It makes the world go around.

If you are like me, the weird thing about making more money is that you are afraid to do anything with it.

Like, for example, I got a paycheck this month that was several hundred dollars more than I used to get. Before I got said paycheck I told myself that I would take that extra money and give it to my college to pay off a significant chunk of the one Perkins loan I owe them. (I owe other student loans, but only one small one to the University).

The money is sitting in my bank account. Because I don't want to see it go away.

I know that's dumb. I know it's "extra" money, because I know that I was doing just fine without it before and my expenses really haven't changed, except for the stupid student loans that I'm going to have to start paying back soon. So why can't I just write the check?

So many people are freaks about money.

I am one of them.

When I was a credit counselor, I saw a lot of people who had money issues. Some of them had money issues because they were a stay-at-home mom for fifteen years and their husband left them and the only job they could get was at Taco Bell. Some of them had money issues because they never had anything growing up and overcompensated later. Some of them were compulsive shoppers, or poor planners. Others, especially women, had spouses who ruled the home with an iron fist and would not allow them enough money to even cover basic necessities. They grew to rely on credit cards to buy things like groceries.

Most, however, had what I like to call self-inflicted money issues.

Like this one couple? They came in to see me one night with a huge stack of credit card bills and a huge bunch of attitude.

They were a married couple with three young children. They both worked as guards at a local prison. I recall that their gross income, combined, was around $58000 annually. It seems as though they both netted just under $1900 a month. So, let's say they brought home $3800.

They owned a double wide trailer for which they were paying $875 a month. That did not include taxes (city and county, mind you) or insurance. Also, they had a lot rent of $195 a month. And, they had a second mortgage on the home through a local finance company for $335 a month.

So they were paying $1405 a month for a double wide trailer. Before taxes and insurance. In the area they lived, that would have bought a really nice house. When I pointed out both the amount that their housing was costing them monthly, they seemed really surprised. I said something like, "Wow, you could have a nice house for that amount of money!" they both rolled their eyes and told me they couldn't afford a house.

They both had cars, which they told me they needed. This counseling took place in 2003 and both of their cars were 2003 models. His car payment was $495 a month. Hers? Was about $400. Car insurance was $225 a month because he had a lot of tickets. They were really behind on the car insurance.

I asked if they could just carpool, since they worked the same shift at the same place and they immediately said, no, because sometimes after work he wanted to go help his brother.

No, I'm not kidding, they really said that.

The electric bill averaged $300 a month. I don't know about anywhere else really, but in the area I lived at the time, utility bills were brutal if you lived in trailers. They were really behind on the electric bill. They owed somewhere in the neighborhood of $1000 and the bill was red- which meant cancellation was imminent.

The house phone had been shut off. They needed $300 to get it turned back on. They both had cell phones though. His plan was $59.99 a month. Hers ran her about $120 a month. I asked if they could combine plans to save money and they said they couldn't. No explanation as to why, but they couldn't. I asked why they HAD to have cell phones and the woman, very snippily, informed me that she had children and she couldn't be without a way to reach her children at any given moment. I asked her if she had a phone on her desk at work and she said she did.

I asked how much they spent on groceries and she said about $100 a month. I questioned that, as they had five people in the home and that is ridiculously low for five people, even if you are a super shopper. She insisted that was correct and they didn't eat very much.

I asked her how much they spent eating out.

"We never eat out," she said, taking a long drink out of her McDonalds cup.

I told her that McDonalds WAS eating out, because it was food not prepared at home.

They got really irritated at this point and said, "You just need to help us with our bills!"

I tried to explain that the reason they were having trouble paying their bills is because their living expenses were to high. They didn't care, they didn't want to hear it. I told them I wouldn't look at their bills until we finished their living expenses. They got very annoyed, but agreed and snapped each answer at me. The answers included a $100 a week hip-hop dance class for one of their daughters, and $30 a week, per kid, for allowance because they never had any money growing up and since they made good money their kids weren't going to suffer like that.

