Saturday, December 01, 2007

This is me. Bringing sexy back.

This morning I graciously agreed to drag my fat butt out of bed and take my beloved husband's car to the dealership so that we might get his keys reprogrammed. Apparently there was a recall...something about the keys and cell phones or some other nonsense. I can't really remember. All I know is that I got up way, way early on a Saturday morning, drove for thirty minutes and heard,

"We don't have you down as having an appointment."

I made the appointment myself. I called the day after Thanksgiving and they couldn't get me in and told me it would be TODAY before they could get me in. And I told the guy 9am and he said okay. Did I remember his name? Um. No. Do I remember my own husband's middle name most of the time? No. Me remembering is not a good gauge of whether something actually happened or not.

Despite this setback and possibly due to my delirum from lack of sleep, I was feeling pretty good this morning. I chatted pleasantly with the service manager and did not say anything like, "Oh yeah? Well I MADE my appointment and I got my butt out of bed REALLY EARLY on a Saturday morning so you can go to hell and die!" Not that I wanted to say that or anything.

The service manager was a nice fellow and was making a sincere effort to help me when a young technician came over to the desk where I was standing.

"Nice day," he said, after a moment. "Is that your car?"

"It's my husband's." I responded. I smiled at him too. Because I'm a Girl Scout and we do crap like that.

He stood, watching me for a moment and then said:

"You have pretty hair."

I said thank you and was not skeeved out. Because, well, let's face it. My hair is pretty freaking awesome.

He continued to stand there, watching me.

"Are those your kids?" he asked, gesturing to Boy and Girl Child who were looking longingly at the vending machine Honeybuns.

I nodded.

"Where do you work?" he asked.

Um. Good Lord. Intrusive!

I said, "Oh. In TheNameoftheTownIworkin."

He nodded.

And then he said, and I'm totally not kidding,

"How about I take you out sometime? Are you free tonight?"

Um. Excuse me?

I said, "Sorry, I'm married." I waved my diamond-clad finger at him.

He laughed. "You can take that ring off! Just slip it in your pocket!"

OH NOT HE DID NOT!

OH MY GOD HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT TO ME WITH MY TWO CHILDREN STANDING THERE!

I said, "No thanks."

He smiled and wandered off.

Boy Child, who had been watching this entire debacle said, "What a douchebag. I hope his wife crotch punches him later."

And you know? He was right. I told that guy I was married and he asked me to cheat on my husband. The hell? I hope his wife crotch punches him too. I don't think he was married, so maybe his future wife can do it. Whatever.

The Service Manager managed to figure out what was going on and the three of us slipped inside to wait on the car. I went into the restroom to wash my hands and glanced at myself in the mirror. Same me. Same tired eyes and wide hips. Same t-shirt and blue jeans and tennis shoes with red clay stains on the bottom. Same Old Navy hoodie I've had for eight years. No sex goddess. No Angelina Jolie. Just me.

I guess some guys like that. I don't know. Or maybe he just thought I looked fat and tired and desperate and lonely. Which, I probably do, but he didn't have to try to exploit it.

Either way. That guy was a big freak.

30 comments:

frannie said...

he surely deserves a crotch punch, if anyone does.

Angie said...

Holy ribbon candy. . .I laughed out loud at the point where Boy Child entered the conversation.

I can only imagine. . .and no, I'm *not* humming the song! : )

J said...

You ARE bringing sexy back! Now, if every other man in the world found us frumpy-looking-on-Saturday-morning MOms sexy, then the world would be a much happier place. (At least for me!)

Sleeping Mommy said...

Guys like that just creep me out. I'll never understand why they think its okay to hit on a married woman!

Kimberly said...

A big freak with good taste. Boy child's reaction? Right on!

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

'Because I'm a Girl Scout and we do crap like that.'

I'm dying here, trying not to laugh too loud coz everyone's asleep! You crack me UP chick. The things you come out with.....

I think them and don't say them often enough, frankly:).

*wiping tears from my eyes from stifled laughter*

You DO have pretty hair. It's freakin' awesome and I wish I had me some of my own like that.

Boy Child? ROCKS. Crotch punch always makes me laugh. I feel a little guilty everytime, but I laugh anyway.

And that guy was defo a freak. A funny one, who thought he was gettin his freak on, but - nope - just a plain freak.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so even if he has no morals, he has excellent taste in women...

Joy T. said...

"Because I'm a Girl Scout and we do crap like that." Oh lordy I am dying of laughter at that!!!!

my4kids said...

