Envy me.

I tracked the package all day long. My hands were sweating, my knees were shaking.


All I could think about was that package.

I was rewarded by UPS tracking at 2:22pm: Package delivered.

I internally rejoiced. I could not wait to get home.

But I had to,you know, work. Then, I had to pick up the kids. THEN I had to go to the market and get some bread and lunch meat and some “healthy” snacks, because by God you can’t eat anything in the school system these days without somebody getting really bitchy about it.

So finally, car full of children, bananas, and backpacks, I arrived home to see the box on my porch.

Glee! The box! THE BOX!

I raced out of the car and dragged the box into the living room.

Then, I had to get the groceries out of the car.


Then, I had to make dinner.


While helping Boy Child with his homework, which included looking things up on the internet, because clearly, if you’ve read my writing you are aware that I have ideas on what constitutes a complete sentence and the public school has ideas on what constitutes a complete sentence and never the twain shall meet.


Then we had to actually eat dinner and while we were eating Jason came home and was in a really pissy mood and didn’t even laugh when I danced over to him to kiss him. Buttface.

THEN, finally, I got to open my package.

And guess what was inside?


















THIS! My Dyson!

*cue angels singing, birds flapping their wings and whatnot*

I enthusiastically began to put it together when Girl Child said, “Mom? I forgot I had these spelling words, can you help me with this?”

GOOD GOD. How am I supposed to be a MOTHER when all this fun crap is going on around me? I ask you!

So I said, “Okay!”

And while I read the spelling words at the speed of sound, JASON STARTED PUTTING THE VACUUM TOGETHER.

OH. MY. FROG.

I could have shot him! SHOT HIM! Because it’s MY VACUUM! All day long I looked forward to that package!

Silently, I seethed. Okay, not silently. I seethed as I read words like “mill” and “blow” and “yesterday”.

And OH MY FROG what is wrong with me?! That I am having emotional disturbances over someone else putting together my VACUUM.

Finally, she won the living room spelling bee and went to bed. I wrestled the vacuum out of Jason’s hands (NICELY) and ran it all over the rug.

Then? While Jason was in the bathroom? I ran in and knocked loudly on the door and insisted that he SEE all the pet hair I got up. When he protested that he was “unavailable” I insisted that he unlock the door so I could stick the container through the door (promising I wouldn’t look…like I want to see him pooping or something. For the love of God) so he could SEE FOR HIMSELF the power of the Dyson.

It was 9:30pm and I was vacuuming the rug. When he was done pooping? And came back? I waved to him while I was vacuuming. He just rolled his eyes for me.

And for me? That was a big evening.


Because? Clearly, I need help.