They had $60,000 in credit card debts.

They were angry at me for "not helping" them, and called my boss to complain the next day.

Those people? They had self-inflicted money troubles.

I swore I'd never be one of those people, and largely I am not. I'm not behind on anything, I don't have excessive debts, and I don't overspend for basics.

But I'm still a freak about money.

I'm so afraid to have nothing. I never want to be there again.

Logically, I know this won't happen. Logically, I know I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I have more education and experience than I've ever had. Every day I gain more experience. Every day I meet more people who have influence over my career. Every paycheck I deposit money in the savings account. Every paycheck, I chip away at the debt I do have remaining. As much as I hate the debt I have from my student loans, I don't regret that debt at all. Because that debt means I have education, and education has opened doors for me.

Emotionally? It makes me a Weepy McWeepster.

I don't know how to change.

Humiliation- Not as glamorous as it sounds.

I'm gonna be really honest here.

It takes a whole, whole lot to embarrass me.

Shocking, right? I know.

But today? I was more humiliated than that time when my children were in Kindergarten and I was trying to walk them across the crosswalk to get into school and someone yelled at me, "Move your ass you fat cow!" and the crossing guard, WHO WAS TOTALLY A FEMALE OR A REALLY UGLY MAN IN DRAG, snickered.

And that was really bad.

But today, I had a meeting with the women who I was speaking to when I referred to myself as a Stupidy McStupidpants, and she told me that someone I work with came to her and tried to talk to her about the very same issue that she and I were discussing while on the phone that day. She told him she had already spoken to me and he told her he had no idea who I was.

THE MAN SITS TWO DOORS AWAY FROM ME. I AM NOT KIDDING.

Moreover, my project has shown itself to have a marked lack of communication, but really, this is going to a new low. He went behind my back in order to usurp my boss.

I was extremely apologetic and gave her a short (and extremely abreviated) background on the project's considerable issues. She told me it was no problem, but she only wanted to work with me, and she didn't feel comfortable being put in the middle. She also told me she felt very confident in my abilities, which made me feel slightly better.

Still. My face was burning in shame. SHAME BY ASSOCIATION.

Even my dreams are lame.

Do you ever just wish you were somebody else?

I mean, not a completely different person or anything (although I do have days like that). But just like…better. Or more interesting or smarter or skinnier or more witty or something?

I imagine myself all the time as this person who would have dinner parties.

No, seriously. That’s as high as I can hope for myself. Dinner parties.

I imagine having this big group of friends who would come over and visit me. I’d be in the kitchen cooking, possibly even julienning freaking carrots or something, while John Legend songs played on the stereo system. Jason could entertain my friends while I periodically shouted things from the kitchen such as,

“I like his views on foreign policy!”

and maybe

“Thus, nuclear physics can be regarded as the descendant of chemistry and atomic physics and in turn the progenitor of particle physics!”

Okay, maybe not that actually. Maybe just something like:

“Glib actually means readily fluent! Often thoughtlessly!”

Note to self: Glib is a good way to describe you.

After dinner we’d all retire to the porch and watch the children play in the backyard and we’d laugh and say funny things about how they are growing up way to fast and how expensive college is getting to be and by the way, did I mention my book is coming out in hardcover next month? And I’ll sign it for you, for a small fee. And everyone would chuckle. Hehe.

Later, I’d load all the dishes into my dishwasher and view the event with a sense of satisfaction.

But? See, I can’t be that person.

Because being that person would require things like, gravy boats and full sets of matching dishes, and not living in a neighborhood so inhabited by crackheads that you fear your good friends cars will be molested while they are inside your home. Also, the ability to julienne carrots, which clearly, I do not have.

I wish I could write the script to my own life. That would rock. Jason would never say anything stupid, my kids would get straight A’s in school, and I would have freaking dinner parties. With carrots even.