Saturday, August 01, 2009

Warning: Whiny fat-centric and stupid post!

I am so. freaking. sick. of. myself.

I am sick of my body. I am sick of 4:45am. I am sick of counting Points for each and every thing that goes into my mouth and I am REALLY sick of capitalizing "Points" like that. For the love of God.

The thing is, I'm losing weight. I really am. I know it's working. The number on the scale is on a down slope. It's slower than Christmas, but it's still a down slope. Which is awesome and everything, but also FRUSTRATING AS HELL because I don't just wake up and have everything suddenly be okay. That's never happened, ever, but it doesn't mean I don't want it to.


Also? My body is changing. It doesn't just go all smoothly like it's supposed to. Things are...I don't know, shifting? Or something? It's weird and I don't much care for it.

It makes my pants go like this:



And yes. Jesus Christ. I just showed my pink underwear to God and everybody. I'm sorry. (Also, sorry to my dad, if he's reading this.) My only explanation is that this is the least sexy thing ON THE ENTIRE PLANET so surely nobody will get offended. I hope.

(Also, I have no clue why I'm wearing green pants and blue shirt. I need to do some laundry. And perhaps get a stylist.)

Besides, if you know me? This happens to me all the time. My boss knows what the vast majority of my underwear looks like. (Also, I'm sorry about that Donna. Sincerely.)

SO. The obvious answer is to buy some smaller pants. Right?

Which would work GREAT if I wasn't FREAKING TERRIFIED TO BUY SMALLER PANTS.

I don't understand why I have such a mental block when it comes to this. This is less about my abject hatred of shopping and spending money and more about my fear of being something different. Being someone different. That the minute that I accept this, that I say, "Okay, I don't have to be fat. I can be something else" that some magical switch in my mind or something will flip and BAM. The new pants will be small on me and I'll wonder what the Hell I was thinking.

Somehow it seems easier to just walk around with the fear that my pants will fall off in front of someone important.

I know this isn't logical. I know this is like the mental block that I had a few months ago when I decided there was absolutely no way I could run. I run all the time now. It might be extremely unattractive when I do it, but BY GOD I DO IT.

I don't know. God. Continued therapy and a belt maybe? I've got to get it together.



17 comments:

Toritopia said...

I hear ya. I hate buying new pants mostly because they feel like they are made for women that don't exist. I have hips and thighs and most pants don't flatter them (unless I want to spend a ridiculous amount on money on them - which I don't). I also agree with being tired of counting Points. But it does work, it's just sticking to it and realizing that it is not so much a diet as it is a lifestyle change. I'll never be able to eat whatever I want, when I want without being accountable for it or else I'll just gain the weight right back.

Angie said...

Bravo! Weight loss is hard as hell and you are succeeding! I hate counting points, too.

Scout's Honor said...

I wish I had your fortitude to keep plugging at it. I'm in a total self-hate phase where I don't like to let my husband or even myself see me in the mirror--God forbid naked. I feel bad because we are going on five year that I shy from pics. I worry if I die, my kids won't have any memories or pics of me...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but you are wrong. You are a beautiful sexy woman. Pink underwear and all. :P

mythoughtsonthat said...

Yay for the pants falling off!!

Peace to you....

talea said...

I hear ya on the not wanting to buy new pants. Cuz I always figure it's just a phase and tomorrow I'll wake up and the new pants won't fit and I'll be pissed and eat some ice cream. Damn you Ben AND Jerry.
Here's my two cents: You look like you've lost at least 2 sizes.....so why not buy one size smaller? Gives you wiggle room, but seriously reduces the chances of pantsfallingdownage.

And btw.......CONGRATS. Jeebus woman, take some take to pat yourself on the back!! You're doing amazing! :)

SJ said...

You know this already but weight loss is a journey, it's not going to happen overnight. Take pride in the progress you've made so far, you can see the difference, everyone else can see the difference so give yourself some credit! Embrace it! Love it! You are a beautiful woman inside and out, dont be so hard on yourself!

Danielle said...

I am currently wearing green pants & a blue/grey shirt... Hang in there!

Allie said...

You look great, just keep up the good work. I mean, yeah, your pants are waaaaay too big but I understand the whole being scared to buy smaller clothes. I ordered a skirt from Banana Republic the other day (online) and I was terrified. I've never been able to fit in their clothes and when I got it in the mail I opened it up and stared at it for about 30 minutes before I decided to actually try it on. You'd be surprised how great it feels though to zip up something in a smaller size, it might just be the boost you need to keep you going, that is if me telling you that you look awesome isn't enough for you. :)

elle said...

A good tailor can make those pants fit for a while longer....for less than the price of a new pair. That way you can wait even longer to have to commit to buying something.

mean stepmom said...

Seriously? You look wonderful!

How about buying just ONE pair of smaller pants? Then you can wear clothes that fit at least one day a week and slowly get used to how they make you feel...and the compliments you'll get.

herewegokids said...

Hahaha!!! For some reason I find this extremely funny: you being so irked that your pants are too big. You look freaking fantastic! I think you may want to look into less high-waisted pants AND unders, no? Benefits: they're engineered to fit in a slightly smaller size, and you get less gratuitous underwear showage. Just make sure your shirts are long enough.

EE said...

If you're not going to get pants that fit, at least get yourself some sexy undies! ;)
You look FANTASTIC!!!

Kathy said...

Just found your blog and can relate to this post so well that I had to comment.

Keep up the great work. It is hard, and like you and several other people I hate counting POINTS but I know how much better I feel when I am counting.

Keep counting, buy 1 pair of pants, go see a tailor, but whatever you do, don't give up.

Anne-Kathrine said...

Go you, you are looking awesome. Invest in some belts until you are ready to deal with smaller pants shopping!

Jenski said...

Yay for pants that are too big! I totally understand not wanting to go shopping. Everytime I lose a few pounds and my clothes are a little big, I end up eating a little more and then they fit again! It's cheaper that way. :-) I like Kathy's suggestion of going to a tailor - same pants, better fit.

Chelle said...

Wheee! Congrats on the loss & the too-big pants!