Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The one where I talk about how I'm a whiny loser.

It's hard for me to be a friend.

There. I said it. Now you know the truth.

Recently I was in Disney World. At the same time Amy, another fabulous blogger, was at Disney World. We both knew for months that we would be going at the same time. We kind of skirted around it a bit and then right before we left Amy emailed me and gave me her cell phone number and asked me to call if I wanted to meet up.

Do you read Amy's blog? If you don't, well, you should. Because she's funny and bright and cute as can be (as well as being my weight-loss hero) and seems like a buttload of fun to be around. And her two little girls are so freaking cute it almost makes me want to la-la. In short, she seems like a person that I would really want to be good friends with.

Which? Is why I couldn't call her.

Because if I called her? She would know that really, I'm not that cool. I'm overweight and unattractive and just a stupid loser. And then she wouldn't like me anymore and I would be sad. Because at least she liked me on the internet.

After the trip I realized I'm going to have to come to a point in my life where I stop being so afraid. Some things don't scare me at all. We moved to Tennessee (and bought a freaking house! After seeing it ONE TIME!) with only a few thousand dollars in the bank and no jobs, confident that it would all work out okay. I took the job I have now, knowing that it was "temporary" and technically they could have booted me out on the street a couple of months after I got there. That was in May of 2005 and they seem to want to keep me around. In work situations I will introduce myself with confidence and show equal confidence to ask the questions for which I don't know the answers. None of that scares me.

Yet. I'm terrified to let people in "real life" get to know the "real me".

It's funny. I started blogging because I wanted to be myself. All day long I feel like I have to be somebody else. While I'm working I have to do things like act right and wear shoes. (Although recently? I've not done well with the "acting right" portion) At Girl Scouts? I can't tell those girls, "Your brother is in in jail because he didn't turn out and I want you to turn out." I have to be quiet and polite and calm. In reality? I'm none of those things. I have to deal with my birth family and all the conflicting emotions surrounding them, and pretend that everything is just fine, even when it isn't.

This blog was my chance to be who I really am. Nothing here is fake. I am honest about the fact that I'm a huge flake. I'm upfront about my excessive cursing and questionable parenting skills. I am the first to admit my marriage isn't a fairy-tale, but in fact something I have to work very hard at. Nothing here is fake, at all. In fact? Sometimes what is here is way more painfully honest than what I live every single day.

So I don't know I'm having such a disconnect between the two. I know the people who read this blog are real. I know the people who send me emails and cards and mail are real. I know that I am real and what I am saying is real.

I just don't know why it's so scary to think that people like me.

The real me.

36 comments:

Shari said...

You know, I understand where you are coming from.

And seriously, you shouldn't feel this way... but I shouldn't tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.

But I must say this... You are very real in your blog. A lot of people? Not so much. They make life look like a pretty picture. Me? I shoot for somewhere in the middle. But I'm a focus on the positive kind of girl.

And Amy does seem great? Doesn't she... Perhaps that makes her a little intimidating... I'm quite sure she would have thought you are the cat's pajamas in person and all.

M said...

You? Are a kick ass friend. How you've kept me around this long is beyond me.

I understand it's impossible to believe people like the 'real' you. I think that's why blogging is so scary. The fact that people read what I write? (Certainly not in the hords that read you!) Terrifies me because I'd never ever wanna share it with anyone I 'know' because OMFG WHAT IF THEY KNEW WHAT I WAS REALLY LIKE???!!

Dude. It's time to be you all the time and everywhere and realize THAT is why people love you on so many bagels. Because you're a total non-loser and a total ass-kicker.

Besides...isn't Dawn a great example of THE INTERNET meets REAL WORLD and turns out happily ever after? I thought so.

Now. Move westward already. You couldn't avoid me. I'd just come stalk you and turn up on your doorstep with breadproducts.

xoxoxoxox love you love you love you. so lucky you even like me back just a little.

Kim said...

I could have totally written this entry for it describes me almost perfectly. I have a blog on another site that I keep up with more frequently, and I have some of your same worries about meeting them IRL. They are such amazing friends to me and I am afraid that they would feel differently if they met me or something. Hard to really explain.

Christie said...

Chick, you must promise to be my best friend forever right now because I soooooo could've written this post. I mean, totally. Word for word. Well, except for the moving to Tennessee part. While I love Tennessee and have visited many times (and will visit again later this month), I've never actually lived there.

But my gosh, seriously. I completely feel what you're saying here. And hey, nobody's a bigger flake than I am. But I admire your honest and openness, and I have to say that you're wrong about being a loser. I think you need to give yourself a little more credit and realize that all these people read you because you are awesome, even if you are a bit flaky! :)

Angie said...

