Friday, January 12, 2007

That's not clever marketing.

I'm a big fan of commercials and the witty and catchy sayings they bring to me. I'm still looking for the Beef, twenty years later. I wanted that Taco Bell dog to take home and feed burritos to. I'm fairly certain that my children's first words were, "Ba-da-ba-pa-pa! I'm lovin' it!" and we don't even eat McDonalds food. I'm not sure about the last one. I'd have to look it up. My point is, I appreciate a good jingle.

I do not appreciate the one for sanitary napkins that wishes me a "Happy Period".

Note to the gentlemen who read my blog. I'll be talking about girlie bits now. Specifically, my girlie bits. If such things gross you out and whatnot, there are many nice websites who would love to have you. I think Hulk Hogan has a website now. Check with Vh1. I'd love to have you back after this!

Anyway. Back to me and my vagina.

I've been having my period since December 24th. DECEMBER TWENTY-FOURTH PEOPLE. Admittedly, I'm not good at doing math in my head and all, but that seems like about nineteen days.

I am bloated, irritable, my iron is low, and I want to cut everyone I see with a sharp knife, repeatedly. What part of this is happy again? Please remind me.

The part about my back hurting?
The part about me wanting to eat everything I see?
The part about wanting to come home, lay down on the couch, and sleep until next Tuesday?

Shockingly, none of that seems like anything happy or fun to me.

I've been irritated with the sanitary napkin industry for quite a few years anyway, ever since they came out with "Plus size" pads a few years ago. I would really like someone to explain to me why just because I'm a "plus size" that my cootcher is as well. Because, logistically? That just doesn't make sense. My really skinny ex-sister in law squeezed a huge kid through her vajayjay without any epidural. Maybe SHE needs plus sized pads. But me, over here with the c-section? Um, no. I mean, I accept that I have to shop in Lane Bryant instead of The Express, but let's not rob me of my dignity in the "Personal Care" aisle of the Kroger, okay?

So, Always or whoever? IT'S NOT A HAPPY PERIOD. PLEASE TAKE THAT STUPID COMMERCIAL OFF THE AIR BEFORE A BUNCH OF WOMEN WITH RAGING HORMONES COME AND DO PHYSICAL HARM TO YOU.

Thanks much.

15 comments:

wopalockapino said...

I was excited yet offended when I saw the plus sized pads on the shelf. Maybe because our underwear doesn't go up the crack of our asses we needed a bigger pad? I bought them and found no real difference. But every time I go back I find myself buying them again...

Did I hear you correctly? December 24? Are you on Depo? That would make me bleed like crazy but only every 3 months. I figured it served me right for trying to do away with it in the first place. I hope the flow stops soon.

I love your use of Vajayjay btw. That is one of the best words from last year. Did you watch Grey's last night? Did his dad die? No one will tell me!

Rachel said...

I actually laughed out loud while reading that post. OMG 19 days is waaaaaay too long. Even if it's 2 days, there ain't a damn thing happy about it.

Amy W said...

19 days with Aunt Flo? I feel you...

M said...

Oh honey darling. As if your jacked up periods aren't enough the catch phrases of commercials suck too. What is wrong with this world. (for the record? even w/o a 19 day period it makes me twitchy. HAPPY period? Does ANYONE have a happy period? I mean REALLY? If they do...lets go cut them. Together please.)

Brown Eyed Girl said...

I don't even wear pads and I'm irritated.

I personally miss the little taco bell rat dog.

But Happy Period....maybe when it's over?

AnnieM said...

I'm right there with you. I got an IUD December 11th, I think, or maybe the 17th, but still I've been spotting ever since! I don't know why I did this to myself. With my son I didn't get my period until 10month post partum. Now three months after my daughter i forced my stupid period. Stupid, stupid me...
Hows that for TMI?

Kellie said...

Happy period my *$#&!!! Long story short: at 25, I had surgery for severe endo, rec'd 6 monthly injections of Lupron and got to experience what menopause is ALL about and let me tell ya: NOT looking forward to it years from now!! I've been where you are with the non-stop flow and it sucks...I'm sorry :( On a happier note: LOVE your blog. Found it through another I read...

SJ said...

My goodness girl. I feel for you....

Em said...

Okay, man talking here. I covered my eyes when you exposed your...parts...to the world. But, okay, I'll admit...I peeked.

While peeking, I read your disdain for the Happy Period commercial. My wife had a similar feeling regarding a pad commercial that showed a pinball ball bouncing around inside a pad (supposedly showing that the sides would not let it out or something like that). And her response was an indignant comment that 'having my period is NOT the same as having a game in my pants!'

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

We are praying for Jason.

Maybe a stupid question, but.....have you called your doctor?

velocibadgergirl said...

I'm SO SORRY for a 19-day-period, but I love you long time for saying "cootcher." Oh, how I laughed!

That Chick Over There said...

Oh Lord, I love comments almost as much as the end pieces of bread.

You guys CRACK ME UP.

Yes, I've called the doctor and yes I have an appointment.

That being said? This is pretty normal for me. This happens about once every three or four months. It's part of the natural disaster that is me.

CPA Mom said...

19 days? My head just exploded.

That reminds me of an email forward I got. I'm going to go rustle it up and post it. Tehehehehe

Emma in Canada said...

Holy shit to the 19 day period. It's almost like giving birth again but not having the cuddly baby to make all that bleeding worth it.

After I had the baby and had to buy pads I was looking down, as you do, and saw the happy period note. I almost died on the toilet. I wrote about it in my other blog I was that annoyed. Because believe me that 5 weeks of blood was not pretty. What was even worse was that a week after it stopped I got my period. And that's with breastfeeding. Ugh.

my4kids said...

"PLEASE TAKE THAT STUPID COMMERCIAL OFF THE AIR BEFORE A BUNCH OF WOMEN WITH RAGING HORMONES COME AND DO PHYSICAL HARM TO YOU"

I'm so with you on that one, count me in!