Sunday, July 05, 2009

Confused.

It's like I have two different lives.

At church, no one knows about me. They don't know I write books. They don't know what I do for a living. A lot of them call me things like, "Michelle" or "Jennifer" (I suppose they have a similar number of letters as Stephanie). Everyone knows Jason's name. I am Jason's wife. They know that. That might be all they know. Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. It's easier to just blend in there. It's easier to let him be the important one.

At work we don't talk much about my book or any other writing I do. It's fine with me...I don't really like to talk about it. I get uncomfortable when people bring it up. The ladies in my group all know and are all supportive. Outside our little room? I don't want to talk about it. I'm surprised when people know.

When I write I am my most true self, I suppose. It's funny...someone said to me that they thought my book was dirty because of all the curse words in it. My good friend Missy said, "It sounds like you, but you curse way more in real life!" I can't win for losing, I suppose. And that? Just makes me laugh anyway.

Being a mom is my true self too. I don't know how good I am at it, but it's usually not hard for me. Usually it's more fun than it is hard, and that's how I gauge things.

I know I'm not respected as a mom. I get that. It's been so long since I've had a baby. I don't know all the new stuff. I don't understand things like breast-feeding and epidurals and home births and stuff. I have things to offer, but none of them matter right now. And it's okay, but it does make me cry sometimes (like yesterday morning. In front of the Kroger. So I've become *that* lady) because eventually? I could probably be worth something. But right now I'm not.

All these things get all mixed up. I get all mixed up.


I guess all of these things are me. I don't know. I've been divided for so long, I don't know how to put myself back together. Or something.

12 comments:

Allie said...

I respect every mother, you might not be up to date on all the new infant stuff but you are up to date on all the tween stuff and for that I totally respect you. You are the kind of person that I would ask if I had a problem with my 12 year old, I don't actually have a 12 year old hence, me never asking you. You are a mother, a respected mother, no matter how old your kids are or how many you have.

mythoughtsonthat said...

But a mother who had TWO babies at once should ALWAYS be repected, no matter how old her kids are now. Two babies at once is an experience not everyone has had. And you lived to tell the tale! Peace.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Well... I respect you as a mom. So there's that.

jill said...

if we weren't complicated, we'd be sO boring, now wouldnt we? I dont think you have to know or experience everything to be a good mom. I never fed my baby formula so I dont really know anything about it, but i dont think that precludes me from good mom status. the fact that she hit her head face first on the tile floor at mom's the other day, SUCH makes me a bad mommy. But I did comfort her and kiss her boo boo and she calmed down, and didnt even appear to get a bruise, so, maybe that makes it all even?

CPA Mom said...

Oh honey, why did you cry in front of Kroger? You help me so much every day. You offer me your wisdom for marriage and for discipline and just everything. I always think of you when I need a shoulder to lean on and yes, I tell myself every day now REMEMBER what Stephanie said to do...

Anne-Kathrine said...

Ditto to everything everyone before me said!

Being a mom is a big job and you aren't too busy to be there for them or expect your eldest to take care of the younger ones. You are a great mom and a great person!

thesmallmoments said...

Being a mom to twins commands its own respect! You give me hope on my worst days. My twins are 10 months old and we are in the midst of teething and learning to walk. Some day are HORRIBLE! But then I read your blog and are reminded that you made it and that you have two amazing and beautiful children. And you did their early years as a single mom. Then I suck it up and quit whining and feeling bad and go hug my babies. Because one day we won't be teething anymore and that?...Will be a good thing!

Kimberly said...

I think we're all like this, really. A big mish-mash of different focuses, purposes, and roles. Sometimes our lives get so narrowed in on one that we forget about the others, and then when they surface, it's bloody confusing. It's part of the human condition though. Some people are blessed/cursed with the self-awareness to perceive it more, is all. That's my guess anyway, because I've felt this way too.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

You're one of my mom role models!

Anonymous said...

Being a mom to twins commands its own respect! I hope you know I love reading about you and your life! Thank you for making my day more complete.

Twisted Cinderella said...

I think that the fact that you have fun while being a mom is something that is really important.

SJ said...

Now why in the world would you think you are not respected as a Mom? I totally disagree, and I bet a lot of others do too.

You are worth more than you think!