Today is my blogiversary or whatever the hell it's called. The one year anniversary of when I started blogging.
I've written a 100 things post before, but in the spirit of the day, I thought I'd write a 365 things list. One for each day of the year I've been blogging.
If it was a leap year or some crap, don't tell me okay? I've been working on this for days and I'm really tired and crabby right now.
Also? If you can get through this whole list without stabbing out your eyeballs with a sharp stick? Well, God bless 'ya.
1) My name is Chick.
2) Okay, not really. But I can’t tell you my real name.
3) I can’t tell you my real name because my last name is somewhat unusual in this country, and I’m hiding from my ex-husband.
4) I’m only kind of kidding about that last part.
5) My husband’s name is Jason. He’s the one I got the weird last name from.
6) It’s not really weird. Actually, I like it a lot. It’s just unusual.
7) I have two kids. Boy Child and Girl Child.
8) If you aren’t quick, those aren’t their real names either.
9) They are twins.
10) Currently they are nine years old.
11) I have a dog. Her real name is Ginger.
12) She’s the best dog on the planet, even though her burps could chase all of us out of the room.
13) We adopted her from a shelter in March, 2006.
14) I fully intended on getting a small black dog.
15) The dog’s name? Was to be Snowball.
16) Then? We got to the shelter and I said, “Jason? Can we just adopt twenty dogs?”
17) When he said no I said, “How about twenty-seven dogs?”
18) He was not amused.
19) Ginger is not black nor is anything about her small, but she picked us and we absolutely fell in love with her.
20) My blog is named “Jason. For the love of God.”
21) This is the phrase most likely to be uttered in my home.
22) Most people who find my blog are looking for things like, “God.” “Jesus” “Love” and occasionally “butt-plugs”.
23) Probably most of them don’t find what they are looking for.
24) I’m a big fan of God and Jesus, but I’m probably not what people think about when they think about a Christian woman.
25) Mostly? Because I say a lot of curse words.
26) I really think God overlooks my potty mouth though. He’s cool with me like that.
27) I work at a job that I am not really crazy about.
28) I think this makes me on par with most of the population.
29) I’m pretty fortunate that I get paid fairly well for this nonsense.
30) I’m not rich, by any means, but I can pay all my bills and have money to save.
31) There have been times when I’ve not been able to pay my bills, so I’m really thankful I can now.
32) I was married, before, for like twenty-five minutes.
33) Okay, just lying. It was about a year.
34) My first husband left me when I was pregnant with Boy Child and Girl Child.
35) I haven’t seen him or heard from him in so long that I have no idea what he looks like now.
36) Honest to God, I don’t think I would recognize him if he walked right up to me.
37) Boy Child and Girl Child know that he exists, but they don’t know anything about him.
38) He? Has the same name as my therapist, which is kind of strange in a lot of ways, but actually doesn’t bother me at all.
39) Before you ask, no, I don’t feel about at all, not even one microscopic iota, that my ex-husband does not have a relationship with my children.
40) It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who was really mean to you. Who told you that you were stupid and ugly and no one would ever love you while you were pregnant with his children.
41) Also? Cheated on you with a skanky whore with inner thigh tattoos.
42) I know she had inner thigh tattoos because he was smart enough to tell me that he didn’t have any money to send me for diapers for the kids and then instead went to the beach with this woman.
43) She posed for photos by SPREADING HER LEGS SO HE COULD SEE THE INNER THIGH TATTOOS.
44) Then? He brought the pictures over so I could see them.
45) He? Is not smart.
46) I have no idea why I married him.
47) My only excuse is that I am a complete idiot.
48) I had my children when I was twenty-two.
49) They were way early.
50) I wouldn’t recommend having kids with someone who doesn’t love you.
51) It really sucks butt.
52) I recognize now that I had children so I would have someone who loved me.
53) I know how messed up that is.
54) Still, I don’t regret my kids. They are the best things in my life.
55) I have a college degree.
56) I got it last year. December 16th, 2006.
57) I was thirty-one.
58) I wish that was a big deal, because it took me a lot of time and effort to earn it.
59) Sadly, no one really cares.
60) My family, in general, does not put a high value on education.
61) My mom is probably still sad I didn’t marry better. Then I wouldn’t NEED a degree.