I understand. . . . which is why I haven't teased (or pushed) you into meeting up with me at. . .say. . . AC Moore. . .or something like that.

I've thought about this very thing. I am much more brazen (if you will) on line. I'm pretty subdued in person.

No. It's true. I am.

Julie said...

And we LOVE the real you! But I hear what you're saying!

frannie said...

looks like you got another commenter saying: "me, too! me, too!!!!"


I feel such the same way. I am already nervous about you possibly coming to visit in the spring. I'm already trying to plan meals and activites and witty things to say, so that you will still like me after you meet me. and I don't know why, but typing that made me cry a little.

and? Amy may be coming to visit me early next year--- and??? same thing. I'm all, what if Amy and Chick don't like me or think I'm stupid or a bad mom or ugly or stinky or weird. because, I am a lot of those things. ok, all of those things. but at least I can hide it on my blog. well, I can hide it a little.

I think most of us bloggers are all still the weird kid on the playground that all the cool kids talk about and make fun of--- and we are so afraid of that the cool kids grew up and became bloggers, too.

AmyBow said...

This whole "being human" thing? is really hard. That is what they need to teach in girl scouts.

(do you like my use of your question mark pause?!)

Kellie said...

Will you move to NY and be my friend? I, too, could've written this post.

You? Are SO very from unattractive. Seriously. Please stop being so hard on yourself.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Again, this is why I read your blog. I so identify with you. I do the same thing. I have people in the blog world that I could have met in person on several occassions. People who only know me through my blog--where I am as deeply honest as can be possible about how screwed up I am--and while they seemed to still want to meet me I was scared to death to meet them. So I chicken out. Every single time.

There are so many of us like this--we should all form a club and call us the ChickenShit Bloggers, don't you think? Or maybe you could come up with somethng wittier. Cuz I'm just shootin from the hip here.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I hope you realize we see a lot of ourselves in you. And, we like what we see. I would never want to belittle your feelings, because there is obviously a reason you think this way, but I know for a fact that there are a lot of us who like you just for YOU.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

if this is the real you, then i don't know what the problem is... because you? are kinda big on the internet... :) (i remember you saying that to Jason and i laughed)...

i hope one day you will want to meet... because i would be so super duper excited and honored to be able to say i met "that chick"... :)

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

I get what you're saying, and I think you'll get there.

Amy W said...

Thanks for the love...and you know what? We will meet up one day and laugh our asses about how I am the loser and you are the cool one!

Amy W said...

And I am so not intimidating, just to let everyone know. :). So please, come visit me...

Edie C said...

I don't know you in real life, but I know you from your blog and I like what I know! :) I think we'd be good frieds.

I also know Amy, really well. Heck, we live across the street from each other. I know she would have liked you for whoever you are. She's great!

Don't be scared, be yourself. Forget those that don't like you for you!! And enjoy and accept those who do like you.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

You know, Chick. You'll be passing into a more confident phase soon. Really. Believe me on that.

I think the biggest nagging fear in meeting others is the possibility of being judged. When you hit a certain stage of your own personal development? You just don't worry about that stuff anymore. Coz it just ain't important.

I just turned 43. Let me share a little secret; there is something special that happens as you go through your 30's. Something really and truly good.

You reach a point where you suddenly realise it doesn't matter -- it really doesn't stinking matter what other people think of me (you). And then something kinda awesome happens.

You shed that coat of insecurity and just start being so much more real in real life. And then you find people are drawn to you even more. Because sincerity is attractive. THAT's why people love your blog. You're real and sincere. (and thoughtful and caring if you think you've offended someone, which you totally didn't!!)

And even though you're a little flaky in real life right now (because of this nagging insecurity - worry that others won't like the real you)? That'll pass soon enough. It really will.

You'll soon enough find yourself walking away from situations asking YOURSELF what YOU thought ---- NO longer wondering what OTHERS thought about you.

Seriously. I hardly ever leave a situation wondering what everyone thought of me, anymore.

If I lived across the pond anywhere near you? I'd make a strong effort to meet up with you and totally put you at ease. And convince you that what we see here? Is truly lovely in all your honesty.

Heather said...

Aww, I'm so sorry you missed out on that. :( ((hugs))
Here's hoping that you are able to do it next time you have the opportunity!

Kimberly said...

I'm not going to read the other comments, because I don't want to know if someone has said this already or not. I think the clincher her is that when you're really yourself on your blog, and people get to know "the real you", well...if you meet them in person and they don't like you, does that mean you're not who you thought you were? Is the blog you actually cooler and funnier than the real you? Is the fear and paranoia going to inhibit you to such a degree that you can't be yourself? And where's your second chance? Usually there isn't one, and that's scary as all get out.

