Thursday, December 04, 2008

No rest for the wicked. Or Stephanie.

It's official. I'm an ass.

I got three hours of sleep last night. Not because I was dreaming that someone was trying to kill me. That was the night before last. Not because I was dreaming that I was having an art show for my book (the hell?) and my mother was there and insisted that I take my book down so my brother's art could be displayed instead. That was last week.

I couldn't sleep last night because:
1) My husband was snoring. And not just light snoring. The whole mouth open SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK snoring.
2) At one point my husband decided that my HEAD was his pillow. Not my pillow. MY ACTUAL HEAD.
3) My husband? The one that I love and all that? Rolls his entire body, burrito-style, into the covers and yanks every single bit of said covers off of me.
4) Same husband also periodically shrieks things. Like, "HI!" and "How are you today!" and "Welcome to Sunbelt Loans, may I help you?".

When he said the Sunbelt loans thing? I rolled over, got in his face and said, "IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M GOING TO WELCOME YOU TO MY FIST".

And he smiled and snuggled down into the covers.

Jesus. God.

5)The husband? Gas problem last night.


So this morning? I was in no mood for, well, anything and he very sweetly said "Good morning" to me and I darn near took his head off.

And he had no idea why.

I finally had to say, "You know, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad because I'M TIRED".

But it's really not his fault, right? What you do in your sleep is involuntary and I really should not be so mean to him. As I was leaving this morning he said, "I love you" and he sounded so forlorn and sad.


But tonight? If he starts the snoring again? He and his beard brush are going on the couch. For reals. There is only so much a girl can take.

25 comments:

KrustyLynn said...

Hilarious! Kicking the beard brush and it's bff to the curbside! hahaha! A girl DOES have to sleep!

Thalassa said...

my sister swears that marital bliss is only achieved when you go to bed with TWO sets of covers. one each. that way, the burrito-sleepers and their companions (maybe you're like a flauta on the side?) can all stay warm and happy. it doesn't fix the snoring or the head/pillow conflation, but it certainly is good for keeping you covered. :)

CPA Mom said...

On a serious note - if he snores at all, he has an obstruction issue. And with loud snoring, and his weight, he probably has sleep apnea. For reals - he looks a lot like my late husband in size and let me tell you, we had separate BEDROOMS, his snoring was so bad. He got treated for sleep apnea, we were able to have the same bedroom again.

kristi said...

I got woken up at midnight by my crazy ass mother. UGH.

Karin's Korner said...

My husband...exactly the same. I have to wake him up a couple of times during the night to tell him to turn over. Then I have to try and get to sleep before he starts again. Sometimes I end up in the spare bedroom.

He feels bad for keeping me awake (cause that is the good guy that he is) but that does NOT the snoring.

Good Luck my friend!

queenrandom said...

OMG that is hilarious.

Are we seriously married to the same man? Except, you know, a bajillion miles apart, different hair, eyes, and age?

The only change I could make on your post in reference to the night before last? My husband doesn't sleep talk...he sleep plays sports. So I'll be sleeping and get kicked in the shin ("I dreamt I played soccer last night" or elbowed in the face ("Well he was going to tackle me!").

queenrandom said...

Oh and we call the burrito thing "tornadoing" because he rolls and spins like a tornado, twisting the sheets up around him in an untangleable mess.

Lily's Mommy said...

I haven't slept with my husband in years. He's snores so... loudly isn't even really the word. It shakes the bed. I'm sure he has sleep apnea but he refuses to get checked. Men.

Neurotic Grad Student said...

I'm a restless sleeper. I have been known to hit/punch/kick my dear husband in his sleep. He loves me anyway!!

No. You can't be held responsible for that crap. But you can maybe mention that it might be a medical problem and tactfully suggest he ask a doctor about it...

giants fan said...

hold the beard brush hostage. tell him if does any crap tonight-- the brush gets it!

mean stepmom said...

When my husband snores loudly, I hold his nose until he wakes up. He hasn't suffocated yet, and it definitely stops the snoring. I'm an ass too. :)

Kimberly said...

Neil snores like that...when he's sick. Which means I can't kick him out, I've got to get up and brave the shiveringly cold living room couch.

The injustice. Gah.

Sleep sweet t'night.

White Picket Fences said...

Umm...just because I work in neurology/sleep medicine ..I've gotta say. Your husband? Needs a sleep study. A polysomnogram with video to be exact. I'd bet a fair deal that he has sleep apnea and possibly REM behavior disorder ..things that make him 10 times more at risk than the general population to have hypertension, bad cholesterol, diabetes, heart attacks, and stroke. Get him checked out. The doctor said so. :)

Jessica said...

OH MY GOD! I am laughing so hard over here. And I know your tired and you would prefer I didn't laugh because you went through hell last night, but that was great.

Angie said...

I am making Mark read this. He may or may not comment. I'll leave that to him! :)

I just flat out love you!!!

Teena in Toronto said...

My husband AND dog snore!!

imadramamama said...

Oh my goodness...Sunbelt Loans...LOL!

Unfortunately, I am usually the ones doing the talking at night. And the snoring.

Whatever.

Stephanette said...

Okay, so Cajun Man yells in his sleep at me. It took several weeks of marriage (and nightly yelling) to accept the fact that he really has no idea what he is doing and he really doesn't think I'm a nag.

I'm sorry....I feel for you. Really i do.

Jocelyn said...

I like that he's the one heading to the couch. That's what we ladies call "empowerment."

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

As I read your post, my husband is in the chair next to me, snoring his fool head off.

And that is why I wear earplugs to bed. The man has a CPAP and refuses to wear it. (sigh)

I've told him if he keeps it up, we're not going to bother with separate beds...or even bedrooms. We're going straight to separate houses. He can petition for conjugal visits, provided he accepts the clause that states he may not sleep over afterward. Because I? Need all the beauty sleep i can get.

Rachel said...

That's too funny! Chris snores too, but usually I don't hear him. I keep a fan on my nightstand for white noise. He does, however, talk in his sleep. Sometimes I can understand him and others, I can't. He will also laugh his ass off in his sleep.

Clearly he is dreaming about something really funny that I said.

EE said...

My husband snores, too. Most of the time we sleep apart. It works for us:)

elle said...

Didn't you hear? The newest craze in new home building is 2 master suites. Seems like a great idea to me. We struggle with the same thing. Now I 1)sleep in a mummy sack every night and love it and 2)feel no compunction about kicking his snoring ass out of bed whenever he gets going.

SJ said...

I shook my head in agreement to #1, then to #2. And then #3.

Seriously, are we married to the same guy? Are they brothers?

I'm sorry girl but I had to laugh at this .... I totally feel your pain!

PaintedPromise said...

i too must admit to laughing my ass off... and being amazed at how many of you are married to MY HUSBAND!

seriously Steph do try to get Jason to do a sleep test. Randy just did one recently and wow was he bad... my mom's friend recently lost her 35-year-old son - to sleep apnea!! scary... and Randy's machine has made it possible for me to feel human during the day again. he has literally only snored ONCE since he got it! of course you have to listen to the machine... but that's another blog :)