Saturday, August 16, 2008

I don't sleep, I dream.

They come and go, these dreams. Sometimes there won’t be any for months. Sometimes they’ll come every night for weeks. Sometimes I think they are gone for good. But they never go away.

The faces change in the dreams. The bodies are the same; small and hairless. Quick. Open. Bright.

But the faces always change.

Sometimes they are boys. Sometimes they are girls. Sometimes they look like me with green eyes and light hair. Sometimes they look like Jason; brown eyes, wide nose, and those little eyelashes on the wrong side of their eyes.

They are my children with my husband.
They are the children that don’t exist.
They are children that will never exist.

When I married Jason in 2003, it was totally for selfish reasons. I admit it. I loved him and he loved me and that was, in itself, enough. I had been a single mom for five years and I was okay with that. I thought I was doing a pretty good job raising my children on my own. Despite the fact that he lived in my house with me I was still the mom. The Queen. The decision maker. He was Jason, the guy who lived with us. I didn’t assume any of that would change. He would still live with us. We would all call him Jason. I would make all the decisions and rules regarding Boy and Girl Child and he would pay half the bills and have carnal knowledge of me. It would be an ideal situation.

But of course that didn’t happen at all. What did happen was that the day we got married, Girl Child went to Jason and said, “Daddy, can you help me tie my shoelace?”

She had never called him daddy, ever. She called him Jason, same as I did. She and I had never talked about him being her daddy. She, somewhere in her mind, decided that this man would be her daddy. And it was so.

And actually…it was so.

Somehow he actually became the dad. Somehow our finances merged. Somehow he was making sandwiches for school lunches and singing songs to us at dinnertime. Somehow he taught the children things. Important things like math and also things like how to always tell mommy that dinner was good, even if it sucked ass. Somehow we did things like buy a house together and send out Christmas cards with pictures of all of us and even our dog on them.

It was really freaking weird.

But I really freaking liked it.

As a result, I started seeing my husband in other ways. Different ways. Still like a really fun guy that you want to keep around forever but also like a husband and a father and a person that I could have a child with.

After the experience I had bringing the first two children into the world? That was pretty freaking huge. After being left when I was pregnant with twins and giving birth to children who looked like a seventh grade science experiment gone wrong, the fact that I would even consider trying again? Well, it was pretty darn amazing.

But he? Is pretty darn amazing.

And yet, here I am.
So many years later.

I have a two-year old dog, not a two-year old child. I have a calendar which stares at me, pointedly, looking toward my 33rd birthday, only a couple of months away. Not that thirty-three is old. It isn’t. But it’s eleven years older than I was the first time around when everything worked the way it should have for just enough time and all the stars lined up just right and there were two babies in my belly.

And overwhelming me, is the guilt.

The guilt when I look at my husband and think of how broken I am, and how he deserves someone less broken than I. The realization that he did so much more than fulfill his end of the bargain and now he is left with…me.

It doesn’t seem fair.

To his credit he says he doesn’t care. That it never mattered at all. That he, selfishly, married me for me and not for a family and the whole family thing just sort of happened. I guess it surprised both of us. In a good way, mind you, but still it was a surprise.

A really, really good surprise. An amazing one.

One that we would share with another child, could we have one.

But for now, it’s nothing at all.

Just dreams.


Anonymous said...

Great post, Chick, but it made me cry. Like Jason, I got the instant family with the package deal, and I'm infertile too. But I count myself lucky to have the two awesome kids I'm helping to raise. The only part I missed was the diapers and 3am feedings. And from what I've heard? Not much fun. So yeah, I still feel like a parent and I'm not shortchanged because they don't have my DNA. They're still mine...and I bet Jason feels the same way.

AndreAnna said...

As usual, anything I could say here would seem trite, so I'll just let you know I'm here and reading.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

Do you know that everytime you talk about being a single mom and how awesome Jason is with your kids, I get this glimmer of hope that maybe I'll get remarried again, too?

It keeps me going. Because I dream about husbands and more babies too. But realistically, I would be find just getting remarried, to someome who loves me like Jason obviously loves you.

IF nothing else, just know you give us single moms a little hope. That things can turn around...


Nen said...

you both sound like amazing people... and the fact that your kids consider Jason their dad says a lot about him. they must think he's pretty darn great! don't be discouraged about not being able to have a baby... i have gone through that for years (not because i can't have one... i really don't know--but because my "dream" of getting married and starting a family has YET to happen)... it's not good to put yourself through the emotional turmoil. you are so lucky to have the kids that you have... and though, i know there is that part that wants a chick&jason baby... maybe that's not God's plan. maybe there is some baby out there who needs you because it's mother is a crack whore and only cares about herself? maybe God made you two (and your kids) the way you are because you would be perfect for someone less forunate. a helpless baby that needs a real home. (?) i dunno, just a thought... the world is a crazy place... we need good people like you to help make it better! :)

Anonymous said...

This was beautiful. And sad. You sound like a wonderful, amazingly functional family. Good for you.

33 is NOT old (and no I am not biased), and I will not bore you with tales of friends who had difficulty conceiving, who gave up trying, and now have gorgeous babies. But they exist ;)

Allie Bear said...

