Wednesday, September 30, 2009

MIL from Hell, In Training.

Boy Child and I were on a walk last night. It's a bit chilly here in East Tennessee (chilly for us anyway) and we both had on jackets. Boy Child told me, as we made our way down the winding road, that he was not allowed to wear his hood up while he was in school. He wondered, aloud, what the reason for this could possibly be. I gave him my thoughts.

We came upon a family on the path. A large family who seemed completely unconcerned they were covering THE ENTIRE PATH and totally being rude. But whatever. The Boy Child moved behind me as we passed and I said to them, "Good evening!"

The totally ignored me.

Okay, not true. They looked at me. And said nothing.

We walked on.

"That was kind of rude," said the Boy Child.


"Do you think they think we're in a gang?"

"Excuse me?"

"I have my hoodie on. Do you think they think we're in a gang?"

"Son. My hoodie is PINK. What kind of gang would we be in? A PowerPuff Girl gang?"

He considered that for a moment.

"We can be in a gang that likes to bake and loves Jesus," he decided.

"Good plan."

He then did a high kick and shouted, "We kick ass for the Lord!"

Y'all. I'm not positive. But I'm pretty sure that there will never, ever, EVER be anyone good enough for him.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Of course.

Yesterday the Boy Child got in the car, shut the door and gleefully asked me:

"Guess what I learned in school today?"

I knew the answer. I did. But I asked anyway.


"SEX," he told me. Except the way he pronounces it is "sacks". Which is funny in and of itself, but we won't go there.
(Sorry dad.)

Anyway, I asked him if he had any questions or wanted to talk about anything and he said no, he thought he was good. Then a couple of minutes later he said,

"You know what I would say if one of my friends said they needed to do sex to be more manly?"

Oh God.

"No, what would you say?"

"I'd say, 'Don't come crying to me when your penis falls off!'"

" learned about STD's, I take it?"


It was fine, really, until he was working on his current events homework and instead of political he wrote "poclitical". I really lost it at that point.

This is motherhood. Day 4210.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Changing focus.

I've set my new book aside. Just for now.

Instead, I'm writing a book about being a mother. Not that I'm a good and/or appropriate mother. I'm not. I probably never will be.

But I am what I am.

And there are stories there too.

So. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm okay. You're okay. We're all okay.

I guess this needs to be said.

I'm okay.

I'm not okay. But I'm okay.

I need to reevaluate. I need to do something new. I'm cleaning out the cobwebs of my soul. Or some other poetic sounding crap.

There is nothing terribly sinister about any of this. I bought a new domain. I will post the new domain address when it's ready. It's not ready. I have a lot to do and I have a lot of decisions to make about what direction I'm going to go. I'm not hiding and I'm not disappearing.

I am attempting to make positive steps. I'm trying to change my life. Part of that is trying to decide what to do next and yes, although that probably seems strange to some of you, that includes my blog.

I'm tired y'all. I'm really tired. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else in this world puts on me. I know this. I'm trying, very hard, to get better. People don't know and people don't understand and that's cool. I don't expect other people to understand. I expect that there are people who don't know my financial situation who think I'm really selfish. I suppose there are people who get pissy with me because I'm not funny all the time and I don't give THEM what THEY need. There are a whole, whole lot of people who never, ever consider what is really going on and only consider how it's going to affect them (and this is largely people in my real day-to-day life, and not people who read my blog, mind you). I get that. It's fine. I'm sure I've been guilty of that, at times, in my own life. I can't fix what anyone else feels and I'm not even going to try anymore.

Thus, I'm reevaluating. I'm changing my focus a little bit.

Also? I hate to even say this, but please don't email other people asking what's going on. It's awkward for my close friends and besides, since they are my close friends? They aren't going to say anything anyway.

I'm getting everything figured out.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Even if it takes forever to mend this heart, mend this heart of yours and this heart of mine.

I'm pretty sure.

Not 100% just yet.

But pretty sure that this blog is going away soon.

Not me. But this blog. I've already secured a new domain name.

It's not the same. This used to be my sanctuary. Now, it's just another reminder of all the ways I've failed as a human being. For I? Am not the same either.

For what it was, I'm glad for it. I'll probably (maybe?) keep the archives on the new blog. I might even regret this decision and just say the Hell with it and forget it.

But I think it's time. It's time for a change.

I can't stay stagnant. I can't stay the same. Things have changed and there is no use pretending they haven't.

