Monday, July 16, 2007

Tell your mom and them it's Open Letter time.

Dear Co-worker who looks like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever except skinner and more weaselesque,

Dude. Seriously. Shut up.

Since you have started working here you have managed to tell everyone in the building that you were fired from your last job. Where I come from, Earth, that is not a good or responsible thing to have happen, so you might not want to tell everyone about it. It makes you look foolish.

Also? I know you don’t have anything to do and you are bored.

I have a lot to do and I am not bored. Talking with you about the weather is not going to help me get my work done.


Please check yourself, before I wreck yourself.


Thanks!
Chick

PS: That substance that you are drinking that looks suspiciously like urine? Yeah. Please stop that. You are grossing me out.



Dear My Sister’s baby,

Would you come out already?!?!? I’m dying to meet you here!

Love,
Impatient Auntie



Dear male co-workers who apparently have excruciatingly small wangs,

Okay, let me make sure I understand this. You came to me four weeks ago in an absolute tizzy and demanded something THAT DAY and I spent my entire day working on it and delivered it to you THAT DAY and then today when I go to ask you if you’ve reviewed it you tell me you LOST IT?

Seriously. Bite me.

You suck,
-Chick



Dear brainless female co-worker,

For the love of all that is holy, what makes you think that a wife-beater and jeans that accentuate that “camel-toe look” you have going on is appropriate attire for work? No one wants to see that mess.

Okay, maybe some of those guards want to see it. But didn’t your momma ever tell you not to show things like that? You have to make them work for it. Not just give it away for free. To everyone. Some of us, and I’m waving my hand wildly here, do not want to see it.

Here’s a hint, snookums: When a man says you look like a prostitute? He’s not complimenting you. He’s INSULTING you. There is, actually, a difference. Even on your planet.

And do I have to mention that you are twenty-six years old and really, honest to God, should know not to do such things?

Keep your business to yourself.

Thanks and whatnot,
Chick



Dear husband,

Lately you have been the best husband on the planet.

You have been attentive, sweet, loving, and funny. In short, you have been my dream husband. You have made me remember all over again why I married you in the first place.

So thanks. For that.

Love,
Your wife

22 comments:

Edie C said...

You never fail to make me laugh!!

Too funny!!

AnnieM said...

I love your open letters, really.
Thanks and whatnot,
Annie

Stephanie said...

Open Letters from you are the best. Absolutely needed a moment of brevity today. Thanks for that!

Kellie said...

Open letters from you RULE!! I try (oh how I try) and can't come near the funny that is you!!

And the chick with the camel toe? Eww.

Kimberly said...

Compile these into a book. Seriously. I'm going to keep suggesting it until you do it! =P

JustRandi said...

Oh, I've missed your open letters! You do it SO well!

Britmum said...

Bloody hilarious!!!

Take care xx

M said...

That last one? makes me mega super extra happy. *heart you on bagels*

simonsays said...

Your letters are my favorite, chick!

~JJ! said...

Tee hee...I am starting to think your letters are the funniest thing ever!!!

Angie said...

So I went from. . .

snicker. .
to
tee hee hee. . .
to
gasp. . .
to
awwwwww, how sweet!

You rock the bloggin world, my friend!!

laughykate said...

I dare you to send your open letter out as a memo to all your co-workers............

Jules the Crazy said...

i must agree with the crowd! i'm still a newish reader, so this is only the second or third open letter post, but man alive, are they so funny. i would LOVE to see them in a book! awesome!

EE said...

Camel toe is NEVER ok!
How does one make it to 26 without learning that????

my4kids said...

Oh I love your open letters!

Catwoman said...

I've always thought the camel toe look makes one looke like they're too dedicated to their job to find the time to shop for pants that fit. Is that not the case?

And my favorite letter? The last one! Call me Mcgushy Mushy.

frannie said...

camel toe--- eeeewwww gross!

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I think Open Letter Day is my most favorite day ever. I look forward to them.

Have your neighbors been behaving lately? They didn't get a letter today, and you usually have at least one for them. :)

julie said...

Camel toes are one of my favorite blog topics. Thank you. :)

Ann(ie) said...

OMG. LMAO!!!

Heather said...

Delurking--loved your 12 day blog.

This one CRACKED. ME. UP. Couldn't keep lurking after that!

SJ said...

What a wonderful way to end your totally hysterical open letters with a letter to your husband.

Awwwww.....so sweet!

You rock.