I'm scared now. Not because I'm afraid I'll flub the interview. Not because I'm afraid they won't think I'm qualified. Not because I think they won't like me.
I'm afraid they will. And then? I'll have to make a very huge, very real decision.
I know, I know. Oh woe is me. I've been dying to find another job. I've been praying and hoping and wishing and wanting this to happen. To have options. To have a choice. To get the heck out of a situation that has had real, serious, emotional consequences and is not safe for me, not just emotionally and spiritually, but sometimes physically.
But this is another state. This is another place. I don't know anyone.
This entire thing, sink or swim, will depend on me and my sorry butt.
And that? Horrifying.
We moved here on a wing and a prayer. This is not yet home to me, and I honestly don't know if it ever will be. We've been here three years and I still find myself bewildered by my surroundings. I still find myself feeling unsettled and alone.
So moving should be something I would welcome.
And yet, I feel terrified, literally terrified when I think about it.
Because they are probably going to want me. And I'm not saying that because I think I'm so fabulous or anything. It's just...the industry I'm in? It's pretty specific. I have every single requirement that they are asking for and probably only like a handful of people in this country are going to have every single requirement they are looking for. Also, I'm nice and friendly and I do things like show up and work my considerable arse off. And although they can't see me, if they could they'd be all like, "She has nice hair!" Because I do.
I know that interviewing does not mean I'm agreeing to come work for them. I know it doesn't mean that they will necessarily offer me anything worth even considering.
I'm just scared they will like me. As stupid and lame as that sounds. They might like me.
And then I'll have to deal with that.