I'll decide soon. I think I already have.

So. Be ready.

(And no, sweet peeps, I don't want to talk about it. But I would appreciate good thoughts and prayers...even if I don't deserve them)

Thursday, September 24, 2009


I got on the scale this morning.

Technically, I'm not supposed to do this. I tend to get a little bit...addicted to the scale. Manic would be a good way to describe it. I might have, maybe, once or twice, shrieked things like "POINT TWO! THAT'S NOT WEIGHT! THAT'S TAKING A PEE!" But that can't be confirmed because I only get on the scale alone.

But anyway. The scale.

Today? Its little black number blinking back at me is lower than it's been since...well, since I can remember.

So low, in fact, that I stepped on the scale three times. To make sure I wasn't crazy.

I'm not thin. But I'm thinner than I used to be.

This should not surprise me. I exercise daily. I walk forty miles a week. Sometimes more. My eating is cleaner than it's ever been. I don't even care that I make bread and don't eat it. I made mac and cheese for my kids twice recently and didn't even eat one noodle. I didn't even want it.

It's weird.

I always want to say I haven't changed. I want to believe that I'm the same person that I've always been. But it's not true anymore. And not just my body is changing. Not just my face.

I'm becoming a different person. Hopefully, a better person. In some ways anyway.

It's really, really scary to become someone else. To start saying that certain things aren't okay anymore.

You know how you watch the Biggest Loser and those people cry and cry and cry? I always wondered why they were crying and maybe even speculated it's because they were attention whores. But that's just not the case.

It's hard to change. It's hard to be different. It's hard, for me, to even want more. Much less expect it.

It's just...hard.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Here's a question!

When someone tells you something it because they want you to know or because THEY want to tell it?

I mean something truly awful. Like confessing to an affair or something. If you are never really going to find out, and there is no way you will ever find out, do they tell you just because they want to unburden their soul or because they feel guilty or because it's really something you need to know?

Moreover, is that something you really need to know?

Would YOU want to know?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Open Letters: It's ONLY TUESDAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?!!? Edition

Dear Son,

When you make the face like that angry clown that is inexplicably standing at the front door of my gym? You make me remember why I wanted to become a mother.

Please don't do that face while I'm driving though. I nearly ran off the road in front of a red-light camera I was laughing so hard. Police really have very little sense of humor about such things, so work with me on that.

Love you and love you and love you kid,
Your mom

PS: The time to tell mom that she has a hole in her work-out pants and God and everyone can see her red underwear? Is BEFORE she goes to the gym. Not after she goes to the gym, your Tae Kwon Do school and through the entire Kroger twice. Thanks. Love you.

Dear douchebag in the line at the Kroger behind me,

So sorry that my saving money was such a disruption to your life. I know that I actually purchased something other than a case of beer, a package of bologna and a box of organic butter (for serious? Okay then). And yes, I used coupons. And yes, I spent $92.11 and yes, I SAVED $96.91. So I'm just very sorry that my personal quest to better my financial situation is SO ANNOYING to you that you have to stand behind me drumming your fingers on the counter and blowing your breath out in an irritated way.

Also? Kiss the fattest part of my ass. Douche.


PS: Yes, I specifically dotted all my i's with smiley faces while writing my check. Just so it would take it extra time. Cause I'm sweet like that.

PSS: I also wrote a check, which I never do. Just to spend extra time in line.

PSSS: Don't mess with a mother. We aren't intimidated by the likes of you. Not even close.

Dear self,

For the love of God. Stop doing dangerous things. Just stop.

Things suck. That is true. Accept your responsibility in how they got to this level of suckage. Own it and do what you can to fix it.

You can't fix anybody but yourself.

Yourself? Needs a lot of work.

Get to work.

I don't love you yet, but I'm working on it. Jerkwad.

