Disclaimer: This is getting really hard to write. I'm having nightmares.
It was my wedding day, August 24th, 1996.
My entire chest was completely broken out in one of the most hideous rashes I’ve ever seen. It was the first time in my life that I had stress rash. It would not be the last.
I remember going to Hardees that morning to get biscuits for everyone. I don’t remember why I was the one that had to go, but everyone else was busy so I went. I only remember that because the lady at the window was a complete bitch to me and told me that since I had such a big order I should have called it in first. I remember I looked at her in a daze and said, “I’m getting married today”.
What did I expect her to say? I have no idea.
That day I kept saying, “I don’t know if he’s going to show up”.
Part of me wished he wouldn’t.
But there I was. In my white dress with flowers in my hair. Walking up the aisle with my dad.
I would not, could not look at him. I never raised my eyes to him. People commented on it later and I was pretty embarrassed. But I couldn’t look at him.
Not a lot about the wedding stands out to me. Except the fact that he never said I do. He just sort of nodded and said, “Okay”.
Then? At the reception he got really annoyed with me about something and made a really ugly face and it was on the video.
Then? When we were leaving the church? We walked out and everyone was pelting us with birdseed and instead of holding my hand, he ran off and left me to get completed pelted. The picture us leaving? Is of him and his cousin. His arm is around his cousin. I am walking alone off to the side.
For dinner that night? The night of our wedding? He stopped at Burger King. We didn’t even go in and sit down and eat.
We drove to South Carolina, on our way to Florida. We were going to Disney World. As was typical for me at that time, we had absolutely no plan. No hotel reservations, no idea where we would stay.
I cried in the hotel room that night, wondering what I had done.