Most of the time, the fact that I am now infertile does not bother me, really. In fact, I hardly ever think about it at all. I'm busy. My life is busy. I work a lot. I write a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about other things; my children and their needs, my husband and his needs, my plot to take over the world. I stay focused and it does not bother me.
Every now and then I get a pang of longing when I see a baby, but mostly? It's not bad. Infertility is a part of me, just like having green eyes or the scar I have on my face from where I ran into a barbed wire fence when I was a child. Just a part of who I am. Inconsequential.
Today? My infertility, my issue, my problem hits me in the face like a ton of bricks.
I feel empty inside. Hollow. Achy.
I also feel guilty. I have children. I'm "fortunate" enough to have secondary infertility. Plenty of infertile women don't get that chance at all and I am sorry for them.
But today? I'm sorry for me too.
Because I may suck at most things in my life, but I am one hell of a mother.
When my children were babies I was just trying to survive. I was just trying to make sure they had food and diapers. I was just trying to keep my head on straight. I was just trying to heal myself and my broken heart.
I wish I would have known that I would never get a second chance. I can't imagine being any more grateful for the children I have, but maybe I would have taken more moments to go to the park or bake cookies or catch fireflies. Now, I find myself with two children who are almost done with the fourth grade.
I find myself wondering where all the time has gone.
I can't change anything about this. I know that. Most of the time, I have resigned myself to the fact that being a mother again just isn't in the cards for me. That, for whatever reason, it's not meant to be. That there are a great many blessings in my life, but another child is just not ever going to be one of them.
But tonight I grieve a little bit. For what might have been.
And a little bit for me. For Jason. And for Boy and Girl Child.
Because the baby that I can't have?
Would have had one hell of a family.