Monday, June 22, 2009

Less fat.

Today, when I stepped on the scale, the number was lower than it's been in at least five years. More than five years, I'm sure, but I don't remember my weight the way other women do. I'm always surprised when people say, "Oh, I weighed X in college" or whatever because my weight has always changed SO MUCH that I would never be able to remember. It's insane.

But I know how much I weighed when I moved to Tennessee in September, 2004. And that number was BIG and LARGE. And the number on the scale today was 67.2 pounds less.

That's a lot.

I exercise nearly every day now. I eat healthfully, for the most part. On Saturday when I took Jason out for a nice Father's Day lunch and had crab cakes? My body totally rebelled against me. I was thoroughly and violently ill. I've gotten used to not eating fried foods.

I can run now. Not for a long period of time, but I guarantee that I couldn't run at all in 2004. Someday I have dreams that I will run a marathon. So far, it's just dreams. But in 2004, I couldn't have even dreamed that.

All of that is well and good. I'm losing weight. I'm getting healthy. Life is beautiful.

Of course, there is one big problem.


I'm still fat.


Losing 67.2 pounds has not been enough. It's not even close.


I meet new people and I desperately want to explain my fatness. I want to assure them I'm aware of it. I know about it even if they don't say anything. It's not a secret. I'm working on it. I used to be even fatter. I want to tell them all this.

I want to get a t-shirt from my gym. They have pink ones and I love them. I love all manner of pink things and those shirts are major cute. But I don't want to wear a shirt from my gym because I don't want to be one of those people wearing a gym shirt that other people look at and go, "Bitch, please. You aren't fooling anyone."

But I go. That's the bad part. I really, actually go. I work really hard. I leave and I'm all sweaty.

And I'm still fat.


I don't eat the potato chips. I don't eat the french fries. I broke up with my long-term girlfriend Little Debbie.


I'm still fat.



My rings slide around my finger now. I can spin my wedding ring around and round. My pants come off without unbuttoning or unzipping. I catch sight of myself in the mirror sometimes and think, "Is that my face?" I lose weight in my face before, say, my ass. I notice. I can tell.

My husband notices. He makes mention of my body, often. I get admiring glances from this lovely man who adored me when I weighed 67.2 pounds more than I do today. Who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out and no matter what the scale says.


But I'm still fat.


It's weird. It's disconcerting. It's like everyone is in on it except for my body (and, possibly, my pants). It hasn't quite caught up. It doesn't yet realize that I'm trying not be fat. It doesn't get that when a normal person exercises five times a week, they don't have thighs that rub together. Or mammaw flaps under their arms. Or the ability to tuck their boobs into their belt.


I'm still fat.
Less fat.
But still fat.



It sucks.

27 comments:

TangledEutopia said...

I won this blog makeover not to long ago. The girl asked me to send her a picture of my family that I wanted for part of the header. Along with the picture I asked her if she could photoshop me out. She wrote back and said it would be kinda hard since I'M HOLDING A FREAKIN' KID IN MY LAP....the nerve of some people... When I talk about how much weight I've gained from having a baby, it always sounds like a good excuse unless they ask me how old he is. And even if they don't say it, I automatically feel like they are saying to themselves, (them..130lb..selves)"If she were gonna lose it, she woulda lost it by now." hhhmmm, the nerve of some people....

**If you're reading this, don't you dare go to my blog to see how old my kid is**

Chelle said...

Bitch, please (and I mean that as lovingly as possible). You're doing an AWESOME job. 67.2 (because those .2's are important!!) lbs is a great accomplishment! You're beautiful, dedicated & just a wonderful, hard-working person. Never forget that...

judy in ky said...

You are going in the right direction and doing all the right things (that I wish I could get myself to do). Keep going... you have become my inspiration!

Bexterrific said...

Get out of my brain, lady.

We are the same person. For reals.

My count is 47.3 lbs. I'm down to my pre-baby weight (actually 7.3 lbs past it)...and, although I'm proud of how far I've come, I've still got a crapton left to lose.

But I'm proud of me. I'm proud of you. We're in this together! :)

Patience said...

Sixty-Seven-Point-Two!!!!

That is truly awesome!!!

Congratulations!!

We all love you!!!!

Jessica said...

I feel the same way. When I lose weight I am always shocked at the fact that I am almost offended when people say I look good or comment that I have lost weight....

I don't know why it bothers me so much, like they shouldn't notice.

But I HATE it. I hate people who notice I am losing weight. I guess because that means they noticed that I needed to lose weight.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Oh honey. ((HUGS)) I'm so proud of you for the 67.2 - that's amazing! I wish things felt better for you. Body image is a tough hateful bitch.
:o(

BarbJ said...

I think 67.2 lbs is an AMAZING weight loss and I am really REALLY proud of you! Just keep it up, you fabulous shrinking woman!

M said...

I know how hard you work. I'm so impressed and envious of your drive and follow through. You've lost a LOT of weight. And your heart? Is SO much healthier than it was before. And the good part? You're not one of those "she's got such a pretty face she'd be pretty if she lost weight" kinda girls you ARE pretty even without losing the weight. Which is irrelevant but noteworthy.

I hate that you can't just look at that number and fucking shriek with glee and applaud yourself for all the work you do and the health factor. I understand why not but know the rest of the world isn't nearly as hard on you as you are.

