Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Cleaning up the clutter.

I don't Spring clean.

Every now and then I purge. I sell on eBay. I throw things in the trash. I get rid of, don't think twice about, and just, wildly and with abandon, discard.

I'm not terribly sentimental. My great-grandmother died recently and I was pretty much completely appalled at how some people in my family behaved over her possessions. I told my grandmother, her daughter, "When you die, I don't want anything. My memories of you are enough".

And really, they are.


I found, in my flinging, a diary.

I've kept diaries since I was seven years old. I have dozens, literally. The one I found? I started writing when I was pregnant with Boy and Girl Child.


It was confused.

Rambling.

It was weeping. The pages were stained with my tears.


It was utterly painful.



I don't remember being that person. I don't remember feeling that helpless. That hopeless.



I don't know if I'm ready to remember being that way.

10 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Not that I've ever been anywhere remotely in your situation or anything equivocally painful.

But I've burned every diary I ever had without rereading it. And I'm very glad I did.

giants fan said...

you have come so very far!

Allie Bear said...

I have trouble reading my journal from high school, I don't recognize that girl anymore and I'm sad for her but I know that I got to where I am today because I was her.

Kiki said...

You should be so proud of what you have done. I don't know you, but I feel I have a little knowledge about you from reading your blog and you are a strong, resiliant and wonderful woman. Be proud of yourself and your family for what you have overcome. You so totally rock!

notsosmallfries said...

Whether it shows in that diary or not, the strong woman you are today was inside that young, confused woman. If you aren't ready to remember it right now, don't read it right now. It's ok to just put it back on a shelf or in a box for another time.

Lil Mouse said...

i reread my jr high diary. from when my not so secret crush died. yes, he was in my class. I couldnt believe who i was then compared to who i was when i read it, probably in college by then. i burned it. sometimes remembering doesnt do you any good. you have what you have now because you went through all that once. dont force yourself to face it if its not causing you any problems now.

Kim said...

The blessing in remembering is that you are not that person anymore and you know it.

Captain Steve said...

I have I think 4 old journals and it's awful to go back to them, and mine have nothing near so scary as yours. I couldn't imagine being pregnant with 2 kids so young.

kittyconcerto.com said...

that's why I don't go back and reread my diary. I was such a depressed kid......

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Read it, revel in being confused over "that" chick. Then chuck it. She's gone. :)