PS: It's okay to buy yourself some new workout pants. It really is.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Girl Lesson #1

Dear Girl Child,

Please do not wear your blue with rainbow stripe straps bra with your white shirt. The monkeys on the bra cups show through. And mom really doesn't want people to know she bought you a padded bra. Except, you know, the entire internet. They don't care.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Things I am currently stressed about*

1) I have nothing to wear to the Southern Festival of Books. I mean nothing.
2) Moreover? I have no idea what I'm supposed to wear. Nor do I have a lot of funds to purchase something new.
3) Even more moreover? I have not made hotel reservations. Good. Gravy.
4) I also generally no plan whatsoever for what to do with my children during the Avon Walk. My parents will be around, but I have no idea what to do in Charlotte and no idea where to even start.
5) It's raining. I'm supposed to walk sixteen miles today. Technically I suppose I could go to the gym and walk on the treadmill but I might have to stab myself in the face if I walk sixteen miles while watching German Techno crap. Lord.
6) There is no Diet Pepsi in my home. CALL. SOMEBODY.
7) Someone recently introduced me to the phrase "lick my crack" and I haven't found nearly enough opportunities to use that in conversation.
8) I had this horrible realization the other day that I wrote a book. About my own life. And people have read it. And now they KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE. And it really freaked me out all over again.
9) I have at least thirty emails that need responses. The thought of responding makes my head hurt.
10) I'm behind. I'm sad. I'm pathetic. And I don't know how to change.

*Not an exhaustive list.

Friday, September 18, 2009

What the world needs now.

Things are sort of bleak and dark right now in my world, so instead of focusing on that load of horsepoo, instead I'll have some Stuff I Love:

1) My children. Oh my Lord. My children. I have absolutely no idea what I did to deserve two people who rock so hard, but y'all? I'm really lucky.

2) This picture right here:

I don't care who you are. That's cute as hell.

3) I got paperwork from both The Southern Festival of Books and the Southern Kentucky BookFest. As puke-inducing as both of those are? It's still pretty rad.

4) Also? Thanks to generous donations from a lot of really fabulous people, I'm at the minimum required donation for my Avon Walk. I am honored and humbled and amazed. Thank you all so much.

5) My hair is doing the most awesome, amazing things lately.

6) My good friend went to the doctor today and saw a healthy heartbeat. Thank God.

7) I am so glad I have a job. I have to work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to being up early and whatnot on a Saturday, but I'm so glad I have a job and I love my co-workers so much that it won't be bad.

8) My body is also doing awesome, amazing things lately. Namely, it's going the hell away. Which is awesomely amazing.

9) My new shoes.

10) I wore out my old shoes. Oh yes. I did.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Things which can bite me.*

-Kanye West. Dude, I was so on board with that Golddigger song a few years ago (until the db's at the Jiffy Lube stole my CD's when they changed my oil). Now? You are just a stupid attention whore. STOP IT. NO ONE CARES. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.


-Kate Major. Dude. Fine. You despise John Gosselin. GET IN LINE. Does anyone NOT despise him?

Attention whore.

Although, seriously. Does this dude have a beer flavored peen or what? I can't think of any of other explanation for all these women flocking around him because Jesus Lord, child support for eight children cannot be cheap and he's about as attractive as a pile of cat puke.

(Sorry dad. Sorry)

-My ass.

(Admittedly, it would be hard for my own ass to bite me)

-The death of Patrick Swayze. So NOT the time of my life.

-Biochemistry. Just cause.

-My new book. Specifically, my paralyzing fear of said book.
(We're in a it's-not-going-well phase. Is it obvious?)

-The bizarre rules that come along with middle school. Specifically, the fact that the school can, apparently change the start time, not tell anyone and STILL get pissy with you because your kids are "late".

-The equally bizarre hormones that come along with middle school. These include, but are not limited to, sobbing for no reason, panicking over nothing, and sobbing over something that does not require even sniffling.

-People who GRAPHICALLY OVERSHARE on the Facebook. It's awesome that you have really strong beliefs on certain issues. It's not awesome to post graphic things to get your point across.

Also? I don't want to know if you had sex last night. I just don't. I'm very happy for you, but keep that to yourself.

-My cell phone. It's a complete piece of crap.

-The economy, which is also a complete piece of crap.

-The fact that it's not November yet. I need it to be November. Now.

*Not an exhaustive list

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


As you all know I'm a huge fan of the Weight Watchers. Today is Lose-A-Palooza and you can help Weight Watchers fight hunger!

Lose-A-Palooza lets members, non-members and other passionate people contribute to the campaign. For this one day, every accepted mention of Lose for Good on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, blogs and online news sites will be matched with a $1 donation from Weight Watchers to Share Our Strength and Action Against Hunger, up to $25,000!

Click here for more info about Lose for Good.

