Friday, August 14, 2009

Listen up kids, there's a lesson here.

Apparently? I've been laboring under a misconception.

I didn't know this, but apparently girls? Are only allowed to blog about certain things:
1) Kids
2) Weight
3) Husbands
4) Jesus

Otherwise? People don't want to hear it. Not only do people not want to hear it? They get really, really angry about it.

I'm a fan of my kids, not a fan of my weight, generally a fan of my husband, and totally bff's with Jesus (largely because he loves me best and doesn't care that I say douchebag a lot).

It's not all I am.

Those things, in fact, are only a very small part of me. And people get all pissed when I say that because I SHOULD care more about my kids and my husband and Jesus! (And maybe my weight, if you want to get all technical about it.)

(Oh and I say pissed all the time in real life. So there.)

I do care...I care a lot. I care more than I could ever express in words. I just choose not to completely define myself in one of those small boxes.

And I'm really tired of people telling me I shouldn't.

I was thinking the other day about this blog and a lot of other crap that I really don't want to think about at 2am when I can't sleep and the question that kept coming into my mind was

Who are you writing for?

I started out, back in 2006, writing for myself. It was an exercise. A forced behavior. I would write every day and I would improve my writing and eventually I would publish a book.

Somewhere along the way? I forgot that. I started writing for other people and I started writing to make other people happy. My writing became very...careful. It still is.

I don't like it.

I'm tired of it.

To that end, here are some things you should know:

1) I have a filthy mouth. Seriously. Filthy. I clean it up when I absolutely have to. Otherwise? Sailors blush in my presence.
2) This one time? I fell off my porch? And my entire butt cheek got all bruised? And it was so amazing I took a picture of it? And then I opened up the picture on my dad's computer because I was visiting him and I was like, "Hey dad, come look at this!"? And my dad looked at it? And then I said, "Guess what that is? My butt!" and my dad was really horrified. You couldn't see any crack or anything, but still. That's probably just not right. Sorry dad.
3) I owe money. I hate owing money, but I do. In a few years, I won't (except for the stupid mortgage which I will probably have until I'm dead). But right now I do. It sucks but it's the truth.
4) I'm not always funny. I've said this about hinty billion times before but yet people are always surprised when I write something sad and/or serious. I'm not always funny. I'm just not. And I'm not going to try to be to make anyone else happy. Not anymore.
5) If you act like an assfaced whore? That's your business. If you act like an assfaced whore to me? I'm calling you out. I don't care if "that's just how you are". How you are? Sucks. Similarly, if I behave like an assfaced whore? I'll call myself out. I'm equal opportunity like that.
6) I sold out not long ago and don't feel even remotely bad about it. Hmm...let's see. Someone wants to give me cool free stuff and I get to write about it. And I shouldn't do this...why? Speaking of which...I have a really amazing giveaway going right now by Teak and Wicker and More who can service all your outdoor needs from patio furniture (which is gorgeous and you should check out)to solar lighting (which you can win! So go!).
7) My kids poop? It stinks. My husband's poop? Stinks worse. We aren't perfect and we don't pretend to be. My eyebrows are badly in need of grooming, I have to get gas in my car, and I make long, elaborate grocery lists which include not only the name and brand of product I want to purchase, but how much I want to spend on each item. I even calculate the tax because I am just that anal.
8) I use words like anal. On the internet.
9) I am tragically, painfully socially awkward. Painfully.
10) I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. All the time. But it's okay.

It's okay.

If you don't like it? It's still okay.


Danielle said...

What exactly is an assfaced whore anyway?

Danielle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elle said...

Good for you! I stand and applaud! And in a few years, you may look back and say "wish I hadn't said or done XXX", but you know what, we ALL do that and most of us aren't nearly brave enough to do/say it where everyone can see and hear. I, for one, think you're terrific! Even if you have the same issues as everyone else...

Anonymous said...

just knew you were human! ;-) keep on kepin' on girlie!

MadameQueen said...

My writing is too careful and I wish it weren't. But I do it out of fear -- fear of what people would think if they knew the truth. A LOT of my family read my blog and I'm a peacemaker at heart (it's the Libra in me, I can't help it! Everything needs to be balanced!) and I worry about stirring shit up.

I applaud you for your honesty and your bravery.

Lil Mouse said...

yup, peacemaker here, too. although sometimes i let it rip. today i beyatched about my credit card, should i say, past credit card company. they shit faced on me, so i dumped them.

Tarasview said...

well I think you are just fabulous.

so there.


CPA Mom said...


I love you, man. Smooches!

Kimberly said...

You know what I love? That we are so stinkin' different and I adore you anyway. Pretty sure that's what your BFF Jesus had in mind for humanity, we just tend to screw it up pretty regular like.

Way to be you, hun.

kristi said...

UGH........I love you. Have you read my blog lately?
My sister found mine and was all pissy about it when I wrote 3 posts in 8 months. Give me a fucking break!

kristi said...

Woops I meant 3 posts about her.

Mrs. CPA said...

You didn't say "bag of Dicks" in that whole thing. I think it needs some editing. Becuase people hwo try and tell you what to write can go...

Wait for it...

Waaaaaait for it...

Choke on a bag of Dicks.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Well hooray for that. I'd rather you were real rather than all forced n' shit. You know?

I think maybe you let the angry people get to you too much, though. Who cares what they think... be yourself. Who else are you gonna be?

NinjaMom said...

I love you. :) I censor myself a lot. I'm trying to find the guts to just be me. It's tough, apparently. :) Thanks for being a trailblazer.

SJ said...

Amen! "What she said!"

You rock sista.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I found you. But I liked that you had twins. Granted you have a boy and a girl and I have twin boys and my boys are like 11 years younger than your twins. But that doesn't matter. I liked that you had lived it and that helps me on those hard days when I know my boys are going to kill me and it will be a horrible HORRIBLE death. But I didn't stay around only because you have twins. I like what you have to say. I like that you are a normal person who has good days and bad days. We all have good days and bad days. You are real. And I like real. Thanks for writing! And you know, if people offered to give me free stuff I would totally take it! Twins are expensive!!! :)

Lara said...

I like that you say pissed and anal. Sometimes those are the only words that will suit. And even if they aren't, I like them.

When you start writing for someone else you are headed toward losing your own voice. Keep yours, it's pretty awesome.

Angie Head said...

you go girl!!!!!! I am so proud to know you!! You are who you have always been, and I am wonderfully proud that you have the guts to tell people exactly what you think!! You are a bright spot in my day. Reading your blog is exciting and fresh and most of all honest. Please continue to keep all of us laughing and crying with you. May God bless you for remaining so honest and down to earth.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I'm going to copy number 5, give it to my HOA VP and say, "You're an assface whore! Because Stephanie says so!"

And that will be all.

Chloé said...

Amen, sister, amen! You rock!

Robyn said...

I know use your phrase "Bag Of Dicks" whenever I can. Of course, the kids can't be around, but it's still fun! I think you are great and I'm glad you are not bowing down to those who say you should do this and this!

Twisted Cinderella said...

Good for you. I like that you don't allow yourself to be defined by other's expectations. You are who you are and you don't apologize for that. Good for you!

Toritopia said...

I love you just the way you are. I come to your blog not to just have a laugh, but to hear from a real woman. Real women are not funny all the time. We get sad, angry, frustrated and it's okay to write about that. It helps me feel better that I'm not the only one who feels those things.

Keep up what you are doing. Make yourself happy. That's the important thing.

Anonymous said...

Lord people have way to much time on their hands. You are who you are and I enjoy reading your blog. It has made me both laugh and cry.