Thursday, May 08, 2008

You cut me open and I keep, keep bleeding love.

This past Tuesday, as every Tuesday for nearly the past year, I sat in my therapist's office telling him stories about my life. Trying to scratch back the layers of who I am today and how exactly I got to this place.

In between all the drama, we talk. This man has become my friend, as strange as it sounds. He knows more about me than most people on this planet. The funny stuff and also the really horrible stuff too.

He still seems to like me. Which is weird.

I told him how my son and I were walking and he was listing all the things we like that are the same and all the ways that we are alike. Boy Child smiled broadly and said to me, very pleased, "We are so much alike, mom!"

I smiled at him. But inside I wanted to die.

Because the worst thing I can imagine is that Boy Child will ever have to sit across from a therapist someday, trying to figure out his messed up insides. To see this child that I so adore become someone who feels strange and out of control and in pain. To imagine this child as conflicted and hurting as I've been for most of my life.

Big Jim listens compassionately. I think Big Jim does all things with compassion, yet he insists he's an asshole. Maybe I'm just so accustomed to assholes I don't see it, but I? Don't see it.

After the compassionate listening he said something that I think probably changed my life.

"You are always so negative about yourself. You think you are protecting yourself. But you aren't. You're trying to protect your family."

Because if I admit that I'm okay? It goes against everything I've ever been taught about myself. That I'm not weird. That I'm not strange. That who I am and what I really want to become? Is not bizarre or strange or awful. That I'm not the one who is wrong or crazy. I'm the one that's actually okay.

I'm okay.

It felt like a ton of bricks. Actually, more like twelve tons of bricks.

But still. I'm okay.


frannie said...

I understand.

It can be so difficult to let go of your "identity".

I've been told I'm like this all my life... so it must be true.

Kimberly said...

It's one of those few times when getting whacked upside the head is a good thing.

It's hard to make that mental shift from thinking you're hopelessly broken to realizing that're okay. Because it shifts your whole world view. And that can make a person dizzy.

Good thing is? Great friends and family? Nature's gravol. We'll help keep you balanced.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

You are so much more than just okay.

You are absolutely wonderful.

Trust me. I know these things!


Angie said...

Again, I'm with Alpha Dude -- only I was going to say "you're more than okay" even BEFORE I read his comments.

Seriously. You're amazing.

SJ said...

I totally get this....and I concur with those above, you are wonderful.

An absolute gem. Be proud of yourself!

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

You're more than okay, Chick.

You're just lovely!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

I have to second (or third or fourth- whatever it is at this point) that you're more than okay.

Anonymous said...

Can I have your therapists number? I can't seem to find a good one like that!
(just kidding, I live in Kansas now :\)

CPA Mom said...

You are SO much more than o.k. And so lucky to have Big Jim. I wish I had a Big Jim Therapist!

Doug said...

I know it won't sink in, not like the revelation that you actually are okay.

But it's true.. every one of the folks in these comments that say 'Ok is a serious understatement of reality' is absolutely correct. Here's why I think so..

There are so many parents that think "I want my kids to have a better life than I have." And, to them, that means monetary, things, tangible signs of how much they work to give their children better lives than they had.

You, wonderful lady, are giving your children the better life you want them to have in the important ways. You're giving them you. Like Boy Child, you are overcoming the handicaps that you started out with and thriving in spite of adversity. Bringing smiles to the faces of those you care about and the world at large.

Never quite satisfied with where you are and seeking to improve yourself, not necessarily in the income department (though I'm sure you wouldn't mind that), but mostly in the 'I will be the person I want to be when I grow up.'

Sounds like a pretty good goal for Boy Child to aspire to Chick.. it really does.

Allie Bear said...

I think it is wonderful that boy child is like you, and I'm glad that you are starting to come to the realization that you are okay. You've been through crappy times but you prevailed and you are okay, you have an amazing family and an amazing heart. I think you need to have more faith in yourself, how can you look at your kids everyday and not see how wonderful you are? how totally and completely okay you are?

Catwoman said...

The difference between you and Boy Child is that he's being raised in a home where he is loved and encouraged and his spirit is cheered. You didn't grow up with that, and THAT's the reason you feel broken inside.

I'm of the belief that everyone needs therapy at some point in their life. There's nothing wrong with it. So more than likely, at some point, Boy Child will go to therapy. But not because he's like you, because there's nothing wrong with who you are. And I'm glad Big Jim is helping you realize that.

Rachel said...

You are definitely more than ok!! Boy Child is like you and that is a wonderful thing. He is funny and loving and caring and has a huge huge heart! Those are qualities that make me love both of you!

It's hard to let go of how you've seen yourself for all of your life, but I think it's better in the long run. You are no longer that person.

Lil Mouse said...

you're so right on this one. i gave up trying to be 'right' or what my peers wanted me to be a long time ago.

and i'm getting to the point where i just want my family to shut up and take me for who i am. that seems to be tougher. they dont know 'me' they know 'me' when i was a whiny 15 year old. who wants to be remembered like that? and of course it doesnt matter how many penalities i pay, how much good work i do, i'm still the 'youngest' even the 'grandkids' get treated with more respect than me. and its NOT because i havent earned it. it's just a role they're all comfortable with me playing and they dont get that i'm an adult and have been for a while.

just work on being YOU. because like it or not, you're getting to the place where you can accept yourself, and the GOOD thing about that is that you'll be able to tell BC and GC that it's okay to be who they are.

you're breaking the cycle and that's AWESOME! way to go!

Wenderina said...

Is it any wonder that patients fall in love with their therapists?

Kelly M said...

What a great day! TO have a such a "relief" to be taken off of you shoulders!! You are not just OKAY! You are awesome! I don't know you in "real life" but from what I've read you are a strong individual that has overcome so many difficulties in her life and has not let them define her! You are great!

Jenski said...

That sounds like a big idea to try to accept. You can do it, because you kick ass! :-)

Jhianna said...

I was going to jump in, but everyone else said it already. (Specially Catwoman: I gotta think love and strong support will make all the difference.) We're all here because we think you're great so we're going to think it's great that Boy Child is just like you.