It's a sign!

I've had to drive a different route to work for the past two weeks because my little children are at Karate camp this week instead of nerd camp where they will be for the rest of the summer.

Today, on my drive, I noticed a fortune teller's "office" on the side of the road.

She is, per her sign, the "best fortune-teller in Tennessee!"

Her sign also indicated: YARD SALE TODAY.


Rock.

I don't know what you say you do.

This morning, when I came outside to get in my car and go to work there was a white van parked directly behind my driveway, blocking me in. It was right behind my vehicle...there was just no way around it.

I was walking around the van, thinking I'd go by my neighbors house to see if she knew who owned the van, and I noticed movement in the van.

There was a man, sleeping in the van. AT THE WHEEL. In front of my HOME.

I knocked on the window and the man seemed irritated that I had woken him up.

"Buddy?" I said. "Do you need some help in there?"

"No," he said, irritated. "I'm sleeping."

Oh. My bad.


DUDE.

"Sir," I said, politely as possible. "This is private property. This is my house. You can't sleep here."

Okay, technically it's not private property. His van was TECHNICALLY on the street and not my driveway. However, I was banking on the fact that he didn't appear intelligent enough to brush his own teeth, much less be aware of various county ordinances.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'm going."

He revved the engine of his 200 year old van. With a lurch and a cloud of smoke, it took off up the street.

Running over the bicycle that a kid left in the middle of the road last night.

Crushing the bike.

So.

It started out bad, but ended up okay. I guess.

In a cosmic sort of way.

You know you wish you were me.

Before 10am I managed to:

1) Set off my car alarm.
2) Twice.
3) Use the f-word.
4) Twice.
5) In front of my son. Oops.
6) Have a long conversation regarding butt-plugs.
7) Which was, of course, overheard by my project manager.
8) Get a big piece of carrot stuck in-between my front teeth (I had carrots for breakfast. Shut up.)
9) Remark loudly, "I'm a slave to the Wang!"
10) Which was, of course, overhead by my project manager. Who turned red.
11) Remark loudly to a co-worker with a sunburn, "I guess that really chaps your ass!"
12) Which was not overheard by the project manager, but was overheard by the 200 year old man we have as our accountant.
13) Who now thinks I'm hot and sexy.
14) Accidentally call my own house.
15) Left a message for a work colleague on my own house's answering machine.
16) Get yellow highlighter all over my ear, my arm, and my left boob.


So. How's your day going?