Thursday, February 14, 2008

Open Letters: Hearts, Flowers, and also crap edition.

Dear Ginger,

Seriously? Could you smell worse?

Never mind. Don't answer that.

Also, could you please stop gnawing on your own crotch? For the love of God woman.

Love,
Your Human





Dear two hundred year old man shopping at JcPenney's yesterday,

Sir, I totally respect the fact that you are clearly shopping for your wife, as you were looking at the old lady nightgowns.

Also?

You go grandpa! Get you some!

Love,
A Chick who hopes her husband lives that long and doesn't, you know, die from smoking so much





Dear Management Type Person at Work,

Really?

Seriously? I worked on this project for four weeks, giving up numerous weekend hours, and busted my considerable arse to get it completed EVEN WHEN MY COMPUTER AT WORK TOOK A HUGE CRAP AND DIED three days ago and I had to recreate two huge documents just from my notes and you are SERIOUSLY going to stand there and give A MAN credit for every single thing I did? Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

Right in front of my face like that? Seriously?


Well. Enjoy Hell anyway. There's a special place there for you, I understand.

Smell you later!
That Chick





Dear Fiber One Bars,

Come with me! My love! To the sea! The sea of love!

Or some crap. Whatever.

Love,
That Chick





Dear Husband,

While I adore you, your dislike of the song I made up for my Fiber One Bars makes me question your judgement.

I mean really. Me singing, "Fiber One bars! I love you! I love how! You make me poo!" is better than a lot of the stuff that recently won Grammy Awards. Seriously. There was this song that won a Grammy that has lyrics that go: I know you're thinking, thinking that it must be I'm a raw flow cause it never get rusty I aint gotta say it, man dawg trust me. Bust somebody head, T.L.C. where was we?

Seriously. That's really the lyrics.

My song is like way, way better than that. Right?

Anyway. Love you!

Love,
The Best Wife EVER



Dear Everybody,

Happy Valentine's day!

Or not, if that's not your thing.

If it's not your thing? Happy Thursday!

Love,
That Chick

23 comments:

Jenski said...

Don't forget to remind Ginger not to lick you after the crotch gnawing. I love your Fiber One Bar song and the bars themselves! Happy Valentine's Day.

frannie said...

Happy Valentine's!!!

Morgan Leigh said...

Happy Heart Day! :) Love the open letters!

nailgirl said...

Happy v day!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

You totally Rock, Chick!

Hope you have a most awesome Valentines Day.

Blessings.

Allie Bear said...

What is with dogs attacking their own crotches? Do they have to be so loud and why is it always when I'm trying to sleep? I can't sleep listening to that weird gnawing, slurping noise, get a room (and not mine).

Angie said...

Love this.
Love the bars.
Love it all.

....especially you!

SJ said...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Kimberly said...

Good grief woman. It's 2am...I shouldn't be laughing this loud when peeps are sleepin'!

I want to beat on that manager guy though...grrrr....

Catwoman said...

Sorry about the ass wipes at work. Unbelievable that still happens in 2008...

The rest of your letters though? Sheer brilliance.

Sarcasta-Mom said...

LOL. Great letters. Especially to the asshat at your work. I so wish it would get better for you there.

julie said...

Your song rocks the most.

And you need a new job.

Heather said...

Raisin Bran should have it's own song, too! Woo!

Shar said...

Okay, so I read the comment from Catwoman and I don't know why but my brain put it all together wrong on first glance and for half a second I couldn't figure out what Cat Ass Wipes were or why they came into play.

I'm a dork.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I shuttered in revulsion at grandparent nookie, but you as a wife? ROCK!

Amy W said...

Love the Fiber One song as it does the same for me!!

AnnieM said...

I love your Open letters, even more than Fiber One bars. And that's A LOT! Even if they do give me wicked farts.

Rachel said...

I hate jackasses! You should have crotch punched him!!!

Also, what the hell song was that??

so tired said...

I hope you stood up for yourself and corrected the guy at work. I know it's tough to do. But, if you don't it will just happen again and again.

Was the other guy there? He should have corrected him and stated that you really did the work. I can't believe anyone would take credit for something they did not do. That will come back to bite him in the ass.

I am Trish Marie said...

Dude, your song totally rocks. Tell Jason to shut his face and let you sing.

dawn224 said...

go old guy! go old guy!

Amira said...

:) Very nice open letters, as usual. That old man...hopefully it wasn't for his mistress.

kellyo75 said...

Dude,

Your lyrics are far far better. It, too, should win a grammy.