62) Yes, my mom is totally antiquated in her thinking. I can’t help her.
63) I am considering going back to school.
64) I promised Jason I would wait a year and the year is almost up.
65) I have no idea what I want to study though.
66) I’m thinking Nuclear Engineering.
67) No, I’m not kidding.
68) Despite the way I act, I’m actually not that stupid.
69) In fact, I’m kind of smart.
70) I know. Shocking.
71) I make up for the fact that I’m kind of smart by constantly making really bad decisions.
72) It’s not working for me. In case you are wondering.
73) I have this really fantastic condition called, “Secondary Infertility.”
74) Basically, it’s a complete bitch.
75) What it means is, for about twenty-seven seconds in 1997, I was able to get pregnant.
76) Since then? Not so much.
77) What it also means is that infertile women typically hate me and want me dead.
78) Because I had a chance, at some point, to get pregnant. And they haven’t had that chance.
79) I understand that. Honestly. I feel horrible for them and want to hug them really tightly.
80) I get really irritated when people think, for one second, that I’m not grateful for what I already have.
81) But also? I refuse to apologize for being sad that I can’t have a baby with my husband. I’m sad about it. Profoundly sad.
82) I’m considering both adoption and fostering right now.
83) I’m a big fan of adoption.
84) One of my best friends is adopted and about seven people I know have either adopted or are in the process of adopting.
85) I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be a foster mother.
86) I get extraordinarily irritated when people even imply that I’m not doing my work or my job.
87) I work for the government (as a sub…I don’t work FOR the government directly. I’m not a Fed) and people tend to pass the buck a lot.
88) I try not to let it bother me, but it does.
89) I’m a Girl Scout leader.
90) I think I pretty much suck at it.
91) The girls don’t seem to notice. They are pretty young still.
92) I really love those girls. I want the whole entire world for them.
93) I’ve been fired.
95) I honestly don’t think either time was my fault.
96) Still, it sucked.
97) I still read the newspapers for every city I’ve ever lived in.
98) I don’t ever, ever want to live in those places again. Ever.
99) I just read them to see if anyone I know got married.
100) Or, you know, stabbed someone.
101) Most of my life, I’ve lived in some part of Tennessee.
102) I live in Tennessee now.
103) I’m ready to move.
104) Nothing against Tennessee, mind you. I’m just very restless.
105) I’m always surprised when people live in one place for their entire life.
106) I mean, if it works for you, I think it’s awesome. It’s just not something I could do.
107) I always think those people have something I don’t. Some sense or feeling of family or community that I’ve never been able to grasp.
108) I have a brother and two sisters.
109) My brother has two biological children and one former step-child which he gave his last name, yet he totally ignores her. One sister has three sons and the other sister has one son and two daughters.
110) My husband’s sister also has two children. One whom I love dearly and the other I’ve never met.
111) I count them in my heart, as my nieces, although they are not a part of my life.
112) My mother-in-law? She hates me.
113) She doesn’t just hate me. She probably wants me dead.
114) I don’t hate her though.
115) I don’t like her, mind you. But I don’t hate her.
116) How could I hate the person who gave birth to my husband? He’s grand.
117) I often wonder what is wrong with me, that so many people seem to hate me.
118) Really? I’m a pretty nice person.
119) A bit shrieky perhaps. But still nice.
120) One thing that I hate more than almost anything in the world is someone who lies.
121) Also? Someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions.
122) If I screw up? I’m the first person to say, “Holy fudge, I totally screwed that up.”
123) To me, it’s not a sign of weakness.
124) It’s a sign that you are human.
125) I make mistakes all the freaking time.
126) My husband doesn’t think I’m nearly as funny as I think I am.
127) I say funny things all the time. Like, this morning? When he shaved his head and left about twelve pounds of hair in the sink and a gallon of water on the bathroom floor? I said, “For the love of Pete Rose and white ice cream, Jason!”
128) He didn’t even laugh.
129) I don’t care who you are, that was funny.
130) In fact, I don’t think a lot of men think I’m funny.
131) I say something and all the women laugh and the men just look at me like, “You are the equivalent of the Crazy Cat Lady on The Simpsons.”