In celebration of Lose For Good, Weight Watchers is offering a free month of Monthly Pass for any new member who joins during the campaign and that includes FREE registration! I love Weight Watchers Online and if you sign up for a 3 month offer, you’ll get the fourth month free! Weight Watchers has helped me shed almost fifty of the over seventy pounds I've lost!

Share the love and spread the word!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Take THAT Biznatch!

That's what my body is saying to me.

Like on Friday? I was moving at 10000 miles a minute, like you know, I always do? And I was walking out the door? And my hand was on the doorknob? And I VOMITED ON MYSELF TOTALLY OUT OF NOWHERE.

Which, in case you were wondering, really freaks out the small children who live here with me.

So I did what you would imagine I would do in this situation. I cleaned up the vomit, changed my shirt, and headed out the door.

This? Was not wise. I could pretty much not move the next morning. I felt like I was swimming in Jell-o. I couldn't stay awake. My temperature skyrocketed.

I was worthless.

So on Sunday? I cleaned my entire house, donated six bags of clothes to the area rescue mission, and walked eleven miles.

I have to stop this. I don't want to be permanently worthless. I see it looming and it ain't pretty.

If you are an overachiever, or a wanna-be overachiever like me, CAN you stop? Is it even possible? Because it doesn't feel possible to me right now.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Ebay, here I come!

Today? I went to the bathroom? And I pulled down my pants without unbuttoning them (I promise this isn't TMI just stay with me)? And then I realized.

I was wearing my new pants.

My new pants are loose on me.

Holy crap.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Every day of my life is one big blob of getting up early, work, more work, walking, more work, highways, children, homework, Tae Kwon Do, dinner, work, more work, more walking, trails, hurty knees, dishes, more work, making lunches, and collapsing.

To complicate things? People in my life are being weird. It's...challenging.

I mean, I guess it's good. But it's weird. It's unexpected. It's sort of like if someone called you an ass the first two hundred times they saw you and then the 201st time they called you sweetheart and gave you a big hug.

It's odd.

I don't know if I like it. Or trust anyone. But that could just be the exhaustion talking.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Teenage wasteland.

Girl Child? Has a zit.

Not just a zit? A HUGE OH MY FREAKING SWEET LORD kind of zit.

On her chin.

While in the line at the post-office today (consequently, did you know that if you are completely unprepared to mail a parcel that it is acceptable, lo, ENCOURAGED for you to come stand in the line at the post office? And to get to the counter with your parcel in a Wal-Mart bag and absolutely no clue of the recipients address? And then get angry and hateful with the person behind the counter who is being THE NICEST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU SUCK? Well, it's all true. At my post office anyway) I noticed the ginormous zit on her face and I said, because I'm classy,


She made that "OH MY GOD SHUT UP" face at me. Then she smiled because she's a Girl Scout and we do crap like that.

"I'm going to take a picture of it," I told her. "For posterity."

"We'll put it in an album and label it 'Classic Memories'," said the Boy Child, dreamily.

Girl Child? She doesn't find us very amusing.

I'm pretty sure she's Jason kid.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Because this needs to be said one more time:

Weigh-in today:

Lost 4.6 pounds.


I guess walking hinty eleven miles this week WORKED.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Stephanie Law #1*

If you are walking? And you're about to die? And you've stuck your phone in your bra because, really, where the heck else are you supposed to stick your phone? Your phone will ring.

When you get around a large group of people.

From out of town.

Who are Quakers.

And don't appreciate the subtle nuances of your "Theme from Sanford and Son" Ringtone.

Or the fact that you reached your hand up your shirt to answer your ringing bra while saying, "How're y'all?" and trying desperately not to show them your ringing bra.


*Similar to Murphy's Law. But much more damaging and emotionally traumatic.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Walking with the Boy Child.

"Mom? I think I want to join the cross-nation team."

"Mom? Did you ever have a bug fly up your nose and then, try as hard as you can, and you can't snoorze it out?"

"I hope no mass murderers get us in these woods mom. You aren't a very good runner."

Good. Times.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Sometimes I think I done good.

I told my best gfriends last night that I couldn't imagine anything sweeter than the Boy and the Girl Child when they are going to bed at night. Our bedtime routine is as follows:

1) Hug and kiss mom
2) Hug each other and wish each other a Good-night
3) Hug the dog and wish her a Good-night
4) Hug daddy, if he's home
5) Hug mom again

My favorite part? Is #2. I've always believed it's the sweetest thing ever. Girl Child always calls Boy Child his nickname, which is what she called him when they were little-bitties.

