It's like I have two different lives.
At church, no one knows about me. They don't know I write books. They don't know what I do for a living. A lot of them call me things like, "Michelle" or "Jennifer" (I suppose they have a similar number of letters as Stephanie). Everyone knows Jason's name. I am Jason's wife. They know that. That might be all they know. Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. It's easier to just blend in there. It's easier to let him be the important one.
At work we don't talk much about my book or any other writing I do. It's fine with me...I don't really like to talk about it. I get uncomfortable when people bring it up. The ladies in my group all know and are all supportive. Outside our little room? I don't want to talk about it. I'm surprised when people know.
When I write I am my most true self, I suppose. It's funny...someone said to me that they thought my book was dirty because of all the curse words in it. My good friend Missy said, "It sounds like you, but you curse way more in real life!" I can't win for losing, I suppose. And that? Just makes me laugh anyway.
Being a mom is my true self too. I don't know how good I am at it, but it's usually not hard for me. Usually it's more fun than it is hard, and that's how I gauge things.
I know I'm not respected as a mom. I get that. It's been so long since I've had a baby. I don't know all the new stuff. I don't understand things like breast-feeding and epidurals and home births and stuff. I have things to offer, but none of them matter right now. And it's okay, but it does make me cry sometimes (like yesterday morning. In front of the Kroger. So I've become *that* lady) because eventually? I could probably be worth something. But right now I'm not.
All these things get all mixed up. I get all mixed up.
I guess all of these things are me. I don't know. I've been divided for so long, I don't know how to put myself back together. Or something.