Chick, I'm so sorry that you feel this way but just because you can't have a baby doesn't mean you are broken or that you are any less than any other person. You are an amazing person and an amazing mother and although I can't say whether you'll ever have another child or not, your family completes you, they make you whole and not broken. You are very much in one piece, an amazing person and someone who is very blessed.

Angie said...



Kiki said...

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. You are amazing and you have an amazing man, and an amazing family. I don't directly feel your pain, but I hear what you are saying and all I can say is... your kids are lucky, Jason is lucky and we are lucky you share your stories. :-)

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm so sorry. If anybody deserves to have what you want, it's you. Because you're great at the whole mom thing. I wish I could wish this into being for you. I'm really sorry.

J said...

Nothing I can say can make you feel better, I know.

Just know that we all love you and support you!

Tara said...

ah honey. My life sucks right now too. And I turn 33 in a couple months too. Sometimes it just seems like life is a big cosmic joke gone wrong.

Meagan said...

That you two are "enough" for each other is an achievement few know. I feel for you; I'm also very glad - and comforted - that you have such a solid, truly happy marriage.

BLMJ said...

Hi. I love your blog. This is my first comment left and I'm really new to blogging, too. So, this is supposed to be about your post and here I am talking about me. I like your blog because I have an 11 yr old boy, and was left when I was 5 mo pg too. I married his stepdad when he was almost three, but he is indeed "dad". We had a bio boy child together a year later (my 11 year old has always been an ass to him-- cannot understand why we needed another.) We adopted a girl (yeah!) two years ago from Texas (we're in Idaho-- potatos, not corn). We too tried three rounds of IVF, and I'm glad I did or I would have wondered if we'd tried "enough" before we adopted the child we were meant to have. Bless your heart, but I had my first at 34 and thought I was sooooo old! My second came in at 37, and then baby girl at 42. Working moms have to work around things sometimes. Here is a virtual hug and lots of faith for the best outcome for you and King Jason. He really rocks.

Lil Mouse said...

ditto what andreanna said.

Anonymous said...

I honestly don't know what to say. You're going to feel how you feel and I can't change that. Which makes me sad. Just know I'm here and I think you rock :)

Sweet Tea Addiction said...

It will get better. I was told at 17 I might never have children and if I wanted to I better start thinking about. Hmmmm...what 17 year-old in high school and with a boyfriend that scared very easily is thinking heavy thoughts like that - None!!! Guess what...I ended up taking fertility pills (luckily they worked after several conncoctions) and had 2 wonderful children. Then 6 years later out of the blue I find out I'm pregnant (12 weeks along) and have no clue how it happened (well, I do, but you know what I mean, especially since I had a blood test come back neg. 3 weeks prior to the ultrasound). When the doctor did an emergency C-Section and looked at my lady parts she couldn't believe I had been able to get pregnant at all. She told me nothing looked right nor did it even look like my ovaries were producing anything but cysts. Things can happen, so keep the faith and the dream alive!

Jana said...

((HUGS)) and more ((HUGS))
Chick, you took the words right out of my heart.
I so wish that I could have a child with my husband who doesn't have any. It breaks my heart to know that he can get anyone pregnant EXCEPT me!! He says he doesn't care either, but I care. And I have hundreds of dollars of medical bills too for all these tests and surgeries!!!! And I've got STUPID hairs that pop out of my chin and weight problems and all the stupid things that go with PCOS...and I look at my husband and think "Why me?". He could have it all with someone else, but he stays with me. And then I hear about women who don't deserve to have children and they continue to get pregnant and smoke crack the entire pregnancy and THEY get to be parents. And I get pissed!!! And then I feel guilty because I am a mother and didn't know it then what a miracle my son was. And I feel like if I would have known then what I know now I would have held him longer... And also there's the guilt that I'm even whining about this! Some women NEVER get to have children and at least I have ONE!!
Thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one out there... and I hope you know your not alone either. Cause I know amongst all these pregnant people and babies, it sure can feel like it sometimes...

M said...

I love you.

Every bit of you.

And Jason? Love every bit and extra bits and about 10000000 times more.

Which is saying a lot.

It doesn't help that hurt in your heart because it's a pretty natural urge and hurt but I'm glad you have Jason to share this hell with. Even if the hell feels like yours alone because to him it's all good.


Emma in Canada said...

I know how much it would mean to you to have a child with Jason, because I had that same desire to have a chiild with William. We were lucky, but I think you and Jason are lucky also. He loves your kids. And I don't say your as belonging to just you, but to both of you. Those are his kids, and I think there are very few stepfathers who truly, truly feel that way.

Rachel said...

Love you.


SJ said...

Oh sweetie. My heart aches for you. That's all...

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

You know something?

My respect and admiration for Jason grows every time you write stuff like this.

You are both so very blessed.

PaintedPromise said...

wow. tears here too. kinda sad for you about wanting a baby you most likely cannot have... (although you are in my pryers for that!!) and kinda happy that you have a man like Jason... it took me 20 years of bad luck with men but i finally have a good one too :) so i know how lucky you are...