Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Envy me.

I tracked the package all day long. My hands were sweating, my knees were shaking.


All I could think about was that package.

I was rewarded by UPS tracking at 2:22pm: Package delivered.

I internally rejoiced. I could not wait to get home.

But I had to,you know, work. Then, I had to pick up the kids. THEN I had to go to the market and get some bread and lunch meat and some “healthy” snacks, because by God you can’t eat anything in the school system these days without somebody getting really bitchy about it.

So finally, car full of children, bananas, and backpacks, I arrived home to see the box on my porch.

Glee! The box! THE BOX!

I raced out of the car and dragged the box into the living room.

Then, I had to get the groceries out of the car.


Then, I had to make dinner.


While helping Boy Child with his homework, which included looking things up on the internet, because clearly, if you’ve read my writing you are aware that I have ideas on what constitutes a complete sentence and the public school has ideas on what constitutes a complete sentence and never the twain shall meet.


Then we had to actually eat dinner and while we were eating Jason came home and was in a really pissy mood and didn’t even laugh when I danced over to him to kiss him. Buttface.

THEN, finally, I got to open my package.

And guess what was inside?


















THIS! My Dyson!

*cue angels singing, birds flapping their wings and whatnot*

I enthusiastically began to put it together when Girl Child said, “Mom? I forgot I had these spelling words, can you help me with this?”

GOOD GOD. How am I supposed to be a MOTHER when all this fun crap is going on around me? I ask you!

So I said, “Okay!”

And while I read the spelling words at the speed of sound, JASON STARTED PUTTING THE VACUUM TOGETHER.

OH. MY. FROG.

I could have shot him! SHOT HIM! Because it’s MY VACUUM! All day long I looked forward to that package!

Silently, I seethed. Okay, not silently. I seethed as I read words like “mill” and “blow” and “yesterday”.

And OH MY FROG what is wrong with me?! That I am having emotional disturbances over someone else putting together my VACUUM.

Finally, she won the living room spelling bee and went to bed. I wrestled the vacuum out of Jason’s hands (NICELY) and ran it all over the rug.

Then? While Jason was in the bathroom? I ran in and knocked loudly on the door and insisted that he SEE all the pet hair I got up. When he protested that he was “unavailable” I insisted that he unlock the door so I could stick the container through the door (promising I wouldn’t look…like I want to see him pooping or something. For the love of God) so he could SEE FOR HIMSELF the power of the Dyson.

It was 9:30pm and I was vacuuming the rug. When he was done pooping? And came back? I waved to him while I was vacuuming. He just rolled his eyes for me.

And for me? That was a big evening.


Because? Clearly, I need help.

28 comments:

Tiger Lamb Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tiger Lamb Girl said...

We must be on a similar wavelength. Or sumthin. Coz, I found this (http://www.lakeland.co.uk/product.aspx/solutions/clean!20569) and I'm ordering it this month.

We just got not sandstone floors and since it's always rainy/wet in England - my floors are always muddy (dogs, kids, and hubby who forgets to wipe his feet). A wet/dry vac is heaven to me and I can't wait for mine to arrive.

I'm gonna hide the box if my husband's here when it arrives, though!

Chelle said...

oh I envy you all right!! I would lurrrrrve a Dyson. It's on "the list" but who knows when it'll make an appearance at the top?

Happy Dyson-ing!! :)

Blue Momma said...

So if I buy one of these I'll get excited about and actually want to vacuum????

Maybe I should give it a try as we need one for downstairs.

But I thought the purple one was for pet hair?

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Sounds like your evening sucked.



But in a good way.

Blessings.


(it is never a good time to interupt a man's poop time)

Angie said...

Yeah. . .what alpha dude said. I only knock on the door if the, like, house is on fire, or something.

But, I'm really happy for you. . .have a sucky week! : )

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

You don't need help. For this issue, anyway.

I'm still amazed daily by the power of my Dyson. It picks up stuff you had no clue was there in the first place.

Kimberly said...

I reacted exactly the same way when my new sucker arrived. Not a Dyson, alas, but a huuuuge step up from our last. Vacuumed the whole frickin' brackin' house with the old one. Then with the new one. Then showed Neil the disgusting contents of the container.

Hee hee hee...

frannie said...

I have the exact same vacuum!!! we are so sisters, sistah!

nailgirl said...

I want a dyson for sure. I would rip open that package dinner and kids be damned.

Jhianna said...

I've been coveting that vacuum for forever now! I'd have probably done the same thing (including knocking on the door and insisting he look *LOL*)

Kellie said...

Given I LOVE to run the sucker around my house, having a Dyson is at the TOP of my list. Good thing Jimmy can cook. When my Dyson arrives, I'll be too starry eyed to get dinner for Morgan.

Sarcastic Housewife said...

We have a Rainbow and the big event when you run it is to see how much dog hair you have actually managed to pick up. Way fun! Plus you can see all the other gross stuff people leave in your house.

Shanilie said...

Hi 'chic'! Haven't been online in ages and had a few minutes. Wanted to check in on things! WOW I absolutely love the vac! I would have fun with that too :))) Since we moved it is all old laminate flooring so I wish there was some carpet to vaccum. Hope all is well. I will be back to the blogging world in Sept! Take care and enjoy vaccuming! It is so hard to find a good working vaccum!

moosh in indy. said...

I would have been just as lame. If not lamer.

EE said...

I've got vaccuum envy;)

Emma in Canada said...

I want a Dyson. My friend swears by the Rainbow though. That thing brought up a ton of dirt and soap in her brand new, not yet lived in house. Which just went to show us that construction workers walk through your new house in their boots.

Amira said...

Hi.Lar.Ious. Really.

stepmomof2 said...

Ooooh, I would love to have one of those. I finally got a bagless vacuum though and I can't believe what it picks up.

Amy W said...

Damn, I would love one of those! But then I would have to actually use it...hmmmm...

CPA Mom said...

oh, a Dyson. I DO envy you. You are just like me when I shampoo the carpet with my carpet cleaner. I INSIST HP stop whatever he is doing to see all the dirty water I suck up. He's not enthusiastic either. Huh.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Actually, I've changed my mind.

I'm getting a Dyson.

I know you were dying to know that.

Catwoman said...

You and your Dyson can come over for chocolate any time you want.

Because I heart you both and I want one of each of you for myself.

Heather said...

Oh can I PLEASE use your phrase "oh my frog" from now on??? I must! It is too dang cute.

SJ said...

Oh I envy you and the Dyson.

E N V Y.

They really are all that they are cracked up to be - AND MORE?

Real Life in South Carolina said...

Dear Chick,

Thank you, once again, for the laugh. I just got my very own Dyson two nights ago. (Thank you, Dwight for breaking the other piece of crap vacuum that we had!)

Like you, I couldn't wait to tear into the box, put my vacuum together and of course "play" with my new toy. I too showed my hubby the canister after vacuuming just one room in our brand new house (wow), but thankfully my hubby was not in the bathroom because it really stinks when he's pooping! But I would have! I would have made him look! Why? I guess it's a woman (chick) thing.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not so alone!
Melissa

Sleeping Mommy said...

I just got the same one a week or two ago through woot. My husband tried to surprise me, but couldn't keep his mouth shut in the long run so I knew before it got here.

I did a post too--about how much in love I was........with the vacuum of course.

Rachel said...

Ok, seriously, I laughed...a lot at that post.

A lot.

Also, I am jealous.