “God people here are SO RUDE!”
Hey Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black.

Bunny said...

You know, my husband has always known about my blog and knowing that he is reading has made me think a lot about what I write. Not in a bad way, he wouldn't be opposed to anything I have written or would have written. The thing is, what I'm trying to say is, he is the person whose opinion I care about most in this world. I don't care if the internet likes me, but I care what he thinks. And if he didn't like what I had to say, I would question how to say it (in a good way).

louann said...

You are really funny yah know? :) Love reading your blog and I would pay to have to read it.

I can relate to the "not paying attention" thing because I have told my husband that I have a blog many many times but he just never pays attention to me. So...about him getting to read it later on, I am just going to have to see if it will feel weird too :)

Bethany said...

I know what you mean. If the Big Guy ever wanted to read my blog I would be wierded out by it. I never say anything bad about him but I don't necesarily want him to read it.

Anonymous said...

Jimmy knows I have a blog...he's read two posts and only then because I said "here, read this". It kinda bothers me he doesn't care enough to read it, but at the same's nice. I think.

And, FYI...I'd pay money to read your blog. Of course, that would have to come out of my Target fund and then I wouldn't be able to go to Target. But, you're totally worth not going to my crackhouse :)

JustRandi said...

I love your blog and would definitely buy any book you put out. I vote for a whole book of open letters.

The Brain knows I have a blog, but rarely bothers to read it. Which kills me, because if HE had a blog I would read that thing till I memorized it.

SJ said...

I would pay to read your blog, or a book for that matter. You have a talent young lady!

And Keven knows about my blog and reads it from time to time, I really never gave it much thought, but then again when I started my blog I invited family to read. Does that make me guared on what I write about at times? Sure does!

alissa said...

I would totally pay to read your blog. Seriously... one of the funniest bloggers out there. Truly.

My husband doesn't read my blog... knows about it, but doesn't read it. And when he has, we fight about it. But then, I'm not as mushy or lovly toward him in print as I am in real life. Oh wait... I'm not in real life either.

frannie said...

i totally get what you mean---- i seriously broke out into a cold sweat when you said that jason read that on the computer.

and i love you! bunches. I will wait in line to buy your book. I will bring snacks and camp out and start a buzz--- cause you are that good!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

You do realize that I send my boss stories from your blog as a reward when she's behaving, right?

It's THAT good.

EE said...

My husband knows about mine, and like Kellie's, he only appears to read a post when I make him.
It would be nice if he wanted to read it on his own!
I absolutely love the way you are beautiful, funny, & very entertaining! Yep, I'd pay money!

Stephanie said...

I know exactly what you mean. The problem with bloggers like us is that we write about our everyday lives. When boyfriend first found my blog, I had to go through two years of posts to make sure that I had not said anything mean, rude, hostile, or anything that could be construed as such. In real life, you can just pretend that you didn't say something, but with a blog it's written down.

BTW, If it makes you feel any better, I have to censor my blog because my mother reads it.

CPA Mom said...

See?!!? Now do you believe me? You will be required to put me on the dedication page of your first published book now. REQUIRED.

I was in a COLD sweat the first time I told HP. I was so afraid of judgment. Which was ridiculous. He loved it. But I understand your angst about Jason.

Catwoman said...

I can understand this down to my core of black angst and fuzzy kittens. Sweetie Pie doesn't know I have a blog (at least as far as I know). I've never told him, but he may have seen it in our "history." Because I don't work hard to hide it. And it's not because I don't want him to know about it.

Actually, yes, that's exactly what it is. My blog is like my diary. I write my deepest, most personal feelings and I love the idea of the 'Internet' reading it. But him? Who actually knows me and loves me? I can't imagine him hating it. Even worse. I can't imagine him telling me not to post certain stories.

Creamy Silver said...

I love that my husband reads my blog. Sometimes he'll get behind on it and I'll walk in on him reading it and catching up.

However, I would absolutely vapor lock if anyone in my family or close friends read my blog. Somehow, the whole internet (I flatter myself) reading causes me no anxiety at all, but real life people? I think I would die.

M said...

Take Jen's comment and repeat it. With a dash of G-Homie too. With a side of love you on bagels even.


Amy W said...

I think you need to get crackin' on that book, cause I would so pay big bucks for it...and to read your bloggity blog!

Mrs. CPA said...

Tim knows I have a blog. He read it quite some time ago. It would be hard to explain how we are going on a vacation with people I met on the internet if he didn't. He doesn't read it anymore though, the new wore off. I don't like it when he looks over my shoulder when I'm typing or surfing - "What are you doing? Is that your blog?" Reading over my shoulder drives me bonkers. It is private writing to me, but I guess it is on the internet for everyone to peruse. The inquisitiveness will wear off for Jason and he won't look at it again. Boys are crazy that way. If he would check it out he might learn something.

Carla said...

I'm new here, but I know exactly what you mean. I'm not sure how I would feel if family read my blog, a little vulnerable probably. But I have no difficulty knowing that strangers are reading mine.

Twisted Cinderella said...

I don't feel that way about Prince Charming reading my blog but I do about a lot of my friends and neighbours reading it. I get what you are saying.

Stephanie said...

Yeah... What everyone else said. It's hysterical. I would so pay to read. But thanks for making it free. When we deal with the crazy, psycho, looney tune ex-wife from hell and all kinds of custody issues, it's the bright spot in my day to come check out what you're thinking. Don't stop... it would get ugly. :)

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and it is extremely funny...maybe your husband is immune to your absolute hilarity because he lives with you...

Anonymous said...

I used to keep a blog and the guy I was dating at the time FORBADE me from mentioning him AT ALL because somebody he knew saw something I wrote and evidently what I wrote made him look "foolish". (How him being foolish is somehow my fault, I don't know...)

Jocelyn said...

Your reaction is completely understandable. There's something weirdly private and intimate about blogs that is, em, best reserved for strangers. Go figure. Plus, if he reads your stuff and doesn't appreciate it the way you need him to, then you feel all hurt and vulnerable and stuff. The Internet provides a good veil that's hard to drop.

my4kids said...

I'm surprised he didn't really realize you had the blog! Kelly has known about it all along but didn't start reading it until he left for Alaska. It does seem a little strange thinking he reads it all the time now! I wrote a post about being irritated at my fil just after he left before I knew he was reading it and was a little nervous when I found out he read it. He was very encouraging about it though and said he agreed with me on what I said though. Now I use it occasionally to tell him about things I don't have the guts to tell him myself, like getting 3 new hamsters...

Carla said...

My husband reads my blog and come sup with ideas as well. I had the ultimate compliment the other day when my step daughter was bored at school and looked up my blog and showed it to all of her friends. Yeah, that just makes me dorkier, they both think I'm funny.

BTW, this is my first time to your blog, you are now bookmarked.