Sunday, July 26, 2009

You my brown-eyed girl.

If you know anything about me at all you know that I love my kids. More than that, I'm grateful for my kids. I honestly don't know who or where I would be today if not for that little boy and that little girl.

That being said, I make no secret that I do not understand the girl one. At all.

I mean, I love her. I love her. I cannot imagine a world without her in it because she's so freaking awesome.

But I don't get her.

I get the boy one. He? Makes sense to me. Probably? Because we're both huge freaks. But I understand freak. I love how much of a dork he is and I especially love how he knows how much of a dork he is and that he totally doesn't care. I understand his sense of humor. I understand how hilarious he is and the way his mind works. I understand who he is as a person.

The girl? Is still a mystery.

I mean, certain things about her I totally get. Right now, open on her bed, is Mary Anne Saves the Day. I read that book when I was about her age. She reads everything she can get her hands on. I so get that. She loves animals (even the cats that cause her to break out in a horrible rash). She's nice to short people. She's sensitive.

I get all that.

But I don't get her.

I want to get her. I want for the two of us to be bff someday. When she's a grown-up and we can have that kind of relationship. I want her to feel like she can ask her mom anything. Confide in me. Ask for my assistance with her own babies.

I don't know that she does.

I don't know that she doesn't, necessarily. But I don't know that she does.

She's getting to be that age. That age that scares me. That age that gives me heartburn. She's emotional...sobbing at the drop of a hat. Moody. Questioning.

All of that is normal and fine and I expect every bit of it. She's really a good kid, despite the moodiness. I know how lucky I am.

But I want to understand her. I want to do better with her.

This morning we were sitting in church. Jason was on one side of me and my little girl was on the other. We all closed our eyes to pray and my immediate thought was:

God, please open my heart so I can hear what you want me to hear. And God, please let me do well with Girl Child. I know how much she needs me now. I don't want to screw her up.

We opened our eyes and my little girl lay her head on my arm. Spontaneously.

The choir sang and I leaned over to her and whispered, "I love you so much."

She needed to hear it. I needed to say it.



I want to get this right.

She deserves it.

18 comments:

Angie said...

*sob*

Tamsyn said...

I don't have a daughter so take this with a grain of salt - but I think that at the age she's entering, a huge part of defining yourself as a woman is against your mom. You assess your mother quite critically in many ways, and you pull away a bit from that childhood closeness where you're the baby and she's the mommy in order to establish a new balance, a new relationship. This is a lot more painful for some daughter-and-mother pairs than others, admittedly - I hope that you guys can get through it easily!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

((HUGS)) she's an amazing little lady.

mean stepmom said...

You're an amazing mom.

Chelle said...

This has me in tears. She is so lucky to have you for a mom - she will understand that one day, if she doesn't already.

Jenski said...

Awww...Because you care, you are a good Mom. May not feel like it when she is screaming and crying, but that's just the hormones talking. You have a wonderful family.

Stephanette said...

My Mom and I didn't get each other at that age. My dad kind of got me. Now, Mom and I talk everyday multiple times a day.

She'll get there. You'll get there. I promise.

Patience said...

You're the best, mom!!

Mark's Ephemera said...

She's emotional...sobbing at the drop of a hat. Moody. Questioning.

Sounds just like you. Just less wanting to stab people and Dbaggery.

It had to be said.

Nicole said...

The middle school years are really tough on mother-daughter relations. I remember during this time, my mom and I were at each other's throats. And looking back, I'm pretty sure she didn't get me.

But we got through it. We're great friends now. And I even think she's finally starting to get me.

I think my mother is amazing and did a wonderful job with us, and I have no doubt one day Girl Child will say the exact same thing about you.

Kimberly said...

You're already getting much of it right, just by loving her so darn much.

Toni said...

I normally jyst lurk but I had to post a comment on this one. I'm pretty sure...actually I know...my mom didn't understand me when I was your daughter's age. Cut yourself some slack. Keep loving her the way you do and letting her know you are there for her. even if she doesn't act like it, she is listening to you!

Awww...now I'm crying.

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

I have 3 daughters ages 12, 12, and 14. It is so hard sometimes!

My 7 year old son is a piece of cake.

Queen of Halloween said...

My grand daughter [12] gets moody before Aunt Flo arrives and causes the same problems you've mentioned...just maybe it's almost time. Like it or not...;)
Great blog...

Heather said...

WOW! I think you are an amazing mom AND I think the fact that you are aware that you need to understand her is a positive. I am going through the same thing right now with our oldest. I understood everything you wrote here and wanted to shout AMEN! Keep trying and keep letting her know how much you love her.

Anonymous said...

You are the most amazing woman I know. I wish I could tell you that to your face.

cuteellaisbold said...

My mom and I went through the same thing...turns out it was because we were more alike than we knew. She had to learn to let me figure it out on my own, I had to learn that it was ok.

We're really close now and I can't wait for one day to ask her for help with my babies. Some day.

Hang in there. You're a wonderful mother. :)

PaintedPromise said...

i went through a time when my mother was ENEMY #1. and i went through it with all 3 of my daughters. thankfully it doesn't last! doesn't sound like you are there {yet} but if/when you get there, take heart! it does NOT last!!!