Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm also bitchier than her mom.

The children are visiting my family in North Carolina. I will join them in a few days. For now, though, it's just the two of us.

Whenever the children are gone the two of us seem to regress into these people that are totally incapable of doing things like having dinner. We just eat two bowls of cereal a day and watch a lot of television and declare it all good.

So we were hungry and also out of cereal and low on milk so we decided to go for a ride to a nearby city and go to a pizza buffet and eat.

As I've mentioned before, I loathe the general public and most pizza buffets.

Plus? I have PMS.

It's a trifecta y'all. For reals.

We decide to sit in one of the rooms that are generally designated for children. They had football playing, which in my world is much, much worse than cartoons, so I thought it would be okay. I had a headache, didn't want to be there really, and have been having some major fiber issues due to the copious amounts of cereal I have consumed recently. So I wanted everything to be okay despite the obvious handicaps of the situation.

And you know? I was going to blog about how rude people are at buffet lines. And how this one guy stood so close to me while I was trying to get a slice of pepperoni that I LITERALLY ran into him when I turned around because he was STANDING ON MY BACK. I was thinking, "Dude. It's not that good. For real".

And that might have been funny.


But instead here's what really happened.


After we were seated and eating a family came into the same room. The family consisted of a lady who was in her 40's, a girl who looked to be about 16 who was carrying a baby, a young man who was of different ethnicity than the ladies (I say this only to prevent the utter shame he would feel if he were biologically related to these women, not that I care what color he was), a little boy of around eleven or twelve, another little boy who was about seven, and a little girl of about five years old.

The little girl? Beautiful. Darling. Spirited. And wearing a shirt that said "Brat" in glitter.

It was an omen. It had to be.

The little girl, we'll just call her Bratgelina, was running amok throughout the room. Shrieking gleefully about what a wonderful life she was having. Her mom? grandma? guardian or whatever was paying her absolutely no mind.

So whatever, you know? She's a kid. Kids don't always act right. I'm sure my own kids have behaved inappropriately in social situations. Of course, never in front of me because frankly? I brought them in this world and if they acted like that I'd also take them out.

But that's just me.

The little girl threw her pizza crusts on the floor. She poured cheese all over the table. She screamed, loudly, "SHAKE YOUR MONEYMAKER! LOOK AT ME MOMMA! MOMMA, I'M SHAKING MY MONEYMAKER! SHAKING AND SHAKING MY MONEYMAKER! MOM! LOOK! I'M SHARPAY MOM!"

And honestly? I sort of snorted behind my hand when she did that. Because while that is wildly inappropriate and all, it's also kind of funny. I can always seem the humor in the wildly inappropriate. It's sort of my thing. And considering my kids say things like, "IT SAYS PENIS IN THIS BOOK MOM!" I guess that's not so bad is it? I mean, granted, they don't do it in public. Not that I know of anyway. Still. She was a kid. She wasn't REALLY going to jump up and start singing songs from High School Musical 3 or something.

Then the little girl, who was running around her table, decided to come to my table and say to my face,

"YOU ARE FAT! FAT! F-A-T! YOU ARE MUCH FATTER THAN MY MOM!"


Her mom (maybe?) looked over at me.

She smirked.


SMIRKED.


I said nothing. You know? Because it's not that child's fault that she is so ill- mannered and it's certainly not my place to "school" her, especially since her mother so clearly does not care that she's not turning out at all. If my own child had said something like that they would still be trying to remove my foot from their backside because they had better understand by now that you don't make fun of someone for what they look like or what they have or don't have.

That's crap.

And okay, I'm fatter than her mom. It's not like I woke up this morning and was shocked to discover that I'm not a Supermodel after all. My weight doesn't define me. My hair, maybe. But not my weight. So basically, the child wasn't lying or being inaccurate and how am I going to fault her for that?

So ignoring her seemed like the best option. She left me alone soon enough and went to another table to inform the family there that their baby had a big nose. So I guess I got off easy considering.


Jason was gone from the table when the whole incident went down and when he returned he and I were speaking quietly to one another about how people behave so inappropriately in buffet lines. I said something, I can't even remember what, but I used the word, "stupid".

Bratgelina? Heard me.

And loudly announced to her mom/cokewhore/whatever, "THAT LADY USED A BAD WORD! SHE SAID STUPID!"

I know "stupid" is a bad word in some homes. That's cool with me. We don't say certain things in my house (stop laughing), primarily because certain things are mean. And words can hurt. And I ought to know. Because by God we're the most sarcastic and snarky bunch of people you'll ever meet, but mostly? We aren't mean. Not really.

The mother finally found her ovaries and for the first time decided to comment on the situation.

So she said, looking at me, "Just ignore that lady. Some people don't have ANY MANNERS and are VERY RUDE".




Now, before I tell you the rest of this story, please allow me to say that I'm not proud of how I behaved in this situation. I do, sincerely, try to be the bigger person when things like this happen. This situation included a child and I try not to hold a child's dreadful behavior against them when it's obvious the parent hasn't done his/her job. But, hell, I wasn't in my own city and really? This person is so lucky I didn't react the way I wanted to. Which, in case it isn't obvious, would have landed me in the local jailhouse.


I said, "EXCUSE ME?"

She looked at me. Said nothing.

I said, "Did you just imply to your child that *I* am rude? BITCH, PLEASE".

Yeah. I said it.

About that time the woman's mouth fell open, but alas. It did not deter me.

"Did you notice that your child has insulted everyone in this room and is behaving like a complete tool and disrupting everyone trying to eat a meal? Maybe you should do something about HER AND YOURSELF before you go calling anyone else rude!"

And then I left.





My only regret is that I didn't do my three finger-snaps move at her. Maybe next time.

43 comments:

Little R said...

