Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just one call.

This past weekend? I wasn't feeling very happy.

In fact? I was feeling pretty damn sad.

I always feel guilty when I feel sad. Like somehow I'm not allowed to be sad. That when I look at the children I've been given and the spouse that I have, somehow I have to turn in my sadness card and say, "Sorry to have bothered you. I'm actually good."

The problem with that, of course, is that I'm human. And, in being human, I'm going to be sad sometimes. It's not a switch you can turn on and off.

This morning, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Things are on a downswing, in general. I was somewhat pleased about my new responsibilities at work, but on Friday, all of that came crashing down on my head and I had the unpleasant realization that no matter what crazy is crazy. It doesn't matter how you pretty it up. Crazy is crazy and it's never not going to be crazy.

So this morning? I was not looking forward to coming in to work. I cried over this, and everything else, this past weekend. A lot.

I arrived at work and as I was pulling into the parking lot, my cell phone was ringing. This, unfortunately, is not unusual. My phone rings a lot. A lot. The ring indicated it was a co-worker.

A co-worker who gave me the dreadful news. That a good friend of mine (who is also a co-worker) was dealing with the fact that her husband died unexpectedly this weekend.

My heart sank. I felt like I couldn't breathe. As though my throat had closed up. I just talked to her within the past seven days. They were on vacation for God's sake. He was fine. He was normal. He was okay.

Just like that. He's gone.

I sat for a moment and caught my breath. I picked up my cell phone to call my husband and, I don't know, tell him thank God he was alive and my phone rang.

It was a company calling to offer me a job interview. A company that I applied with over the past weekend. A company that I never thought would call me back, much less call me back so quickly.

I said a quick prayer of thanks. Called my husband. Hung up the phone and got in my car, again, to move to another location to do work.

As I sat down at my desk, my cell phone rang again.

It was another company. Another company which I applied with over the past weekend. Calling to offer me another interview.

And after I hung up? I said another prayer of thanks.

At any moment, it seems, everything can change. In my poor friend's case, it can change for the worse. One moment you are alive and with the people you love. The next, you are gone and they are left wondering and in pain.

In one moment you can feel hopeless. Helpless. Sad and scared. And the next moment, your phone can ring and bring you news you have been desperate to hear. News that, if not life-altering, at least brings you some hope.

Hope that you desperately, desperately need.

It's amazing how everything can change, with just one phone call.


Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

You are really awesome and I am praying that you have a most blessed and wonderful day!


Jana said...

Right on chick, right on...

Trusting in God's plan is all we can do. I will say a prayer for your friend in her loss but also for you in your joy. Don't feel guilty for being joyful, just rejoice in it.

Kimberly said...

So, so sorry for your friend. It's hard not to feel completely helpless in situations like that.

So glad you got such a great dose of that desperately needed hope.

And about the sadness thing...I get that in such a profound way. I have a great family, great life...and I still succumb to it. We human beings are pretty messed up that way, but there's always hope or the hope of hope to pull us through.

Betsey Booms said...

That just goes to show that life doesn't care about your plans.

It hands what it hands you when it does it. So sorry about your co-worker's husband.

Congrats and best of luck on the interviews.

Catwoman said...

I'm so very sorry about your friend.

But congratulations on the two interviews. It's so nice to have not one, but two options. Good luck!

Angie said...

I don't quite know what to say except:

Wow -- sometimes things suck.


Wow -- sometimes things don't suck as much.

Jason said...

I am glad you are in the world.

Kim said...

You are so right that things can turn on a dime. Makes me thankful that God promises that He never changes.

Jenski said...

What a mix of a day. I am sooooo happy for your interviews :) and sooooo sad for your friend:( .

KiKi said...

I know what you mean. I've been feeling pretty bummed myself so haven't written in a few days. But just when I am at the point of really,really feeling sorry for myself - something like this gives me perspective.

Sorry about your friend. Also glad things are looking up for you - good luck on the job front.

SJ said...

An unexpected death is tragic - I experienced this just last year, I'm so sorry.

I cannot be sorry though for your job interviews! Way to go chick. And good luck!

Anna said...

You're so right, I've been thinking the same thoughts over the past couple days. I worked with a new temp last week, on his second night just a couple hours into the shift it was obvious he was not feeling well. We finally convinced him to let someone take him to the hospital. The next day I found out shortly after arriving he'd had a massive heart attack and was in intensive care. It's so amazing how quickly life can change.

Doug said...

I'm sorry to hear about your co-worker's husband. That is indeed one of the reasons you should always go ahead and tell your loved ones how important they are in your life.

And we, your readers, shouldn't hesitate to tell you how awesome you are and how, even when you're down, coming to your blog and seeing your smiling face over there on the side makes my day a little bit brighter.

'cause you know.. there's no guarantee I'll be able to enjoy that and mention that tomorrow. So better to tell you today than risk not being able to tell you.

Congratulations on the job interviews, i hope they go very well for you.

You haven't followed up, has the girl typist realized you totally head faked her? Or did your critical opinion actually cause he not to come back and read?

CPA Mom said...

which is probably why i hate the phone. i've gotten mostly bad news on the phone.

hooray on the job interviews!!!!

paisana said...

That's exactly it: things can change in an instant and people tend to take for granted the things they have been given. I just had a similar experience: while my fiancee and I were having a discussion about how he would go to medical school downstate for four years (and we would be doing the long distance thing, and could we really afford it, etc.), his phone rang. It was the university telling him that he had been transferred to the location down the street (literally, blocks away). And suddenly, this thing went from intangible dream to soul-sucking reality and it's great, great news and thank God, but holy shit, how the hell are we going to do this?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel ya.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry to hear about your co-worker. I cannot imagine having that happen to me.

When you just keep trying and don't give up, eventually good things will happen.