Monday, February 23, 2009

Neither here nor there.

I feel like a failure.

There, I said it.

For the past...year or so I've felt like I haven't been able to keep it together. Not even close. Yes, I've gotten up in the morning and went to work. Even when I felt like I wanted to crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep and sleep...I've managed to get up and go. I maintain as positive and cheerful of an attitude as humanly possible. I've kept my house clean and I've made sure my children and husband and puppy had food to eat. I even wrote a freaking book and got it published.

Still. I feel like a complete and total failure.

I've hurt people that I love. People I never meant to hurt. I feel like a huge buttface. A jerk. A boil on the anus of society.

People in my own family don't like my book. Don't think it's funny. Don't really get me at all. Some of my friends don't like it either. Think it's not funny. Think it's sad.

Think that my life is sad.

And that's okay. I expected that. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm not even my own cup of tea all the time. I can't even stand myself.

But it still sucks.

So what do you do when you recognize that you suck and you don't know any other way to be? Where do you go from that?

I don't know.

I'm closing comments. I don't need them. I just wanted to get this out.