Good Lord. I have the most beautiful kids.

Good gravy! Where do they get it from? Certainly not from me, and CERTAINLY not from the sperm donor because he was one ugly turd.


Seriously! These are my biological children! I did not adopt them!


It is stupidly ridiculous how very lucky I am. STUPIDLY RIDICULOUS.


Thank God for them. Just...thank God.

When I grow up, I want to be my daughter.

On Saturday night the four of us went by Jason’s office so he could do…something. Okay, I can’t remember what he wanted to do. But I do remember he wanted to show me a display he had set up and was very proud of (and it was very nice, it was). There was something else, but it’s not really important right now.

We got there at about 8pm and it was dark outside and most of the lights in the office were off. Jason’s boss was there so I got to meet him. (He also immediately forgot my name…seriously like two minutes after I told him my name and gave him a firm handshake. Further proof of my forgetability!) Jason and I were looking at a really large (wall-sized) map and discussing moving and the children were sort of following/harassing one another and laughing.

The Boy Child put his hands up in the arm like a zombie from an old monster movie and started walking slowly toward the Girl Child. Girl Child held her hand up in his face and said, “Brother. You can’t scare a woman.”

I laughed really hard, because actually? That’s really freaking funny.

Also? True.

Open mouth, insert entire leg.

I couldn’t post anything yesterday because it was April 1st. And I’m nobody’s fool.

Do you have that one person in your life that no matter what you are guaranteed to make a fool of yourself when that person is around?

I do.

Unfortunately? He’s the Project Manager here at my work. AKA: The big boss. AKA: The person I should actually try to impress, not humiliate myself around.

In case it’s not pretty obvious, I say a lot of inappropriate things. It helps pass the time. I share an office with two other people and they not only are used to my inappropriateness, I would say they actually encourage it by being as inappropriate as possible themselves. The three of us really require adult supervision.

I have the unique disadvantage, however, of having my back to the door. So that means I cannot see when anyone is approaching and my Project Manager often hears the ends of conversations. For example, recently he walked in as I was saying,

“So apparently, these men LIKE the lactating strippers. These women squirt breast milk on them and then…”

And another day I was saying,

“She told him that she was NOT going to let him stick ANYTHING in her butt!”

(And that one was TOTALLY taken out of context. Promise.)

And…

“I hate them. They suck. They are bastard coated bastards with bastard cream filling.”

And there was another one that was so bad that I am ashamed to type it all out here. It is now known around the office as The Queen Mother of All Things Inappropriate. And it includes the word anus. And really, I promise it was TOTALLY just bad timing. But what are you gonna do?

Is this a problem that is just unique to me? Or does everyone have someone they regularly mortify themselves in front of?