Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The past.

I've had a low-grade anger lately, toward Jason.

I hate when I'm angry at him...hate that he's not actually perfect and he's human and does stupid things something. I hate, especially, that I don't just get over it as easily as I should. I hate my frustration.

I got upset with him not long ago about, of all things, the washing machine. I swear, when I become independently wealthy my first purchase is going to be my OWN WASHER AND DRYER that I do not have to share with anyone. If I leave the machine unoccupied for longer than thirty seconds he's putting something to wash in.

I know, I know. What a life, right? If that's the worst of my problems, I guess I'm pretty lucky because God knows most husbands I know don't even do any laundry.

As I was laying next to Jason last night, listening to him snore, it occurred to me that I'm mad at him because I'm writing a book.

Well, not exactly because I'm writing it. But because of what it is, what it says, and what was going on in the time period I am writing about. Which was markedly unfunny and sad and painful and a million other things that I don't really feel like talking about.

I am mad at him about a book.

I know this is not logical. I know all of this was a long time ago. I know that none of this is now and that things are so good now that I can't help but pinch myself sometimes and wonder how I got so lucky.

But I can't forget all the rest.

I wish I could.

10 comments:

Patience said...

Writing this book is giving you an outlet for this stuff. It will allow you to get rid of it all inside of you!

You understand why you're angry at him, so it will all be okay!

kristi said...

Okay, now I am wondering, what did he do to piss you off so bad?

KrustyLynn said...

I'm sorry. It's too bad you have to delve into the past. that stinks!

I am Trish Marie said...

You never really forget. But hopefully writing all of it, getting it out, will help you get beyond it.

And you know, just sometimes, things like their laundry habits or the way they crunch chips every night right by your damn ear while you are trying to watch TV (okay that one is mine!) just gets to you!!

Nom de Guerre said...

You know, it's amazing how suddenly the "cute" (and not so cute) stuff becomes so &$#*ing irritating, isn't it?

On another note, I feel crappy that I just now finished your book. I was moving. And divorcing. And stuff. It was awesome and fun and all sorts of yay. I'm mailing it to my mom this week so she can partake in the awesomeness too. Thanks for writing it =)

CPA Mom said...

Let me tell you - with me and my husband - if I had to remember all we went through in the early years, I'm not sure our marriage would survive. I've had to put a lot out of my mind and forget it.

You are incredibly brave to remember, write about and reflect on the not so great past. My hat is off to you.

Low grade anger...is understandable.

SJ said...

Maybe look at how writing this book is therapy for you? You'll never forget the bad, but in the end I bet you'll treasure the good that you have now.

It's painful for you - being angry is understandable.

Supes said...

Dood? If you weren't able to re-live it and feel it? You couldn't write it.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Ditto CPA Mom exactly. I try not to think about our first two years of marriage at all!

mythoughtsonthat said...

I know about this low-grade anger. The only way I could stay with my husband is to focus on the present and the positive but....sometimes it is hard. Peace to you.