Monday, November 10, 2008

Twitchy.

I have a really, really bad habit of fidgeting.

All. The. Time.

I absolutely cannot sit still, ever, which makes it really difficult for me to tell my son, "Boy Child, you really can't be doing jumping jacks all over your freaking fifth grade classroom. It totally bums the teacher out". Because dude. For real. The minute I get to work, the shoes come off, I'm sitting on one leg, and playing tap dance rhythms with my left hand while I hum show tunes.

As a complete aside? I'm pretty sure my officemates HATE ME AND WANT ME DEAD.

Anyway. I'm also fat as Holy Hell, still. All this walking and obsessive Points counting and stuff is helping, but sadly I have not magically lost 100 pounds immediately. Which is a real bummer and makes me want to eat cake which would TOTALLY DEFEAT THE PURPOSE by the way. So I'm left feeling all conflicted and alone and cranky. And hungry.

So I'm sitting at my desk at home working on...I have no idea, something. And I'm gleefully bouncing my leg in time, presumably, to the music that only I can hear.

Jason is sitting on the couch. Which is maybe five feet away from the desk at which I am sitting.


And he says, and I swear I'm not kidding:

"What is that...is an airplane buzzing our house?"


Oh. My. GOD.


I whipped around in my chair and said, "What? THIS?" Indicating my bouncing leg.

"Oh was that it?" he said, TOTALLY UNAWARE OF HOW EXTREMELY INSULTING HE WAS.

So, being the extremely reasonable and morally and socially responsible individual I am who was TOTALLY NOT HYPED UP on Nyquil at that exact moment, no matter what he says, I said:

"SO NOW I AM SO OBESE YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN ME AND A PLANE FLYING OVER OUR HOUSE?"


Well. To say he looked a bit surprised would be a pretty big understatement.


"OH! MY! GOD!" I shrieked and he looked a bit frightened and confused. "I have become SO MASSIVE that I SHAKE THE ENTIRE HOUSE WHEN I WALK?!?!?"

"Babe, that was not what I was-"

"SO MASSIVE AM I! OBESE!"

"You aren't obese Stephanie, I was just-"

"OBEEEEEESE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOBESEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OH TO THE BESE!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD!" he shrieked. "Knock it off woman!"


That made me laugh. So I stopped shrieking.


But really, now. Shake the whole house?



Jesus. He SO needs a tune-up.

10 comments:

Chelle said...

I'm dying here. And honest to god, I'm only laughing because I can see the exact. same. thing. happening at my house, only I may not be hopped up on Nyquil when it happens.

Kimberly said...

Our house was built in the early seventies so it really does shake when I walk.

We try not to talk about it.

Get the man's ears checked, maybe?

CPA Mom said...

that was SO funny!!

and I am feeling the same way about weight loss. an entire year of posting and counting and what do I have to show for it? 15 lbs.??? I might as well paint a big L on my forehead and be done with it.

Amy W said...

Hilarious!

At the cabin this weekend, the ladies on the floor below me complained they could hear me when I walked when I got up EARLY every morning. Guess I walk heavy!

I waved in your general direction when I was there...

mean stepmom said...

so THAT'S what that noise was! ;)

Wenderina said...

This is where my mother would say, (totally invalidating my feelings), "and where are you in your CYCLE dear?" But maybe it's just chocolate withdrawal. Or maybe he's just SOOO wrong.

Angie said...

I love you. Plain and simple.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

HA! What would have put the cherry on top would have been him asking you if it was that time of the month. MEN!!!!

Betsey Booms said...

My life in my house is loaded with moments like this!

SJ said...

I think my husband needs a tune-up too! OMG, I laughed at that. HARD.

And you lady are doing wonderful with Weight Watchers. Don't give up! But I tell you, I'm stuck in that awful thought pattern too - I just want to eat junk.