132) I don’t throw cats, though.
133) I love blogging.
134) I love to write, but I’d never call myself a writer.
135) If I ever published a book, I might feel comfortable enough to call myself a writer.
136) Okay, honestly? Probably not. I’d be all like, “Well, someone just felt sad for me and published my book.”
137) I don’t have a lot of self-esteem.
138) The other day? I nearly peed myself with excitement when I discovered that someone I love to read and have been reading for nearly ten years added me to her blogroll.
139) I gushed to her in a comment about how I have a friend crush on her.
140) Surprisingly? She has not yet deleted me from her blogroll.
141) Really, I’m not a stalker. I just think she rocks.
142) She writes books. And people pay money to buy her books and read them.
143) I wish I could write books and have people pay money to read them.
144) That would be so cool.
145) Also? I wish I was pretty.
146) I was the girl that everyone always described as “nice” or “sweet”.
147) Which means? “You can run laps around her.”
148) Although I get very stressed out and irritated in real life, I’m not nearly as shrieky as it would appear to someone who reads my blog.
149) Generally, I am somewhat quiet and don’t tell people to go to hell and die nearly as much as they deserve.
150) I’m thirty-two years old, which is not old, but feels more like a hundred sometimes.
151) I really don’t think I’ve accomplished very much for a person my age.
152) This? Distresses me.
153) I grew up in a very small, backwards, racist place.
154) I am not small, nor am I backward, nor am I a racist.
155) I often loathe to admit where I am from, though, because the perception is pretty strong.
156) About 25% of the kids I graduated high school with did really great things with their lives.
157) They are doctors and lawyers and all manner of things good.
158) About 65% live in the same small town, in the same small way.
159) They will never leave and no one will ever encourage them to leave.
160) They will be in jail, or their husbands will.
161) They will have baby after baby after baby with no plan to take care of them or raise them or set up a college fund for them.
162) They will work at minimum wage jobs and spend their whole check at the bar on Friday night or at Wal-Mart on Friday night, trying to have enough food for the kids for the week.
163) The other 10% are like me, I guess. Moved away and are just trying to live our lives. Nothing special, nothing fantastic. Just life.
164) The 65% make me sad.
165) I don’t think I’m better than them, though. I think I’m just lucky.
166) I know it works out fine for a lot of people, but for some people, it’s just not good.
167) I could have easily been like that. The not good part.
168) When I was seventeen? My boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes.
169) I was going to marry him because I honest to God didn’t think anyone else would ever want me to marry me.
170) When I was seventeen he was twenty-two.
171) I started dating him when I was fifteen and he was twenty.
172) When my daughter is fifteen, there is no way in hell she will date anyone who is twenty.
173) He was pretty awful. He beat the crap out of me a few times.
174) Once he dragged me around my parent’s front porch by my hair.
175) Also, he wasn’t nearly as smart as I am. Not even close.
176) And? He thought that making $5.75 an hour was “good money”.
177) And? He wore a pink “Makita” hat.
178) Still. I was going to marry him.
179) He still lives in that same small town.
180) In a house on his parents property, if I’m not mistaken.
181) With his wife. Who looks just like his dead mother.
182) And his two sons. Who are probably mean because that’s how boys are “supposed” to act.
183) He had this dog which used to lie in the road when cars would come by. Like the dog was so miserable it was hoping you would run over it and put it out of its misery.
184) I would have been like that dog, I think.
185) That’s really freaking scary to me.
186) The first guy I married was no better.
187) In fact, he was probably worse.
188) He had a job, but he was so freaking lazy.
189) His hygiene was questionable.
190) He was nowhere near as smart as me.
191) And? He was really mean. Really, really mean.
192) So mean, I can’t even say all of it.
193) After that? I stopped saying yes when people asked me to marry them.
194) Until Jason asked.
195) I’ve never been outside of the United States.
196) I don’t really care. It’s just a data point.
197) When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a pharmacist when I grew up.
198) I actually had no idea what that was, but it sounded good.
199) I think my mom told me I wanted to be a pharmacist.
200) That actually might have been a good job for me. I’m not sure.
201) Really? I wanted to be Spiderman.
202) Or? Any job that didn’t involve a lot of math.
203) I used to hate math.
