This week? Has been difficult.
Good, in a lot of ways. Trying in many others.
I might, maybe, have said to my husband, "You know? I don't feel so bad about my infertility now."
Spending a week with eight 4 year-old's does that to a person. Maybe. If I even said that. Which cannot be confirmed at this time.
Last night, though? I'm not sure what I was feeling when I got to the church. It was a really odd mixture of tiredness, sadness, and...something else. I don't know.
Okay, that's not fair. I kind of do know.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Because I felt like it doesn't matter what I do, I still don't fit in there.
I've been having that feeling in life lately. All my friends are having babies. Or have toddlers. And God bless them, really. I'm happy for them. But I feel like we're moving farther apart. I don't know anyone who has two tweens. Who have a step-dad and all the complicated dynamics that are coming along with it (and that, mercifully, we are just starting to have to deal with). Who have twelve jobs and a big ass, like me. I feel awfully alone sometimes. Part of that is my fault, I know. Probably a large part of it. But part of it is just life.
I lamented to my mom on the phone about this and she said, "Stephanie. You make your joyful noise. Don't worry about the rest."
It's good advice. I know she's right.
Still. I sometimes feel like I make no effect at all. Like I might as well be invisible. And I wonder why I even bother or try. It's exhausting to bother or try. And I don't do "exhausted" very well.
Last night was family night so I sat at my table with Boy and Girl Child. As people came by I said, "You all can sit here!" but they kept on going. I? Was feeling pretty pathetic. And sad. Mostly sad.
I felt a little tap on my shoulder and I turned to see one of the little boys who had been in my class this week. He? Had been challenging. Bless his heart.
He smiled at me and said, "Thank you for being my teacher!"
I hugged him.
A few minutes later, a little girl in my class came to me and handed me this:
I hugged her too.
As I cleaned up my little classroom I thought about all the places I've been and all the places I still want to be. How I don't know, really, if I did anything to help these children this week or to make anyone give two craps about me at the church or if I'll ever really fit in, even with my own friends and family. I realized that it's not all about me and how I feel. It never was and it never will be. And that my heart? It's in the right place. Even if it takes a while for the rest of me to catch-up.
I'll find my place.
Somehow, I'll find it.