Saturday, January 26, 2008

The Day.

Disclaimer: This is getting really hard to write. I'm having nightmares.

Part 5

It was my wedding day, August 24th, 1996.

My entire chest was completely broken out in one of the most hideous rashes I’ve ever seen. It was the first time in my life that I had stress rash. It would not be the last.

I remember going to Hardees that morning to get biscuits for everyone. I don’t remember why I was the one that had to go, but everyone else was busy so I went. I only remember that because the lady at the window was a complete bitch to me and told me that since I had such a big order I should have called it in first. I remember I looked at her in a daze and said, “I’m getting married today”.

What did I expect her to say? I have no idea.

That day I kept saying, “I don’t know if he’s going to show up”.

Part of me wished he wouldn’t.

But there I was. In my white dress with flowers in my hair. Walking up the aisle with my dad.

I would not, could not look at him. I never raised my eyes to him. People commented on it later and I was pretty embarrassed. But I couldn’t look at him.

Not a lot about the wedding stands out to me. Except the fact that he never said I do. He just sort of nodded and said, “Okay”.

Then? At the reception he got really annoyed with me about something and made a really ugly face and it was on the video.

Then? When we were leaving the church? We walked out and everyone was pelting us with birdseed and instead of holding my hand, he ran off and left me to get completed pelted. The picture us leaving? Is of him and his cousin. His arm is around his cousin. I am walking alone off to the side.

For dinner that night? The night of our wedding? He stopped at Burger King. We didn’t even go in and sit down and eat.


We drove to South Carolina, on our way to Florida. We were going to Disney World. As was typical for me at that time, we had absolutely no plan. No hotel reservations, no idea where we would stay.

No plans.

I cried in the hotel room that night, wondering what I had done.


frannie said...

I understand why you are having nightmares... your life was a nightmare and you didn't know how to wake up.

you poor thing.

Anonymous said...

My heart is so heavy for you. I hate reading that you're having nightmares from this :(

I really don't know what to say. I'm sad that you went through this and sad that your wedding day was wrong.

Big, huge hugs!

Morgan Leigh said...

I'm sorry you are having nightmares! That's horrible. I'm so sorry for you, this is so sad.

Karin's Korner said...

I am with you. I also got married very young and very foolishly. I was married 4 days after I turned 18 and the reason that I married him was not because I loved him, although I did learn to love him but really, actually I never really did like him. Anyway, looking back now after being married to him for almost 20 years and now being divorced for almost 7 I realize that the only reason I married him was because I wanted to live in Minnesota and my parents lived in California (I grew up in Mn but they moved when I was 16). Stupid reason to get married....yes but hindsite is always 20/20.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I am praying hard for you right now.

Chick, it is truly an honor to get to know you and be allowed to call you friend.

God loves you and cares for you and I know that you are one of His favorites.

How do I know that?



BS said...

I salute you ... putting this down in writing is very courageous of you, but therapeutic at the same time. I don't know if I will ever have the courage to put my "nightmarish marriage" in words for all to see. I buried it long ago, but it does come back to haunt me from time to time. Thanks for sharing and reminding me that I am not alone.

MilitaryMom said...

I hate that you had to go through all of this. No wonder you have nightmares! I'm so sorry.

Angie said...

Yeah. . .what Alpha Dude said. (I've always agreed with him!)

Kimberly said...

If you're still looking for a book to write...honey, this might be it. I can only imagine how much it hurts to go over all this but...I can't help thinking how good it would feel to open some eyes...that some young women might read it and their lives might be soooo much the better for it.

Then again, from this experience you got so much of your strength, your courage....and your precious boy child and girl child. Maybe that's enough.

CPA Mom said...

Sweet Pea, I'm having nightmares with you. I hope you find your way through this mess by writing it out. You are so brave and you inspire me more with every post. How you survived and THRIVED after this mess, I can't believe. What a strong, wonderful woman you are.

Allie Bear said...

My heart aches for you, I'm so sorry that you lived this. If you think it would be better for you to stop, then please stop. I hate that you are having nightmares. Take care.

Amira said...

Chick, I think you needed to get this out. Lately, you've been battling depression, right? Well, it sounds like you're purging your system of what you have kept inside for many years.

If we don't take care of it in the present, it comes out later, to be sure.

Keep writing, Chick. It is a gift that God has given you to provide your own healing as well as healing to many others.

I will lift you up during this time.

Jenty said...

Oy, that sounds horrific.
(((HUGS))) those memories sound so painful to resurrect.

Squishy Tushy said...

I'm so sorry you ever had to live through that...

tiger lamb girl said...

Chick - I have a story too. But unlike you, I can't bring myself to write it. It's too painful. Too raw.

But maybe - maybe someday I can find someone talented like yourself, to write it for/with me. I might be willing to relive those memories in the telling.

Hey. Maybe we could put our heads together.;)

I mean a big ol' southern hug, darlin;). xo

Anonymous said...

I've been a lurker for a while. Me and my best friend have both been reading (we share our blog). I just wanted to tell you that you have a wonderful life. Your husband loves and supports you. Your children are well-bahaved and brilliant. The "guess which animal I am game" cracks me up. He sounds like my youngest sister who is quickly turning into a walking encyclopedia.

There are so many what if's in life. Don't dwell too much on them. Look at what you learned from these past experiences and keep truckin'. (something you are already doing)

It is good for you to get this "off your chest" so to speak. But you are too strong of an individual to allow yourself to live in the past. Free yourself of your demons and keep moving forward. Don't stay in the past too long or it will start eating you alive again like it used to. Before you had a wonderful husband and two great kids! I wish you the best and I'll start posting more often.

If you need a good laugh jump over to my blog. hopefully it'll make you laugh! X to the O.


Rebecca said...

I'm so glad you are a survivor. And that you have the life that you do now. You were brave to escape all of that. I can't tear myself away from reading this. You have a gift for telling and story and making us all FEEL it.

Sparkling Red said...

Nightmares... No kidding. I've been having some of my own lately, what with the past coming up for an unannounced visit.

Stay strong. :-)

Anonymous said...

Delurking here...
Thanks for sharing.

Edie said...

My goodness... reliving this has got to be SO hard for you. :(

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lord. This is horrible. I cannot imagine you went through all of this. Burger King for your wedding night? Oh, Chick.

theotherbear said...

Wow, I have just read the last dozen posts here (busy with work lately and am behind) - and what a dreadful story so far. I'm so glad you've picked yourself up and moved to a better place.

SJ said...

I know how hard this is for you, and I feel fortunate that you are sharing this with us all.

Kudo's to you. And BIG hugs.