I had two dreams.
One of them was that I was offered a book contract. For the book I've already written.
I don't remember anything else about that dream.
The other dream was that I was having a conversation with my mother-in-law.
I haven't spoken to her in four years. More than four years, actually.
We were sitting on her porch swing. (She doesn't have a porch swing in real life, unless she's acquired one in the past few months) She is being nice. We are talking. We are figuring out what went wrong.
This time, I am the one in control.
This time, she is the one that is crying. That is wanting. That is trying desperately to make the other person understand.
Five or six years ago, I tried to have this conversation with her. I tried to tell her how I felt. I tried to make her understand that I loved her son and I wanted to be a part of her family. That I was hurt by her actions. I was hurt by being left out.
It did not go well.
I cried a lot. She said really mean things to me like, "You will NOT make my son choose. If you try to make my son choose between us, he'll pick me."
I guess that didn't really work out how she planned.
But the thing was, I wasn't trying to make him choose. I never tried to make him choose. I never wanted there to be a choice.
I just wanted to belong.
I grew up with two sisters. Both my sisters are beautiful and special. I was ordinary looking and fat. I felt invisible. I felt like I didn't even matter. I was just quiet and no one felt I was very interesting, even though I was interesting, it's just that no one noticed or cared.
And here I was, looking at a chance to be the ONLY something. The ONLY daughter-in-law. It was a primo opportunity for me, and I knew it. And I really, really wanted it.
But that's not what she wanted.
Or rather, *I* wasn't what she wanted.
I don't know why I'm thinking of all this. I don't know why this is coming to me in dreams. I guess because it looks as though I'm going to have to deal with all of this soon.
So I'm trying to detach.
And I'm remembering that even if I didn't want him to pick between us, he did. And he picked me.
He loves me. He's on my side.
Our side is awesome.
And I tell myself that it doesn't matter if she likes me or not. Really, she doesn't even know me. She never even tried to know me.
I'm telling myself all this.