Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Layers.

Yesterday I saw Big Jim for the first time in a month. Apparently my mental health has not been as much of an issue as of late, and Big Jim even commented on the fact that I seemed "better".

He was quick to tell me, from day one actually, that I'm not crazy. That it would be much easier for me if I were crazy.

Not crazy. Just broken.


Can you become less broken? I suppose. Somewhere is some grand, cosmic glue that can fix who I am. Put the pieces back together and make me whole.

But the thing is, when something is broken? You can put the pieces back together. You can put them back together carefully and perfectly.

The cracks are still there.


Not that it's not okay. It is.

I'm happy.


It's so odd to think that. To type it. To feel it.


I'm happy.


Things aren't perfect. I've successfully conquered fears about a lot of things and a lot of people, but others still linger. I can't fully divorce myself from certain people. I'm not even sure if I want to, really.


So I guess I'll just be cracked. I guess that's what I'm supposed to be.




It's not so bad.

12 comments:

Angie said...

Most of us are "cracked" in one way or another. Seems to me that the ones that claim to have NO flaws, blemishes, cracks, or otherwise, are the ones that REALLY messed up.

And, I remember the doctor telling me that Edison's collar bone was STRONGER where it had been broken and healed than it was before it was broken.

Hmmmm.

I'm glad you're happy.

Rachel said...

I hope I am only cracked one day soon.

Jocelyn said...

If you're not cracked, then you're not honest. I let my cracks form a little scar tissue over them, and then they become hecka tough.

Kimberly said...

I think we need those cracks. As reminders, if nothing else. I'm prouder of where I'm at because of remembering how broken I used to be. There's joy in contemplating those cracks, I think.

Betsey Booms said...

I myself, enjoy being cracked.

And cracked people are some of the loveliest people I know.

Danger said...

Our scars remind us how lucky we are to be alive. Our cracks remind us why we are lucky to be alive.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Jesus is pretty good 'cosmic glue'. The cracks are the battle wounds of life. Without them, we wouldn't have learned very much. We also wouldn't have much character, I would imagine.

Wenderina said...

Chick, I've been reading about your life journeys for over a year now. And I have to say, that while your sad days have brought many tears to my eyes, this post? really got the tears flowing. How wonderful to see you reach this part of your life and to be really coming into your own. You are inspiring in so many ways. Go you, for sure.

Rottie_mom said...

I think we all have cracks. It is great to hear you are happy, that makes all the difference in the world.

Im def cracked but so much happier than I was 1 yr ago. Getting divorced was the smartest thing I did in a long time!

anna said...

I have to disagree with you, having been broken does not condemn you to a life of being cracked. When we exercise, it actually tears the muscles a little, and as they heal they become stronger. Even when something seems broken beyond repair, it can be melted down and remade into something new and beautiful, perhaps more magnificent than it was to begin with. Maybe the secret of life is to quit trying to fix ourselves, and focus on remaking ourselves instead?

SJ said...

Chick, I think your cracks are beautiful. Afterall, isn't that what makes each and every one of us one of a kind?

Captain Steve said...

Cracked is good. I think completely solid is kind of Stepford.