I was wrong, though, about it being the sweetest thing ever.

Because today? I got a call from the school telling me I had to pick up Girl Child immediately. She had a temperature of 102.6. When I arrived they told me how very many students had been dismissed today and several students were sitting in the office, looking miserable and forlorn.

Girl Child? Has the flu. A big mamba-jamba case of it.

I went back to the school at the normal time to pick up the Boy Child. He bounded down the hill to the parking lot and gleefully jumped in the car and said,
"Where's Girl Child?"

I told him she was at home, sleeping. We live only a few miles from the school and Girl and Boy Child are at the age now that they are okay to be home alone for a short while. I told Boy Child that his sister had the flu and his deeply tan little face went white. He had heard all about the flu...he can't help it what with Jason's obsession with the news.

He touched my arm. "You have to tell me...will she be okay?"

I assured him she would be okay. That she needs fluids and rest and motrin but that she'll be okay.

"She won't die?" he asked.

I told him she wouldn't.

"Good," he told me. "I could never live without Girl Child."

I told him I couldn't imagine I could live without her either.

We drove the short distance home (he did tell me, in the car that he felt "Fit as a Fiddle") and he bounded up the porch steps and told me, "I'll go check on my sister."

He went to her room, respectfully knocking on her door before he went in. He came in and told her all about his day and what happened at school. He asked if she felt okay and got her a glass of water. He sat next to her and is sitting next to her, on the floor amid all her stuffed animals. Watching a DVD.

I love how he cares so much about her. I don't know if it's a twin thing or what. All I know is that it's a very, very good thing.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

I got nothing.

Okay, except the fact that today when I was getting ready to leave work? My boss said, "Why does it always get so cold in here in the afternoons?" and I said, "It's because me and my hot ass leave."

But that's really all I have.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Kids say the craziest things.

Boy Child: Master of all things obvious, as we walked to the pharmacy: Do you need something at the pharmacy?

Me: Yes.

Boy Child: Can you tell me what it is?

Me: It's just girl stuff.

Girl Child: It's probably birth control pills.

Boy Child: Girl Child! Mom doesn't take birth control pills! She can't have more children!

Me: That's right. I don't need birth control pills.

Boy Child, after a moment: I'm sorry you can't have any more children mom. But think of this have me and Girl Child. And if you had another baby, you'd have lots of things to pay!

Me: True!

Boy Child: I hear diapers are very expensive!

Girl Child: So do I! I hear that!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Life Lessons with the Girl Child.

I got really upset with the Girl Child today.

I mean, really, really upset.

Also? I was having a really bad day already. I had a headache, I'm frustrated with a number of things (mostly myself), I have huge holes in my yoga pants, and well. I'm just not having the easiest time with life lately.

So I yelled at my kid.

I mean, she did something wrong and yes I had the right to be frustrated. But I was too hard on her and I knew it.

And I? Felt like crap.

So I went to her room to tell her I was upset with her for what she did, but I shouldn't have been so hard on her and she had written me a letter which said, in part,

Dear Mom,

Girl Child is a ungrateful bitchy jerk of a daughter. I don't deserve a fantastic, awesome great mom like you.


I told her that I was sorry. I was wrong and I was sorry and while she was wrong too, I should have handled it better. And that she was a great kid and I loved her so much and everything would be okay.

And I left the room feeling like the WORST PERSON ALIVE.

I overreacted. I did the wrong thing. And she was sad FOR ME.

I dropped the two off at Tae Kwon Do and went to the gym for a while to clear my head. When I came back we went to the pharmacy so I could get some medicine to help my head (and my knees). I let the kids pick out one small candy (mostly because they had the Halloween candy out on display and they've been talking about candy corn for three weeks now).

We paid for our purchases and the candy corn was still on the counter. I thought the Boy Child had taken it out to look at it so I slipped it in the bag and walked out.

We were on the sidewalk and the Boy Child said, "Mom? Can you check the receipt? I don't think we paid for that candy."

We didn't.


"We have to go back," the Girl Child told me.

So we did. We explained what happened and paid the dollar and everything was okay.

On the sidewalk the Girl Child told me how she was trying to be more honorable. That Tae Kwon Do taught her honor (and a bunch of other things those little Tennessee accents yell...I can't understand all of it) and that lately? She wasn't being as honorable as she should be.

Neither am I, Girl Child.

But I'm going to do better too.