Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thinner.

I got on the scale this morning.

Technically, I'm not supposed to do this. I tend to get a little bit...addicted to the scale. Manic would be a good way to describe it. I might have, maybe, once or twice, shrieked things like "POINT TWO! THAT'S NOT WEIGHT! THAT'S TAKING A PEE!" But that can't be confirmed because I only get on the scale alone.

But anyway. The scale.

Today? Its little black number blinking back at me is lower than it's been since...well, since I can remember.

So low, in fact, that I stepped on the scale three times. To make sure I wasn't crazy.

I'm not thin. But I'm thinner than I used to be.

This should not surprise me. I exercise daily. I walk forty miles a week. Sometimes more. My eating is cleaner than it's ever been. I don't even care that I make bread and don't eat it. I made mac and cheese for my kids twice recently and didn't even eat one noodle. I didn't even want it.

It's weird.

I always want to say I haven't changed. I want to believe that I'm the same person that I've always been. But it's not true anymore. And not just my body is changing. Not just my face.

I'm becoming a different person. Hopefully, a better person. In some ways anyway.

It's really, really scary to become someone else. To start saying that certain things aren't okay anymore.

You know how you watch the Biggest Loser and those people cry and cry and cry? I always wondered why they were crying and maybe even speculated it's because they were attention whores. But that's just not the case.

It's hard to change. It's hard to be different. It's hard, for me, to even want more. Much less expect it.

It's just...hard.

15 comments:

Nen said...

congrats on the weight loss!! you are an inspiration to me and many, i'm sure!!!

Anne-Kathrine said...

Congrats on the weightloss, you are doing sooo great! I know its hard but you working so hard and doing so well. Hugs!

Chelle said...

You're such a great inspiration. Thank you for sharing this journey with us, the good and the bad. Change is never easy - especially when it affects one down to their core. Big Hugs, Stephanie...

Allie said...

Congrats, I'm so happy for you. Keep up the good work.

Chrissy said...

Losing weight - and reaching goals you've set for yourself - is a very emotional experience. And you're right, it IS hard to be different. But Stephanie, you should ALWAYS want more. You DESERVE more. Don't be afraid to want it.

Kimberly said...

Yeah, anyone who thinks weight loss is just a physical process doesn't know much about it. There's so much you have to face up to - who you were...who you suddenly have the potential to become. Self-respect levels dip and climb. Who you are changes in a multitude of difficult to define ways and it's scary and wonderful but sometimes mostly just scary.

The last time I fell off the ole wagon it wasn't because of laziness or wanting to eat whatever I wanted, it was because I was freaked out by the non-physical changes. I just wasn't ready for them. I'm kind of hoping to be ready again...soon.

imadramamama said...

First off, congrats on the loss. That's awesome and you are doing amazing.

Secondly, changing is scary. Changing anything is scary. I wrote a post a while ago about the things that scared me about losing weight. If you think it might help, check it out.

http://imadramamama.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/sisters-weigh-in-5/

Just know that you are not alone.

Jan said...

Weight loss is a huge challenge- so great that you are rising to the challenge.

And even positive change can be hard.

Peace.

herewegokids said...

I recently discovered that while I was busy surviving life I got ....middle aged. (42). It irritated me, to say the least. I felt a bit sad that the younger, thinner, carefree-er me was seemingly gone forever. More than a bit, if we're being honest. On the other hand I have 7 beautiful and heartrendingly precious children and I do believe some wisdom to show for those 'lost' years of my youth. On reflection it really isn't such a bad tradeoff. Who wants to be young and dumb forever anyway? We may just be hitting our stride.

PaintedPromise said...

yay Chick!!! i am celebrating too, i got below 200 WOO HOO. not much below yet... but we are off the weight loss schedule and on the maintenance schedule and it's not going back up... so i am hopeful that a few more sessions of the weight loss schedule will do it for me. andi don't even WANT soda, or chocolate - at least, not more than a couple of M&Ms at a time. this diet is changing the way we live and the way we eat. it's all good!

Captain Steve said...

Dude, rock on! And yeah, I'm with you:0.2 is like taking a pee.

Captain Steve said...

Dude, rock on! And yeah, I'm with you:0.2 is like taking a pee.

Captain Steve said...

Dude, rock on! And yeah, I'm with you:0.2 is like taking a pee.

Captain Steve said...

Dude, rock on! And yeah, I'm with you:0.2 is like taking a pee.

Captain Steve said...

Dude, rock on! And yeah, I'm with you:0.2 is like taking a pee.