204) I was really scared of it.
205) Everyone told me I was bad at math. Because girls are bad at math.
206) I made straight A’s in advanced math classes all through college.
207) Also, Chemistry.
208) Which isn’t math, but it was still really hard.
209) Even still, I’m always amazed when I look at a math problem as simple as 6x9 and I immediately know the answer.
210) I have a period approximately every seventeen seconds.
211) It sucks just as much as you imagine it might.
212) If you can’t imagine it, then imagine someone hitting you in the face repeatedly with a hammer.
213) It’s about that uncomfortable.
214) I drink Diet Pepsi like there is nothing else on this planet.
215) I am thrifty, but not cheap.
216) I don’t like milk.
217) Or eggs.
218) Or cold lunchmeat.
219) Or, hot lunchmeat actually.
220) I have really long, really curly hair.
221) My hair is long because it is so curly.
222) If I had short hair? I would look like Ronald McDonald on a bender.
223) I am legally blind without corrective lenses.
224) Even with corrective lenses? I don’t see 20/20.
225) I don’t remember a time in my life, ever, that I could see clearly.
226) I used to be afraid of the monster in my room. It was a big shapeless blob, because all I saw were big shapeless blobs.
227) I don’t have any tattoos.
228) I have nothing against them; I just haven’t found anything I want to put on my body permanently.
229) Also? I might have a small problem with commitment.
230) My husband has one. It’s on his arm.
231) People are really surprised when they discover this.
232) He is pretty straight-laced.
233) In fact, sometimes I wonder how the heck we ended up married.
234) I? Run around going, “Blah! Blah! Blah!” all the time.
235) I’ve never seen him do anything like that.
236) I don’t drink alcohol.
237) I don’t care if other people do.
238) I would be an alcoholic if I did though.
239) I love Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh.
240) He’s gloomy. But sweet.
241) I love to read.
242) Lately, I read a lot of chick-lit.
243) I justify this because I think my brain deserves a break after all that thinking I did to graduate college.
244) I love to make obscure references to 1980’s television.
245) I had a cat named Willis, even.
246) Oh and cats named Laverne and Shirley, when I was a kid.
247) I’m more of a dog person, but I don’t dislike cats.
248) I hate birds. So much.
249) This one time? I dated this guy? And he knew of my hate for birds? And he had two birds, which he let out of their cages when I showed up.
250) He is so lucky my foot is not in his ass.
251) I imagine it’s very hard to be my friend.
252) I’m really random and all over the place, all the time.
253) Also, I throw my arms around a lot and shriek, “Blah! Blah! Blah!”
254) My husband talks in his sleep, a lot.
255) He says really random, crazy things.
256) Like, “Get the cheese! GET THE CHEESE! It’s cheddar!”
257) He doesn’t even like cheese very much.
258) Although technically I don’t NEED to, I worry about money all the time.
259) It’s like I can’t stop.
260) I have a lot of trouble paying attention.
261) I don’t like that about myself.
262) In fact, there are a lot of things I don’t like about myself.
263) Really? Most things about me, I don’t like.
264) A lot of really weird things seem to happen to me.
265) I don’t know if I just attract the crazy, or I am the crazy and it just comes along with being me.
266) Either way, it sucks and I wish it would stop.
267) I have a really difficult time with the whole, “Being normal” thing.
268) Even when my first husband left, I always believed I would find someone else to love me.
269) I also believed that I would find someone else; we’d get married, and have lots of healthy, not premature babies.
270) So I could have that, you know?
271) That…thing. That something that other women seem to have so effortlessly.
272) That husband holding your purse while they rubbed your stomach with whatever that gel crap is, so they can do the ultrasound.
273) The husband who would hold your hand while you had the baby and fall immediately in love with it afterward.
274) I guess you have to have the baby before all that happens though.
275) Another thing which is disturbing to me is that I know that a lot of people (okay, Jason’s family) don’t take our relationship seriously because we have not had a child.
276) They still think he could just walk out at any second, and probably will.
277) We’ve been together for nearly eight years. Married for almost five.
278) Despite my ridiculousness, he hasn’t left yet.
279) And? I’m proof positive that having a baby doesn’t make someone stick around.
280) I think they are so ridiculous.
