Christmas brings out all kinds of complex emotions, doesn't it?
My beliefs dictate a lot of things that I do and think. That being said, I feel like a lot of things in my life are totally out of my control right now. In particular, a number of relationships.
A friend's situation put this on my mind, and it's been bothering me. A lot.
There are people who hurt me, badly, in the past few years. These people have done some really rank things to me. I mean, really, really bad. And then, worse, feigned surprise when I was upset or didn't want to have a relationship with them, and worst of all, that my husband who loves me, would defend me against their attacks.
I have managed to make them a non-issue in my life, for the most part. I don't see them, I don't talk to them, I don't have anything to do with them, and usually? I don't even think of them. And why would I? My life is full. I focus on my children and my husband, my work, my writing, the volunteer activities I participate in, and the twelve tons of friends I have suddenly, and blissfully, accumulated.
And the Christmas comes around and it all comes back into my house, via my mailbox.
You know, I don't consider myself an unreasonable person. I have forgiven my ex-husband for leaving me while I was pregnant, I forgave Jason for leaving me for another girl when we were dating, I've forgiven like twelve people for stealing my words and ideas and putting them on their own blogs and pretending like they were their own. That's fine. Jason apologized. The others didn't, but that was okay too, because they leave me alone.
So it's come down to one or another with me, it seems.
Apologize or leave me alone.
I am not stupid enough to ever believe I will get an apology. If I ever do, it will not be sincere. It is hard to apologize for something when you don't feel you were wrong or are somehow able to justify in your mind being cruel. I can't understand that frame of mind, and I don't want to.
My friend, who put this on my mind, is a better person than I am. She sent an email to her offender and tried to work it out. I can't do that. I am not at that point. A hundred times I've sat down and started writing and I can never quite get it right. Halfway down the page, it's full of curse words and mean accusations. I don't want that. I don't want any of it.
I just want to be left alone.
No, really? What I want is for these people to come to their senses and think, "Good Lord. We totally messed up here." And sincerely apologize. Sincerely. And admit all the things they did and admit the truth about all the lies. All the hundreds of lies. To my face. Not skirt around the issue, not send things pretending like nothing is wrong, not all this...nonsense.
But that will never happen.
So I just want to be left alone.