I love that boy child, he certainly says funny things!
I can't beleive he did that even after you said you were married...weird guy..........

Heather said...

Your kids crack me up! And that guy? UGH!

Morgan Leigh said...

It's because you are so beautiful that he hit on you, although it was inappropriate for him to ask you to cheat on your husband.

:-)

Kellie said...

I need to go back and re-read the rest. After Boy Child put his thoughts on crotch punching in? I sorta was laughing too hard to pay much attention :)

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

Ewwww. Good thing you can't just slip your morals off and put them in your pocket. Douchebag is right.

Anonymous said...

Boy Child absolutely DELIGHTS me with the things he says! :)

Blue Momma said...

He may surely deserve a crotch punch.

But seriously? He couldn't resist the wonderfulness that is you!!!!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

And his manager stood there saying nothing?

Good grief!

Jason's a pretty big guy. I wonder what that guy would do if Jason showed up and introduced himself?
"Hi. I'm the husband of that gorgeous Chick you were hitting on. Wanna see what heaven looks like?"

Hey, I'm just thinkin' out loud.

Blessings.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

LOL! It's been so long since anyone's hit on me, I wouldn't even know how to react. That guy really didn't know how to take a hint!

Blue Tissue Box said...

You, my dear, need to bottle your Boy Child. You could make a mint!

He is hysterical. The only thing better would have been if he said it TO the jerk!

(fyi, my word verification is: zlipfqu - that's good stuff! lol)

nailgirl said...

I would be like "yeah let me get right on that" Not!!!

Lisa said...

#1 YOUR BOY DID NOT SAY THAT...

#2 (ok maybe, being your kid, he did) something surreal happened to ME today too! I was sitting at Panera Bread, minding my business, eating my lunch, reading my book and this lady...walks right up to me and says "would you like to join our group?" I said, "I prefer to eat alone and read my book" (because I'm anti-social like that) and she says "oh no, we aren't eating, we are an artists group" and I say (wishing loudly she would LEAVE ME ALONE so I can FINISH MY BOOK) "well, sorry, but I'm not an artist" then I LOOK DOWN like 'okay lady go away'

She proceeds to inform me that they are a group of people who are meeting with an up and coming photographer and they were noticing how engrossed I was in my book blah, blah, blah......So I let them all know (and everyone else in that area of Panera Bread) that I am the least photogenic person in the universe, and even added an anecdotal story to prove it.

I should get my own blog.

I don't blame him, maybe he has a great hair fetish...

Chelle said...

wow, buddy had some nerve! Good for boy child - great comment :)

SJ said...

Wow, what nerve for sure since you know, you told him you were married and your kids were RIGHT THERE.

Your beauty must have made his brain go numb.....

Rebecca said...

Maybe he was a total creep. But maybe he was so overwhelmed by your beauty (that you won't see or admit to) that he couldn't help himself. You did mention that your profile pic was pretty, and it is....so...But either way I'm glad you have boy child to protect you from men who have no ability to restrain themselves.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

This is why I keep telling you those kids will secure your retirement. They'll be on the stand up tour. But, holy hell that guy need more than a crotch punch. He needs his wife to play Lorena Bobbit.

Melanie said...

Wow- he sure had a lot of nerve! I hope someone gives him a crotch punch.

Sue said...

tee hee

I am always so freaked out when someone hits on me. Er, not that it happens very often. Every 100 years or so. But it's always been when my kids were with me. I'm always like, seriously dude, what part of a wedding ring and three toddlers is not clueing you in to the fact that your attentions are not wanted? And it's always the same skeevy, weird kind of guy. Yuck.

EE said...

Face it, Chick...you're one hot mama!!!!

Edie said...

OMG! I can't believe that just happened! You told him it was your husband's car, your two children, that you were married... HELLO?? Boy Child was 100% on the money with the crotch punch comment! :)

M said...

Okay despite the fact that dude is totally needing a crotch punch (you taught your kids well) I'm so amused that you got excessively hit on. To the point that dude thought you should cheat on your husband to do so!

You are hot. And you're NICE. and you've got the nicest smile so he probably thought OMFG! She's NICE! She doesn't look like she has chlamydia! And she has kidfolk premade! Dude! I should SO date her! Husband shmusband.

Because some men? Are just brilliant like that.

Rachel said...

that guy was definitely a douchebag. I've had guys say that to me too. WTF!? I tell you I'm married and you're like, that's ok! Sadly, I don't marriage is seen as that important to alot of people anymore.