281) However, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about them and wondering why they hate me so much.
282) I think I’m so ridiculous for doing that.
283) I don’t know much about my husband’s upbringing or his life at all, before he met me.
284) It’s really strange, being so close to someone and still feeling like that part is missing.
285) Not that I need to know every detail or anything.
286) This one time? I went out with this guy who wanted to show me, on our first date, where he went to elementary school.
287) I just thought that was weird.
288) I mean, if we were getting married and being all sentimental or in love or whatever? Then fine.
289) Just because we were driving past it? Not so much.
290) That was the guy with George Bush on his wall.
291) TiVo has transformed my life.
292) I love television.
293) There, I admitted it.
294) My favorite show is, “The Office.”
295) Also? “Dukes of Hazard.”
296) No, I’m just lying.
297) But I used to think Bo Duke was cute.
298) When I was, you know, five.
299) Now, I find my attraction to him, even at that young age, somewhat alarming.
300) While I generally dislike most of my co-workers, the ones I do like I really like a lot.
301) In fact? I think they are fabulous.
302) I wish I felt that way about more of them.
303) I don’t have a large group of friends in real life, but the friends I do have I love fiercely.
304) I have a huge group of online friends, and I love all of them fiercely.
305) I am really lucky to have such sweet people in my life.
306) I am really grateful for the internet, or I would have never met most of them.
307) Or my husband, even though he only lived like, three miles away.
308) My husband was born and raised in Connecticut, which is so strange to me, because I never imagined I’d marry someone from Connecticut.
309) And yes, I really did think about that.
310) Connecticut was this far off, exciting land that I only knew of because I enjoyed the program, “Who’s the Boss?”
311) Everyone there, I assumed, lived in fancy mansions and their mom’s had powerful jobs and slept around.
312) I like to know everyone’s back-story.
313) If I don’t know it, I’ll make it up in my head.
314) A lot of people are probably more interesting that way.
315) But? Everyone has a story.
316) I’m somewhat bad at recycling.
317) I really want to be better about it.
318) Sadly, I suck.
319) I like big butts.
320) I cannot lie.
321) A co-worker of mine cannot spell October and it is making me batshit crazy.
322) She spells it “Ooctober.”
323) Why no one has corrected her is beyond me.
324) I still have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
325) I do know this: It’s not what I am now.
326) I loathe people who do not stop at Stop Signs.
327) Then I feel bad. Maybe they are illiterate.
328) But mostly, I think they are just douchebags.
329) I way, way overuse the word douchebag.
330) Also? Nutsacks.
331) My mother, who incidentally thinks that THE F word is “fart”, would likely be horrified if she read my blog.
332) And not just because I tell everyone I’m a slave to the wang.
333) But that might do it too.
334) My mom doesn’t read my blog, but my sister does.
335) She’s way funnier than my mom.
336) I wish she had her own blog, because she’s way funnier than most people.
337) My parents love my brother more than they love the rest of us.
338) I’m actually pretty much okay with that.
339) It’s taken me a long time though.
340) I wish I could be the type of person that made my parents proud.
341) I don’t know what type of person that would be.
342) I keep trying.
343) I wish I was independently wealthy so Jason’s grandmother and my three grandmothers could all come live with me.
344) I’d give them a wing in the home so they could all make quilts and watch baseball together.
345) Or soap operas or whatever they like to watch.
346) I’d cook for them and call them, collectively, “The Grandmothers.”
347) Sort of like a pride of lions.
348) I have green eyes that get Incredible Hulk green when I am angry.
349) No, seriously. It’s pretty weird.
350) Also? It’s hard to hide the fact that I’m angry.
351) I wish I was happy.
352) I wish I wasn’t a big freak.
353) I’m okay with the fact that I’m in therapy.
354) I wish it was free, though.
355) Most people I know need therapy.
356) I don’t understand why people are scared of it.
357) The cost, yes, but the rest of it is nice.
358) Even though usually I cry while I am there.
359) I pity the fool that doesn’t love a good Mr. T reference.
360) I appreciate everyone who reads my blog.
361) Even when it’s full of stupid crap.
362) Like this.
363) I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I want to get this right.
364) I keep trying.
365) Maybe someday I’ll get there.