Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What might have been.

Most of the time, the fact that I am now infertile does not bother me, really. In fact, I hardly ever think about it at all. I'm busy. My life is busy. I work a lot. I write a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about other things; my children and their needs, my husband and his needs, my plot to take over the world. I stay focused and it does not bother me.

Every now and then I get a pang of longing when I see a baby, but mostly? It's not bad. Infertility is a part of me, just like having green eyes or the scar I have on my face from where I ran into a barbed wire fence when I was a child. Just a part of who I am. Inconsequential.

Today? My infertility, my issue, my problem hits me in the face like a ton of bricks.

I feel empty inside. Hollow. Achy.

I also feel guilty. I have children. I'm "fortunate" enough to have secondary infertility. Plenty of infertile women don't get that chance at all and I am sorry for them.

But today? I'm sorry for me too.

Because I may suck at most things in my life, but I am one hell of a mother.

When my children were babies I was just trying to survive. I was just trying to make sure they had food and diapers. I was just trying to keep my head on straight. I was just trying to heal myself and my broken heart.

I wish I would have known that I would never get a second chance. I can't imagine being any more grateful for the children I have, but maybe I would have taken more moments to go to the park or bake cookies or catch fireflies. Now, I find myself with two children who are almost done with the fourth grade.

I find myself wondering where all the time has gone.

I can't change anything about this. I know that. Most of the time, I have resigned myself to the fact that being a mother again just isn't in the cards for me. That, for whatever reason, it's not meant to be. That there are a great many blessings in my life, but another child is just not ever going to be one of them.

But tonight I grieve a little bit. For what might have been.

And a little bit for me. For Jason. And for Boy and Girl Child.

Because the baby that I can't have?

Would have had one hell of a family.

20 comments:

Angie said...

You are so right, my friend. That baby would be the most precious and loved child I can imagine.

But, I think your realization of this--and the passing of time--will make your children so much more blessed in the long run.

I rambled. I just admire you so much.

Lara said...

It's ok to grieve. Just because you have other children doesn't mean there's not a loss about the one(s) you can't have. It may be a DIFFERENT loss than someone who never had any children, but it's still a loss.

Suzy said...

"I wish I would have known that I would never get a second chance."

I feel this way about so many wonderful things in my past. Especially when those happy moments don't come around so much, I think about the past and wish I'd spent more time immersed in the goodness of it all.

I think we all do....such is life. I guess.

SJ said...

Oh Chick. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You are absolutely right though, that child that you cannot have would have been a part of one hell of a family. Hands down - 100%.

Amira said...

No words, really, except...

I'm so sorry.

And GRIEVE...just grieve...

It makes absolute sense for you to do so.

Kimberly said...

You are so, so right about that.

A New Beginning said...

Stupid question, but is adoption out of the question for you guys? I know it's "not the same as being pregnant" and all but it's definitely your kid and worth it, I believe.

AndreAnna said...

Yes, they would.

I'm incredibly fertile and am done having children after this baby, but part of me feels so guilty wasting my fertility. Like I should just advertise my body to have babies for people, because I get pregnant so easy and carry babies without much effort. And my husband and I decided that we don't want anymore after this baby, and I feel like that is such a waste. Because so many people out there would cut off their arm to be 1/8th as fertile as we are.

I guess we take what we are given in life, work our asses off to make it great, and carry our guilt quietly, for whatever situation we are in.

Heather J. said...

One hell of a family indeed!

Betsey Booms said...

awww, hon. ((((hugs)))).

Just A Girl said...

My first child died from SIDS when he was 4 months old. I now have secondary infertility (PCOS)

I grieve and I know it's ok.

I wish I was there to give you a ginormous hug.

Lil Mouse said...

indeed. you guys seem really great. but 10 or so is not too late to enjoy home baked cookies (even if they're store bought) or going to the park. sure there's not the wonder of a first flower all the time or watching them eat grass, but it should be more fun because they CAN do things on their own now. run and play and you can join them or sit on the sidelines and enjoy time with your husband.

even though i can't relate personally to your feelings, i have a friend with unexplained infertility and she has a stepdaughter so her husband isn't in any hurry to have more kids, he's already got one. i think that hurts her. and i'm always sensitive when people bring it up because i know it hurts her and all those out there that are 'afflicted' for want of a better word.

notsosmallfries said...

::heart break::

Nen said...

i don't have kids... but i've dreamt of having kids my whole life... i'm not even married.. and who knows.. some day i may be and have kids - or not. i don't know what life holds - and sometimes (a lot of the time) it hurts... but just the other day... my mom was talking to me about this adoption agency (Bethany Christian Services, I think--they have tons of kids needing good homes- babies to children--my aunt is a foster parent thru them)... my aunt was telling her how there are 4 amazing kids (all related... ages 7 to 18 months) who need a home. They are in foster care right now... because their parents got into some trouble and had the choice - "give up all rights to your kids -- or go to jail". they WEREN'T going to jail... so now these amazing kids have no parents, no home, abandoned. I know its not like being pregnant (and adopting 4 kids at once would be WOW!)... but there are so many hurting children out there that you could share your love with!! They would adore a mom like you... and your family! You all seem amazing! (I wish I could adopt those 4 kids... but that doesn't really work for someone single, like me). I encourage you to google their website (if you're interested). :)

Rachel said...

No doubt about that! None at all! Boy Child and Girl Child are such amazing sibling to each other and Jason is such a wonderful dad to them both and you! you are are one hell of a mother!!!! It's ok to grieve, it's doesn't make you a bad person or ungrateful, it makes you a human being with feelings.

everaftermyway said...

((Hugs)) I wish you could have the family you deserve.

Jana said...

OMG!! YOU COMPLETELY SAID EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALL ALONG AND NOT ABLE TO PUT INTO WORDS!! As you know I have infertility issues. I feel the exact same way! I don't feel like I cherished my son enough as a baby and toddler because I was trying to survive and I was only 18 and alone...I have soooo much guilt. And I most likely will not get the chance to do it again, but then I think, I will forever have the guilt even if I had 5 more kids, because I did not cherish my first baby's babyhood. And he is finishing 5th grade this year.

Chick, I love you and the things you write. You are sooo real... and I just can't believe how much this post is ME.

I am Trish Marie said...

A kick ass family at that.

And just because you were, in your words(sort of, I paraphrased), fortunate enough to have secondary infertility, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just as badly. Kenny thinks of the girls as his own. And because Emmi's condition is genetic I will have no more children. But in the back of my mind I always wonder what it would have been like to have a child with Kenny. Because I missed out on that "happy" pregnancy. I imagine that must be hard for you, too.

Jenski said...

Just because women are in different situations with fertility, does not make any one situation better or worse. I am sorry that this day you posted was hard. There are definitely days when something particular in our lives hits us like this.

Just think about the days when you will be a loving gramma and can make sure THAT growing family is the happiest ever.

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry for your struggle. I know how hard it is -- all of it. I relate to the hindsight aspect, and I feel like that changes the way I parent the children I do have.

Anyway, I sent you an e-mail. Sorry if it hits a sore spot...