Tuesday, November 28, 2006

This? Makes me sad.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't spend all my time on this blog. (Honestly, if I did it would look a lot better than this, yes?) I also like to view other websites from time to time. While cruising around the 'net recently I found the following gem on a public message board for a website for newlyweds. I won't tell you the name, but it rhymes with "The Pest".

Anyway, here it is:

Oh man. Where to start. This is going to be lengthy, so if you don't want to read it all, then you should stop here. My life for the past couple months has been miserable. I can hardly stand it. I've been going through depression, but I agree with my counselor that it's because of my relationship. My husband started going with me to "learn to communicate", which we've been trying to do. However, I do all the things I'm supposed to do to talk to him (never blame him, say how I feel as opposed to he does this to make me feel this, use a calm, clear voice, etc...) and he still continues to tell me I'm a dramatic, whiney *** and that he's sick of listening to the same complaint. My complaint is this. I'm not treated special. I'm not treated like an important person in his life. He is rude and snaps at me. He is completely involved with his life and doesn't include me in it. We have little to no physical contact other then hugs (not even kissing - and sex? well, it's easily been 2 months...) I'm in hell 24/7 when I'm around him because I want so much more and he acts like I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do. We're in college. It's very hard for me to make friends for a couple of reasons - first of all, most girls I know find out that I'm married and assume that I'm "grown up" and no fun. Secondly, and most importantly, most girls in college that are my age want to go to the bar and pick up guys. I don't want to go to the bar, since I don't like to drink, and even if I did, we have a house about 20 miles away from campus, and I would have no way of getting home. And I don't want to pick up guys, obviously. Any friends that I have had in the past have moved away or graduated. And now that I'm working 40+ hours a week and only taking online and night classes, that makes my "friend-pool" a lot smaller. He's found a group of guys who enjoy the same thing he does - aka - video games. I'm happy that he's happy. But gaming is all he does. I'm not exaggerating. On an average night, we both get home around 7 (he would usually get home sooner, but his transmission died and we can't get it fixed until Christmas break) The first thing he does is get on the computer. Plays video games. If he's bored with that, he gets on the PS2, and plays vg's. If he's bored that (which rarely happens) he goes to sleep. If we do ANYTHING together, it involves me playing vg's with him (which I don't mind for, say, an hour... but I don't want to stay up until 1am when I have to get up at 6), or I watch him play vg's (which he says is quality time?), or we watch a movie. If I suggest anything else, such as taking a walk, playing a board game, going downtown, etc... he tells me that he's busy. Always, he's busy. Then he tells me I have no interests. I feel that any interests I had before have been swished away because I've always been the one sacrificing my interests to share his. I can't even remember what I was interested in - and the things I would like to do - community plays, community bands, pottery, etc... all cost money or time, which is something I don't have any of. So here he has this wonderful life where he doesn't even bother to try to do things with me, and I have nothing. I just clean when he's gone because I want to be a good wife. And, what's worse, is that if I act like I'm sad or irritated in front of him, he flat out tells me he won't forgive me until he sleeps. An example I used was "If we wake up late, and I have to wait for you to get ready, and I'm irritated that I'm running late, but I'm happy and fun the rest of the day, you'll still be mad?" and he said "yes, because you've ruined my day." I feel that those expectations are unrealistic. He says we're at the point in our relationship that we should be honest. But he's using it as a way to be mean. I recently got my nails done and eyebrows waxed - the first thing he said was "you're nails look like *** and it looks like somebody punched you in the face. Why did you pay 40 bucks to look like ***?" It's not like he is using any tact whatsoever. He recently told me, while laughing, "I don't want to have to do the work during the sex, and I mean, look at you, you obviously are too big to be on top!" Which is bullshit because I've been on top loads of times, and he never complained once. He told me that in order for our marriage to work, I was going to "have to drop a ton a weight" because he was "bored with me". I was never, ever bored with him when he was heavy, and he's only lost weight (though he's still a big guy) because he was sick for a long time and couldn't eat. He always is saying, "yeah, I lost a bunch of weight, it's not that hard, why don't you try it?" And whenever I do try to go on a diet or exercise, he discourages me by telling me that dieting doesn't work, and then for dinner ordering us a pizza. It's just so many little things. He doesn't clean - he just moves the stuff from one room to another. He spends money we just don't have - on Black Friday he bought a $500 TV because it was a good deal... having to spread it over 3 cards, two credit and a debit, and making us flat ass broke until we get paid this week, but all of our bills are due next week, so we have nothing. If the litter box is full, he says, "hey - clean it!" and it never occurs to him to do it himself. The bathtub upstairs is leaking, and instead of trying to fix it, we just have to have the water shut off until we need it. All these little things, on top of him being totally self-involved, no physical interaction, and plain rude to me has just put me on the edge. We're broke, I work all week, and when I do see him at night or on the weekend, he's just off in his own little world that I am only a part of from time to time. I'm not saying he can't have his own interests, and it's not my fault he's my only close friend, but why can't I be important to him? I guess I'll wrap this all up by saying that I just don't know what to do. Are my feelings even valid??? He tells me everyday that I'm just whining and he's going to get pissed if I keep doing it. I just hurt so much I want to die, and I can't keep feeling like that anymore. If I told him how sad I was, and how I've considered suicide more then once or twice, instead of being worried he would be angry and annoyed that I was being dramatic. I love him more then anything in the world - and I KNOW he loves me, when he is remembering that I'm his wife and not his roommate. There are times when he just holds me and tells me how much he loves me, and I feel like everything will be ok - and then he goes to play Final Fantasy XII. I'm just so lost I don't know where to turn. I know this is long and probably doesn't make any sense since I'm rambling, but if you have any ideas, advice, suggestions, anything, I need so much help right now and I don't have anywhere to turn. Thank you for reading this.

Okay, honest to frog, once your eyes stop bleeding due to the lack of paragraphs? This will really make you sad.

I have the flu. Last night, I sat in the bathtub shivering so hard my teeth chattered. My beloved heated pans of water to boiling on the stove and carried them to the bathtub to try to warm me up. Let me just say, I was not exactly bringing sexy back or anything. I think I have possibly never looked worse.

Except for this one time? I was really, really feeling bad. My beloved had some medication. I can't remember what it was. Something strong. He gave me one. We were sitting in the living room watching television. I said, "I don't feel good." and promptly hurled all over myself. I was mortified. I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and came back out and said, "Oh my GOD. I am so sorry!" and he said, "What puke?"

And this one other time? I had a UTI. It hurt so bad that I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying at 2am and my husband got up out of the bed and drove to the local Food City and purchased for me some Uristat. This was a huge deal to him as he is a largely appropriate individual and purchasing Uristat is somewhat akin to purchasing, say, tampons. But he did it anyway and I didn't even have to ask him to do it. Cause he loves me and junk.

My husband is not perfect. He is always late for everything. Always. He farts every morning at 5am (I swear, I could set a clock by it). He talks really fast and he eats all the good snacks. He's a spender, I'm a saver. Sometimes I just have to throw my hands in the air.

But that girl? Who posted about her husband? Sweet God. SWEET GOD.

The most sad part, in my opinion, is her absolute insistence that this man loves her. Um, actually no. He doesn't love her. He is an abusive fart-chimney who needs to be kicked to the curb. And this poor girl, at all of 24, is resigned to this being her life.

When Jason comes home, I'll be giving him a huge hug. Not a kiss, cause I have the flu. I love sharing with him, but not germs.

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