So last night, my husband found out I have a blog.
Okay, technically? I told him about it before, but seriously, he pays no attention to the things I say. I don’t get very upset by this because I never shut up, and I imagine it can be very difficult trying to keep up with me. But he didn’t really know I have a blog before last night, even though I had told him.
I had left two windows open on the computer and he sat down and said, “What is this? Jason, for the love of God? Blog published successfully?”
I just looked at him. For the first ten seconds I thought, “Why is he acting like he doesn’t know…” and then for the next ten seconds I thought, “Holy crap, he doesn’t know.”
He said, “Is this your blog? Is this what it’s called?”
I said, “Um. Yes.”
He looked rather bemused. He didn’t ask why I called it that, though. I guess it’s obvious.
He said, “So you write about me in your blog?”
Duh. “Yes. I’ll show it you sometime.”
He laughed. “Sometime? So you can edit it first?”
“No,” I said. “I say nice things about you.”
He looked at me kind of funny and then said, “Why are you so hesitant? What’s upsetting you about this?”
And you know what? I don’t know.
I don’t know why the thought of him reading my blog made me feel cold and queasy inside.
But it did.
“It’s just my writing,” I said. “And…I don’t know. It’s just my writing.”
He didn’t seem impressed.
“It’s just so…private,” I said, finally. (And, private? What? It’s on the freaking internet for the world to see.)
He said, “So, what, you need to get to know me better or something?”
And then he laughed.
And then I laughed.
And we could not stop laughing.
But okay, seriously? Today, I feel weird again.
Because, honestly? He doesn’t seem to think I’m all that funny.
Okay last night? When I explained what a Dirty Sanchez is and the path that led me to discovering what it is (which was actually due to Celebrity Fit Club and is a very long story), he was laughing really, really hard. But usually, my hilariousness is totally lost on him. The things I say on my blog? I say in real life. This is exactly how I am in real life, except I look much skinnier on the internet and in real life I’m often distracted and ditzy and say more curse words.
So why does that make me feel weird?
I guess I've really been struggling with this lately. I asked a good blogger friend the other day, if she would tell me honestly, for reals and for true, if she would pay green money to read something I had written.
She said she pay money to read my blog. *
And that? Made me happy.
Also? Freaked me out.
Because, yeah, COOL. But at the same time, holy cow.
Maybe I could really do this. You know. For real.
And I'm really afraid of when new people read my blog...even my husband. No one has ever been really mean to me and most people are super-supportive, but I get an occasional nasty comment via email.
I know my husband wouldn't be mean. I know he wouldn't.
So I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on the problem.
*I'd never make anyone pay money to read my blog. Just so you know.