Thursday, October 23, 2008

Like a motherless child.

I had two dreams.

One of them was that I was offered a book contract. For the book I've already written.

I don't remember anything else about that dream.

The other dream was that I was having a conversation with my mother-in-law.

I haven't spoken to her in four years. More than four years, actually.

We were sitting on her porch swing. (She doesn't have a porch swing in real life, unless she's acquired one in the past few months) She is being nice. We are talking. We are figuring out what went wrong.

This time, I am the one in control.
This time, she is the one that is crying. That is wanting. That is trying desperately to make the other person understand.

Not me.


Five or six years ago, I tried to have this conversation with her. I tried to tell her how I felt. I tried to make her understand that I loved her son and I wanted to be a part of her family. That I was hurt by her actions. I was hurt by being left out.

It did not go well.

I cried a lot. She said really mean things to me like, "You will NOT make my son choose. If you try to make my son choose between us, he'll pick me."

I guess that didn't really work out how she planned.

But the thing was, I wasn't trying to make him choose. I never tried to make him choose. I never wanted there to be a choice.

I just wanted to belong.

I grew up with two sisters. Both my sisters are beautiful and special. I was ordinary looking and fat. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn't even matter. I was just quiet and no one felt I was very interesting, even though I was interesting, it's just that no one noticed or cared.

And here I was, looking at a chance to be the ONLY something. The ONLY daughter-in-law. It was a primo opportunity for me, and I knew it. And I really, really wanted it.

But that's not what she wanted.

Or rather, *I* wasn't what she wanted.

I don't know why I'm thinking of all this. I don't know why this is coming to me in dreams. I guess because it looks as though I'm going to have to deal with all of this soon.

So I'm trying to detach.

And I'm remembering that even if I didn't want him to pick between us, he did. And he picked me.

He loves me. He's on my side.

Our side is awesome.

And I tell myself that it doesn't matter if she likes me or not. Really, she doesn't even know me. She never even tried to know me.


I'm telling myself all this.

13 comments:

Sabrina said...

picking sides is really tough lady. My hubby was in a similar dilemna and he had to pick sides, not because I made him, but because the other party forced him to pick a side. My heart goes out to you. In law problems are a pain in the ass.

Patience said...

That is sad. I had a mother-in-law just like that. She thought by being mean to me, by giving him such a hard time about me, that we wouldn't get married and she would win.

Somebody convinced her that we were indeed going to get married whether she liked it or not, so she'd better get used to it! Then she decided it was a wonderful idea, that she and I would become good friends!

Well, by that point, the damage was done. She had hurt me to the core, made me bleed. I had no interest in becoming her friend. I tolerated her, because she was my husband's mother. But I didn't want anything to do with her otherwise.

Betsey Booms said...

Your side is the best side ;)

He did pick you, he shouldn't have had to, but he did and it's clear why he did.

You are beautiful and special and you have a voice, listen to it.

Angie said...

For the life of me, I cannot figure this one out. But, I am so glad Jason picked you. He shouldn't have to choose. She's the one that is forcing him to do so. . . and as a mom, well, that just sucks.

And, labeling yourself as "ordinary and fat?" Well, I have got volumes to say on that one, but I'm going to hold my tongue.

kayla said...

best wishes and such a great blog site. i will be back some how i found you looking for stuff on our sons birth defect esophageal atresia.

Miss Burb said...

I was just quiet and no one felt I was very interesting, even though I was interesting, it's just that no one noticed or cared

god, this is exactly how I've felt for so long. I'm comforted AND sad that I'm not alone in that situation

Kimberly said...

It's one of those things that doesn't matter but does all in one moment.

My mother-in-law is civil, and even sweet when she's drunk, but when she's sober I'm the messed up little girl who hasn't gotten her act together and forced her husband to exercise and eat well so he doesn't die from a heart attack at a young age.

I tell myself what she thinks of me doesn't matter, but somehow it still does.

PaintedPromise said...

OMG i can SO relate to the MIL thing... my husband chose "our side" too, but the in-laws keep pushing. frankly i think my MIL is jealous of me because for the first time in his life, her son does not NEED her... i am a capable wife unlike his first... instead of being happy for him, she can't handle that she is no longer in charge of his life.

her loss!

Chick you ROCK! so what if you are "ordinary and fat" - i for one will say, SO AM I!!!

Lisa said...

First off, you are not ordinary looking...you have that rockin' hair and such a sweet face. Considering how gorgeous your daughter is, there has to be some of you in her...and she didn't appear to get your hair...

I had a dream this morning, too. We rented a house in June. I dreamt that these people showed up and told us that they had purchased the house and we had to move. The treated us like squatters and the dream went on and it came out that they had only put down like 1000$ or something and we have paid 6 times that since we moved in so it was determined that we had more invested in the house. I hate dreams sometimes.

PS I hope your MIL begs, cries, and pleads you to forgive her.

I am Trish Marie said...

You know, the thing is IF you had made him choose sides, he might have gotten pissed and chosen his mother. But you didn't make him choose sides, she did. She was the one, by her actions, that forced him to choose. And? That just goes to show what kind of person you are and what kind of person she is. You are the kind of person that despite what someone has done to you can see beyond that. She is the kind of person that can see no good in herself, and there for see no good in others. Hopefully, one day she will get it.

If not, Plan B is I'll hold her down, you kick her.

kristi said...

Just like my MIL, she is missing out. It is sad. I have been married to her son for 14 years and I don't think she ever has let her "little boy" go.

Susie said...

Oh, shmoopie...

As one of your "beautiful and special" sisters, I feel it is necessary to point out to you that WE LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE!!! Except you got the good hair.

You know, I grew up thinking that I wasn't good enough either. Hell, I still think that sometimes. We were raised to believe that we were less, that we as weren't important because we were girls. We ALL felt invisible (I'm sure our other sister would agree). But you were never invisible to me. You were my best friend. You still are. And, my dear, you couldn't be ordinary if your life depended on it. You have always been beautiful and special and interesting. And I have always been lucky to have you in my life. I love you!

CPA Mom said...

I love that comment from your sister above. LOVE IT.

And I have the same MIL as you. And feel so much the same as you. What is wrong with these people?