This past weekend? I wasn't feeling very happy.
In fact? I was feeling pretty damn sad.
I always feel guilty when I feel sad. Like somehow I'm not allowed to be sad. That when I look at the children I've been given and the spouse that I have, somehow I have to turn in my sadness card and say, "Sorry to have bothered you. I'm actually good."
The problem with that, of course, is that I'm human. And, in being human, I'm going to be sad sometimes. It's not a switch you can turn on and off.
This morning, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Things are on a downswing, in general. I was somewhat pleased about my new responsibilities at work, but on Friday, all of that came crashing down on my head and I had the unpleasant realization that no matter what crazy is crazy. It doesn't matter how you pretty it up. Crazy is crazy and it's never not going to be crazy.
So this morning? I was not looking forward to coming in to work. I cried over this, and everything else, this past weekend. A lot.
I arrived at work and as I was pulling into the parking lot, my cell phone was ringing. This, unfortunately, is not unusual. My phone rings a lot. A lot. The ring indicated it was a co-worker.
A co-worker who gave me the dreadful news. That a good friend of mine (who is also a co-worker) was dealing with the fact that her husband died unexpectedly this weekend.
My heart sank. I felt like I couldn't breathe. As though my throat had closed up. I just talked to her within the past seven days. They were on vacation for God's sake. He was fine. He was normal. He was okay.
Just like that. He's gone.
I sat for a moment and caught my breath. I picked up my cell phone to call my husband and, I don't know, tell him thank God he was alive and my phone rang.
It was a company calling to offer me a job interview. A company that I applied with over the past weekend. A company that I never thought would call me back, much less call me back so quickly.
I said a quick prayer of thanks. Called my husband. Hung up the phone and got in my car, again, to move to another location to do work.
As I sat down at my desk, my cell phone rang again.
It was another company. Another company which I applied with over the past weekend. Calling to offer me another interview.
And after I hung up? I said another prayer of thanks.
At any moment, it seems, everything can change. In my poor friend's case, it can change for the worse. One moment you are alive and with the people you love. The next, you are gone and they are left wondering and in pain.
In one moment you can feel hopeless. Helpless. Sad and scared. And the next moment, your phone can ring and bring you news you have been desperate to hear. News that, if not life-altering, at least brings you some hope.
Hope that you desperately, desperately need.
It's amazing how everything can change, with just one phone call.