Uncle Daddy

Today, since I still have the flu, I have the additional joy of watching daytime television. I'm usually at work during this time, so this is a rare and unusual treat. I have noted some interesting things.

All the bail bond, title loan, and cash advance places feature only African American or Mexican actors. When did the local television stations get all Michael Richards on me? I mean, what is THAT about? One particularly charming commercial for a bail bonding place has an African American woman singing a very dramatic song (think Whitney Houston, pre-crack days dramatic) about how "sometimes you have some problems! What to do? This bail bonding place is here for you! REEEEEEEEEEEEEUNITED! Reunited with your loved ones!"

Sweet God.

There is also a title pawn commercial that makes me want to vomit. The company is called Title Max and they have this woman who looks like a coke-whore bebopping about going, "Title Max got your money, your money, your REAL money! HAHA!" I'm totally not kidding. It's so horrible. All the while, she's waving about what appears to be $200 in small bills.

I wish the commercials would just be honest and say, "Hi. Yeah. About that? We're going to give you $200 and you have to pay us back $250. And when you don't have it? Yeah, we're going to keep renewing your loan. Forever. Yeah, seriously. The rest of your life. You'll never pay this off. You'll never pay this back. Good luck with that."

I guess they wouldn't make many loans that way, though. It's all about marketing.

Anyway. The true highlight of the day so far, between the nose-blowing and hurling, was The Maury show. I've seen Maury's show a few times over the years and have come to the conclusion that he has three topics for all shows:
1) Who's my baby's daddy?
2) My out-of-control teen
3) Whacky animals!

Today, luckily, was a show called something like, um, "Who's the daddy, you or your brother?"

To spare you from ever having to watch this show, because I'm generous like that, I'll tell you the basic paternity test show format:

1) Girl from the age of 16-22 on stage, crying.

2) Maury says something ridiculous like, "Angel is only 16 years old. Six months ago, she had a beautiful baby girl." Cue photo of baby backstage. Audience says, "AWWW!" Maury continues on to say, "Angel thought she had a picture perfect life with her boyfriend, a man called, Big Pimpin' Willie." Cue photo of BPW backstage, flashing what appears to be gang signs at the camera. Audience laughs and/or boos. Maury then says, "Unfortunately, all Angel's dreams for a perfect future were shattered when Big Pimpin' Willie started denying he was her baby's father. Take a look at this."

Sidenote: Clearly, Maury is on crack cocaine. I would venture to say that approximately 0% of people who are 16 and have a baby have a picture perfect life. For the love of frogs, even people who are 30 and have a baby don't have a picture perfect life what with all the poop and spit and whatnot.

3) Cue video of girl, alternately crying and shouting,

"I AM 200 PERCENT SURE THAT BIG PIMPIN' WILLIE IS THE FATHER OF MY BABY! HE SAYS I'VE BEEN SLEEPING AROUND! I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH ANYONE ELSE! MY BABY DESERVES A FATHER! HE NEEDS TO STAND UP AND BE A MAN!"

4) Cue audience. They all cheer.

5) Maury says, "Let's see what Big Pimpin' Willie has to say about this!"

6) Cue video of BPW. He shouts the following,

"I AM 1000% SURE I AM NOT THE FATHER OF ANGEL'S BABY! SHE'S A SLUT! SHE SLEPT WITH MY COUSIN, MY BEST FRIEND, AND THE FAMILY DOG! SHE'S JUST WANTS WHAT BIG PIMPIN' WILLIE'S GOT! ALL THE LADIES WANT A PIECE OF ME! ANGEL, WHEN THIS TEST PROVES I AIN'T YOUR BABY DADDY, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE!"

7) Camera cuts back to girl, who is out of her chair, waving her arms about wildly shouting, "BRING HIM OUT! BRING HIM OUT!"

8) BPW walks out. Audience boos. Girl shrieks at him, "HOW ARE YOU GONNA SAY THAT'S NOT YOUR BABY!" Walks over to the big screen on which Maury's staff has helpfully placed a photograph of the baby next to a photograph of BPW.

"SEE!" the girl shrieks. "They have the same lips! They have the same nose! They have the same backs of the ears! They looks just alike!"

BPW says, "Nah! That ain't my baby!"

9) Maury dramatically gets the results from someone sitting in the audience. "Let's find out now!"

10) Audience cheers.

11) Maury says, "In the case of 6 month old Sailor Moon, Big Pimpin' Willie, you ARE THE FATHER!"

12) Girl jumps up and shouts, "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE! YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE! YOU NEED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT! BLAH, BLAH!"

13) Cut to backstage. New dad holds baby. Hurray.

OR

11) Maury says, "In the case of 6 month old Sailor Moon, Big Pimpin' Willie, you ARE NOT THE FATHER!"

12) Girl shrieks and runs from the stage. Camera cuts to the backstage area where girl is flailing about, weeping and sobbing.

13) Big Pimpin' Willie is dancing about the stage saying something like, " Boo-yeah!" Or something, I don't know.

14) Cue Maury backstage. He says, "We'll help you find the father! We can test more men."

That Maury. He's crafty.

The variations are all pretty slight. If the girl gets pregnant by her husband's brother or something that segment has a slightly different feel. Not so different that you might mistake it for, say, The Today Show or anything. But Maury has to keep it fresh and exciting.

Sweet Lord. I'll work tomorrow. Being home makes my brain hurt in my own head.