Dear Co-worker who looks like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever except skinner and more weaselesque,
Dude. Seriously. Shut up.
Since you have started working here you have managed to tell everyone in the building that you were fired from your last job. Where I come from, Earth, that is not a good or responsible thing to have happen, so you might not want to tell everyone about it. It makes you look foolish.
Also? I know you don’t have anything to do and you are bored.
I have a lot to do and I am not bored. Talking with you about the weather is not going to help me get my work done.
Please check yourself, before I wreck yourself.
PS: That substance that you are drinking that looks suspiciously like urine? Yeah. Please stop that. You are grossing me out.
Dear My Sister’s baby,
Would you come out already?!?!? I’m dying to meet you here!
Dear male co-workers who apparently have excruciatingly small wangs,
Okay, let me make sure I understand this. You came to me four weeks ago in an absolute tizzy and demanded something THAT DAY and I spent my entire day working on it and delivered it to you THAT DAY and then today when I go to ask you if you’ve reviewed it you tell me you LOST IT?
Seriously. Bite me.
Dear brainless female co-worker,
For the love of all that is holy, what makes you think that a wife-beater and jeans that accentuate that “camel-toe look” you have going on is appropriate attire for work? No one wants to see that mess.
Okay, maybe some of those guards want to see it. But didn’t your momma ever tell you not to show things like that? You have to make them work for it. Not just give it away for free. To everyone. Some of us, and I’m waving my hand wildly here, do not want to see it.
Here’s a hint, snookums: When a man says you look like a prostitute? He’s not complimenting you. He’s INSULTING you. There is, actually, a difference. Even on your planet.
And do I have to mention that you are twenty-six years old and really, honest to God, should know not to do such things?
Keep your business to yourself.
Thanks and whatnot,
Lately you have been the best husband on the planet.
You have been attentive, sweet, loving, and funny. In short, you have been my dream husband. You have made me remember all over again why I married you in the first place.
So thanks. For that.