One of the (few) things I pride myself on is my work ethic.
I've had a job since I was sixteen, except for a brief period of time when I was pregnant with twins and on bedrest and about dead and stuff. I work hard at what I do and I attempt to maintain a good attitude even in time of, um, adversity.
Lately? My life has been an exercise in adversity.
I won't get into all of it. Let me just say that some parts of my life have both sucked and blown goats for the past month. My eyes are open, I've seen the light, insert your own generic cliche. I've, God help me, grown up. A ton. I didn't really want to grow up, frankly. I just wanted to trip through the rest of my life blindly. You know, like I've been doing for the past thirty-three years.
It wasn't meant to be.
In all my growing up and getting called everything from a creative genius to a pitiful excuse for a human being, I've had to re-think a lot of things. Friendships. Time management. The Grand Plan for the Rest of My Life.
Not surprisingly, I've spent a lot of time in prayer lately. A lot.
And it's good, you know? I've always thought that God loves me best, just based on the kids I have, and I've always prayed like I was having a conversation with Him. I usually pray first thing in the morning, before I leave my house for work. And my prayers seriously go something like this:
Please Lord. Keep my children safe today. Keep my husband safe today. Please let no one run my butt over on the way to work. Keep our families safe today. Let me get through the day and not want to maim anyone. Let it be a good day, Lord.
There are other things too. But that's the basic premise.
I'm getting stagnant in a lot of areas of my life, and I know it. I can feel it. It builds up from time to time and I get this feeling...almost a painful feeling of needing to do something more. Something different. Something better. To BE better.
I've been feeling this for a while. It, not surprisingly, is kind of making the Grand Plan for the Rest of My Life, a bit muddy. As in, what am I going to do With The Rest of My Life? And how can I figure out what, exactly, My Life needs to consist of. Where am I supposed to be living? Why does The Plan keep changing? That even though being a writer is where my heart is, I still have to do things like eat and have lights on, so I can't just write. I still have to do other things. I can work toward being a writer full-time, but I can't just BE a writer full-time.
Complicated stuff. Not fun to think about at 3am.
I had a meeting, not long ago, with the President of my company. When I came in he told me he had read my book and I said, jokingly, "Am I fired?" Because good Lord. Have you read it? I'm just not right. People who act appropriately aren't quite sure what to do with me.
But no. I'm not fired.
In fact, he wants me to be able to utilize my skills and talents in different ways.
As in, he wants me to be the company blogger.
It's not my full-time job. Not yet.
Sometimes? I just need to follow the plan. Stop all the worrying. Just listen.