I've had the opportunity to meet a fair number of fellow bloggers. Some were instantly close friends for life some were...well...myeh, nice to meet you, b'bye. Which makes me even more freaked out at the prospect of meeting more online friends. It's a risk. And I'm not so good at taking risks.

Shanilie said...

I know what you mean. I understand to some degree. I can't make myself get together with anyone other than family since I had Jacob. My self talk is not good at ALL and I would rather be around a bunch of strangers than let one of my old friends see me. We really need to find a way to give ourselves some positive talk! Thinking of you~! Ever since I 'met' you online I have enjoyed reading your posts and felt connected in some little way.

Bethany said...

1. I love you.
2. I wish you lived closer because I would totally stalk you until you met me at Target.
3. Tiger Lamb Girl is right. The closer I get to 40 the less I care about what others think.

Beckie said...

I know where you are coming from on this one...

I have a hard enough time coming up with a post let alone actual conversation and I am not cool looking...

With that said...Why is everyone visiting Frannie and nobody letting me in on it??

SJ said...

If who you are on your blog is the REAL you, I'm almost 100% positive that I'd love you if we met.

Just sayin'.

I think you are awesome. And that's wholeheartedly the truth. And that is because you are REAL.

And I love REAL people.

And AmyW is great (BFF's!) and I wish I could meet up with all you all! Totally jealous. Maybe someday. Hopefully.

AnnieM said...

I'd love to hang out with the real you!

Emma in Canada said...

I hope Tiger Lamb Girl is right because a) I totally love her and b) I am so freaking insecure about myself it's not even funny. Surely it can only get better. Unless I get way fatter or soemthing.

Anyway, like all the others I think that you are very real, I imagine I would like the "in person" you even more than the blog you, just because there would be a face there. So you know, if you ever do go westward to see M, take a trip up north. Or I'll come harass the two of you. Whatever. I'm stalkery easy.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Missy you are kind because what our beautiful chick is too nice to tell you is that I'M the huge geek.

Miss Thang, I think you're all that and a bag of potato chips (harvest cheddar sunchips, even), so you just hesh up now. I don't like people talking about my friend that way. I miss seeing your gorgeous mug every day (or at least weekly) IN REAL LIFE, by the way.

(And I was skeert to meet you, too! I felt like a goober. I think it's a weird thing, to meet someone live and in person after you've gotten to "know" them online.)

*HUG*

Wenderina said...

I was struggling for a blog topic today an dyou totally inspired me. Rather than leave a long comment here - I posted to my own site. (Of course I doubt I'll have 27 people responding to me cuz I'm as awesome as you...)

EE said...

I love the real you! I hope that you find a place (beside the blog) that appreciates this.
I found that place (surprisingly) at my church. They let me be me.
Who would have thunk it????

nailgirl said...

Sometimes Chick you take the words right out of my mouth. I am jealous of a few of my blogger friends who have met up and not liked each other, absoulutely loved each other. Then there is another girl that I just feel so awful for. She spent all of this money of a plane ticket to meet her bestest internet friend in the whole world, and she felt so unwanted and so unloved that she will never be the same. That is why i prefer to be kick ass on the internet, because meeting people scare the hell out of me.

Fine For Now said...

Love, LOVE, you and don't care what you look like!! You are hilarious, and you are a good person. Anyone would be so lucky to know you in Real Life :o)

Lizarita said...

I love you. LOOOOOOOOVE you.

Amira said...

Amen, ditto, I hear ya, sister.

Thanks for speaking for DOZENS of us real-life people.

You rock, as usual.

Rachel said...

I would totally love to hang out with you!!! But, I would be nervous too!

I love you!!!! You totally rock! Someone would be crazy not to like you!

CPA Mom said...

Chick, I. Love. You. You are NOT a flake. You are a real live wonderful woman with so much to offer to a friend.

I have met with several bloggers "in real life" now. Each time I was freaking out that they would not like me. Each time I went a little crazy in the head after we met, worrying I talked too much or something. And WOWSA, the anxiety I had before, during and after BLOGHER!

It's odd, meeting someone for the first time that knows all the intimate details of your life already. Like meeting someone who read your diary. It makes us feel vulnerable and naked.

I can't promise you'd like me either, should I ever be privledged enough to meet you in person. But I can promise that I can't wait for the chance.

CPA Mom said...

And p.s. AMY W IS DA BOMB-DIGGITY!

Sabrina said...

I don't know you at all, but I know Amy through Edie who I've known for a while. Amy is a terrific person and is one of the most non-judgemental people that I know. She's so warm and caring and funny as heck. Next time, pick up the phone, you won't regret it :)