Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Life= FAIL.

It's not healthy to be me these days. And I'm not just talking about all the ways I manage to injure myself. I mean, within the span of a month I bruised the absolute crap out of my knee, twisted my ankle, SOMEHOW got a huge bruise on my thigh and then fell into a river. I FELL. INTO. A. RIVER. Do normal people do that? I don't think so.

In addition all those mishaps? I'm also obsessed with the past. And things I can't change. People I don't see anymore. Places I don't go anymore. You get the idea.

And this is way beyond me Googling people and sending their pictures to my friends and saying, "Am I prettier than her?" Not that I don't still do that. Because I do. But it's other things too.

I feel out of place. But I don't know where the place I'm supposed to be is, either. Because after a while? If you feel out of place everywhere? Then it's you. You know? Every place on Earth can't be the wrong place.

There's something wrong with me. And it's not that I'm fat or a bitch or a cunt or whatever else anonymous douchebags want to say about me.

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.


And yes, I know I'm having a bad time. Things are not normally like this. I should be grateful for all the good things I have. And I am.

I'm just having a bad time.

26 comments:

Danger said...

(patting shoulder:) There, there.

Priscilla said...

Big hugs dear sister.

It's human to feel as you do. Human. We all do to some degree. You're doin great! You're losing weight! You have awesome children. A fabulous husband. A terrific dog. A job, a home. It's all good. This will pass, it always does you know, it'll pass.

Have a cup of tea, soak in the tub (tell hubby it's therapy and you'll shoot him if he bothers you, or, you'll feed him Mexican for the next month)light some candles.

Go on. . .do it.

You'll feel better, I promise.

Thanks for sharing your heart with us. We can all relate.

giants fan said...

(((hugs)))

Miss Burb said...

I know that feeling all too well. I've never felt like I fit in and for a while during my teen years, I pretended I didn't want to. But it's nice to feel like you belong somewhere. Not that I would know what that felt like

judy in ky said...

You are not alone. I haven't fit in for years now. Just relax and be yourself.

AndreAnna said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. I wish I knew the right thing to say.

Scraptagious said...

Isa 48:10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.


Sometimes, its not necessarily something you are doing...but maybe something that you NEED to go through, to get to a better place...

You are a blessing to many...you brighten our day (for sure you make me crack up as I read you) and you surely are a treasure to your family and all who know you...just keep on being yourself...

Jodi said...

This might be total B***S*** but i have lost 40 lbs in the last year and a half on weight watchers and I went through the same thing for a while. I had lost my emotional attachment to food, I was stuck between hottie and Fattie and hated clothes not fitting but being proud they didn't fit, so many ups and downs I could see myself becoming almost beautiful but still looking like a fat girl feeling more confident , but still insecure it is a new life. I wonder if that could partially stem your roller coaster, I swear I have been there. I believe you lose your identity with your weight and have to find your self again.. Keep looking your there..

Blue Momma said...

Love you. Even if I never comment anymore.

What you should probably do is just pack up you shit and move down here. The house two doors down is for sell.

Then we could whine to each other and both feel better.

PS. The size of my ass would NEVER make you feel fat!!!!

Anonymous said...

Going into a serious funk after weight loss is not uncommon at all.

It throws people; just like postpartum depression.

"What? This is a "happy thing", a "good thing". "What's your problem"

So know that it's "almost" normal to feel like this after such a big life event + take extra care of yourself until you pass yourself on the way back "up".

Madame Queen said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I read every day (though I don't often comment), but it seems like you're really working through some serious stuff, stuff you don't really talk about. And maybe this "not fitting" is because you haven't worked through all that yet. And maybe things will feel better once you've done that.

But you know, it's got to be tough to have people that you don't even know say such harsh things (anonymously, of course) to you. If someone were calling me what they're calling you, I'd either go all homicidal on their ass or I'd give up. I applaud you for not doing either. Stay strong. WE love you.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

**HUG**

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I get this, sweetie. I completely get this. Because I feel this almost daily. Love you and you're awesome. :)

Meagan said...

I think I know how you feel. A lot of times I'll feel (and even say) that I want to go "home." Even when I'm sitting in my own house. At those times, I just don't know where "home" is... or where I'll feel 'at home' at least.

If it's any consolation, you fit in with me, and a lot of us here in the comments. We're behind you.

SJ said...

I wish I had words of advice, but nothing I can say will help. You'll work things out, I know it!

Big hugs to you!

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

I am sorry you are feeling bad. I hope you start feeling better soon. You are in my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to be happy.

kristi said...

Emotional stuff sucks big time. I hope things get better for ya!

Doug said...

Keep reminding yourself, you are working really hard on improving some aspects of yourself you have not worked on in a very long time.

Guess what.. that means you're just a beginner at some things. So you're going to screw up like a beginner does.

Do normal people do that? I don't think so. I do think so.

In a lot of ways you are re-learning how to be you, as who "you" is changes and evolves. So you don't even really fit in with who you were just a month or so ago.

That's very normal. You just don't see it in other people because 99 percent of it's internal.

CPA Mom said...

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.

notsosmallfries said...

Hugs. Me too. I hope the ick goes away soon.

Tarasview said...

ah honey, I'm with ya 100%.

Sucks to be us sometimes eh?

Sarcasta-Mom said...

I'm right there in Funkyville with you. Sometimes things just get to overwhleming, and you feel like you don't fit in your own skin. I'm struggling with my "fit" right now as well.

For now, just know that I'm with everyone else who's posted who's sending you hugs and good vibes.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Doug is smart.

M said...

I love you.

I feel ya.

I totally get it.

Nen said...

i read your post... and i really didn't know what to say... i didn't want to come up with some "same old, same old" line. so i decided not to say anything. then i went to another blog and a song started to play... and i really just felt like i needed to share it with you. the video isn't the best... but i really like the song and it just made me think of you. hopefully the link works!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmIZOd5AXmQ

if it doesn't work... you can watch it on youtube--search for All I Can Say - David Crowder

Kellie said...

I'm sorry you feel this way. It makes my heart hurt for you.