Oh you go lady, GOOD FOR YOU. That poor child needs telling before she grows up into an insufferable person with no idea how to relate nicely to other people.

Julie said...

*stands up and applauds* It's good to hear someone stand up to these rude ass parents! What truly worries me is the fact that yeah, the child could pass as cute now despite the attitude but in several years she will just be a brat. She won't be any better off and the cycle will keep on. Ugh. Parents like that really irk me.

Malskey said...

WOW... It always amazes me that parents allow their children to do shit like that... My parents would have/did beat my ass when pulled shit like that... And I mainly got in trouble in public for fighting with my seester...

Go you!! Hope the kid learns some manners before she is too old to realize she is acting like an idiot!

I am Trish Marie said...

Thank goodness. You probably did that child a favor. Obviously her mother isn't going to teach her any manners or even recognize that they lack manners.

Roxanne said...

I totally would have paid to see that. Especially if the 3 fingers snap was included. ;)

Julie said...

Bravo! Good for you.

FishermansDaughter said...

Girrrrl! G'won wit ya baaad self! Three snaps in a circle, werk ya neck, suck ya teeth, roll ya eyes and SLAP that mama!

Ron said...

You Rock!!!!!

clara-runner said...

Bravo! I am surprised you didn't include the part about the others in the room breaking into applause.

Thanks for saying what everyone else was thinking.

Patience said...

You Totally Rock!!

MDA said...

I so want to see you in action at the symphony.

barbj said...

GO CHICK! DH about blows a gasket when I do stuff like this, and tells me my big mouth is going to get my butt kicked one of these days, but some people NEED to be put back into their places!

queenrandom said...

Did you ever know that you're my he-ro?

You're everything I wish I could beeeeeeeeeeeee

Karin's Korner said...

I applaude you!! Good for you. Maybe when you are in NC, you can look me up...we will go have lunch and....well....whatever happens will be hilarious!!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

You really are my personal hero. I wish I was a little bit braver about that stuff. There are so many times when I regret that I didn't open my mouth when I had the chance.

P.S. I'm rocking a few kids free days too, and lovin every minute of it!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OMG I wish I had that on video!

Bethany said...

Did the dining room applaud? I would have!

Betsey Booms said...

Just last week while at a pizza buffet I decided that hell must surely be the line of a pizza buffet...

But this? This is definitely more interesting.

And good for you!

julesofdenial said...

Don't feel bad. These things happen at buffets.

And if I had been there, I would have given you a standing ovation.

Darci said...

YES...I am so very proud of you...

Angie said...

you.are.my.hero.


...and how impressive is it that Mark commented first?!?!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Around the world and snap back! I'm in total agreement with you, hon. Kids are honest as all get-out, but seriously? People need to teach their kids about common courtesy and being polite.

Teena in Toronto said...

Wow! What a brat! Good for you for not backing down.

Suzy said...

When my weight had gone up and right before my surgery, the janitor at the hotel at the corner inquired if I was PREGNANT.

I whirled around and said, "You are a very rude man. You dont ask women that. Now get the F away from me."

Now I'm mad all over again.

Snarky Lady said...

I would have soooo giggled if I had been sitting in the room. In fact, I may have very well broken into applause as another person said. Bravo, bravo, bravo. Let's just hope their doesn't have to be an encore!

Kristy said...

You are a bigger person than me because, I? Would have been in jail! Good for you, I can hardly stand to go in public around kids these days-hardly anybody believes in discipline it seems!

Rachel said...

Rock on sister!!! I was actually thinking the same thing Beth was and I totally would've clapped!

Lara said...

You should have stayed. I'd bet there would have been applause after that.

giants fan said...

Maybe you aren't happy with your behavior, but I am!!!

Anna said...

You totally deserve a standing ovation! Take a bow!

judy in ky said...

I hope you wiped that SMIRK right off her face! Way to go!

talea said...

I about died when you actually said OUT LOUD, 'Bitch. Please.'
Good on ya!!!! Love it!

Lil Mouse said...

i love it. way to go and you're my hero and everything else everyone else has already said. to let your bratty little kid get by with that shit is one thing, but then to imply that you are in the wrong is something completely different. i'm glad you stood up to those snotty beyatches before the kid could harass anyone else.

CPA Mom said...

Giants fan is right..I'm THRILLED with your behavior and I would have applauded too!

SPONGEMOM SWEATPANTS (formerly Crazy Mama!) said...

If I didn't love you before...I DO NOW. You're the shit.

Jessica said...

This story makes me so happy I really have no decent words for a comment.

so happy.

EE said...

You rock... SERIOUSLY!!!

Tarasview said...

I think I may just love you.

You are my hero. When I grow up? I SO want to be able to snap my fingers and say "Bitch Please" to the people who piss me off.

I'm feeling inspired!

:)

Wenderina said...

I so do not have the guts to do stuff like that...only in my dreams is it possible. Thanks for living out my dream (well, I know you had to live out the nightmare first, but seriously)...bitch, please.

Anonymous said...

It takes a village. And sometimes it takes a village hero to stand up and let a child know that their behaviour is unacceptable, even if their momma doesn't have the gumption or the class to do it. SOMEBODY has to let that kid know what the appropriate way to behave like a decent human being is.

SJ said...

Wow. I'm quite enraged that people act this way in public.

I'm so very proud that you stood up for yourself and told that sorry excuse for a Mom, whatever the hell she was off.

And you are right, you do have awesome hair.

Jenski said...

HA! That is great that you stood up for yourself and put the mother in her place. Can you imagine how much (more) you would be fuming right now if you hadn't??? I bet everyone else there went home and told the story - I know I would have!

birthsister said...

I'd have also thrown in something like "...and for the record? I can lose weight. you can't fix stupid."