Also? I have always had chunky flappy arms. Even when I was 19 years old and 120 pounds of starvation. Which is probably why I kept puking and starving. Those fucking arms (though I look back now and wonder wtf I was talking about!)

Enough of a novel here. Love you.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Your fat doesn't matter to other people as much as it does to you. They're not thinking about your weight... and if they are then they're not worth your time.

And congratulations... You're doing so well! Now I need to get back to the gym. I'm going to make you my inspiration.

mythoughtsonthat said...

That weight loss is huge, even if you still have more to go. You should be more than proud of yourself- that is a whole lot of hard work. It does suck, but don't give up.

Peace.

I am Trish Marie said...

You should be very proud of yourself! Really, really proud. It wasn't long ago when you never would have imagined yourself at this point, so just think what it could be like a year from now.

mean stepmom said...

Girl, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are doing Fan-freakin-tastic! 67 lbs! Wow. Just imagine where you will be one year from today?! Keep it up!

Anne-Kathrine said...

Wooohoooo 67.2 lbs is great!!! You are going in the right direction and that is what is important! You are beautiful no matter what weight you are and Im so proud of you to keep it up. I really need to get my fat ass in motion or I'll never loose the 133 lbs I need to loose.

Hugs to you!

Kimberly said...

I so get this. The number of times I've worked into a conversation - 40 pounds down, only 60 to go!

Sigh.

I gave up working on it for a couple years, because I'd already worked so hard and it hadn't been enough, and I hated that. Less fat but still fat indeed. It's finally hitting me how much better my life could be NOW if I hadn't given up THEN. If I'd kept trying, and maybe even stepped things up a bit. Right now, I'm slipping. Back into breathless after climbing a flight of stairs mode. I hate it. So don't give up, okay? You're amazing.

Amy W said...

You should be very, very proud of all the weight you have lost!!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Don't you dare explain yourself to others who don't know the accomplishment you've attained. You shouldn't have to explain yourself. And get that gym shirt. And wear it with pride.

Because I'm so friggin' proud of you right now that I could just pee. :)

Allie said...

You're doing awesome, just remember, it takes time. One day you're going to wake up and be like, "Hey, I'm skinny, when did that happen?" It's such a gradual process, just keep up the great work and you'll be there soon.

67 pounds is a lot of weight, a lot to be proud of so don't belittle your accomplishment, you are awesome!!!!

Crazy Lady said...

You rock, you know that, right? 67.2 lbs = one rather tall seven-year-old girl plus 4 lbs. Really. And she's a meaty thing. Solid that child.

Forget the rest of the world. I'm with you. I've lost about 35 lbs and have another 50 to go. And even then, I'll still be 'fat' by all the rules and charts. But yanno, I don't care. :)

Keep up the amazing work.

imadramamama said...

Dude! 67.2 pounds is freakin' amazing! Keep up the good work! Your body IS getting the message, it's just being a pain in the ass. You show that body who's boss...

Wondering Woman said...

Still, even if you're fat, you're not as fat as you were and getting rid of 67 pounds is a VERY impressive achievement. Losing weight is so hard that most people just give up. Be proud of yourself for sticking with it, plus you know you'll get the rest off, you're that kind of chick.

Bethany said...

I know how you feel. I'm down 50 but I'm still fat. It can be discouraging sometimes. That said, let me say 2 things- 67.2 pounds is AWESOME!!!! And- go get that shirt!!! You deserve it!

CPA Mom said...

I've not lost any weight in a long time for this very reason. When I was starving and working out and not getting any sleep for the last year and 1/2, I was STILL FAT. No matter how much I lost, I am STILL FAT so mostly, I've thrown in the towel. Why work so hard when I'm still FAT and always will be? My sister is the skinny one, I'm the fat one and she laughs at me every single day.

Darci said...

totally gave up on Fat talk for this very reason. Numbers were too big to think about - I have 70 pounds to lose - until I was gifted a Wii Fit. I can set small goals and not even look at the big number. Working so far!

And now for the WW trick. Go to the market and carry around 67 pounds of potatoes or sugar. That is what you were lugging around each day.

b*schus said...

This made me so sad I just had to comment. I am so proud of you, and I don't even know you (outside your blog)! It takes SO much self-motivation and strength to do what you're doing on a daily basis. So many people who see themselves as overweight (my mother among them), just give up and resign themselves to being unhealthy. I still hold out hope for her and her health and see you as a fantastic example of what she could be: healthy! That's really the most important thing you can do for your family, and I hope you can have some feeling of success because of that. Keep up the healthy living!

Anonymous said...

Is it weird if I say I love you? I too go to the gym and sweat and turn red. I'm not one of those twits who can run a mile and not have to shower and wash my hair. I SWEAT! Don't glow. No dew. No perspiration. I SWEAT. I'm still overweight, but I convince myself that I'm not doing this for looks-it's for my health. Yeah right. I want hip bones and cheek bones and rib bones.
Keep on blogging please.
Reb

Victoria Dehlbom said...

That is so awesome!!! I have lost weight and regained weight and lost weight again. The one thing I do know is that I still think I look fat even though my clothes and the mirror and people tell me otherwise. It is a difficult feeling to overcome and when you are in the middle of losing the weight you want to shout, "Do you want to know how fat I used to be? Because if you keep looking at me like I'm fat and you can't believe it then I'm gonna wish all that fat I lost would find you...then you'll know what fat is!" Yes, I realize sweet southern ladies should not talk like that, but some people so deserve it. You go girl...Keep up the good work!