Lately, I've been forced to spend money when I didn't want to.
Okay, for example? I had to get two new tires and get my tires rotated and balanced and aligned and all those other words that I don't necessarily understand? I mean, I know I had to do it, but it makes me a little twitchy.
My son broke three pair of glasses within like, four weeks, and so he had to get new glasses. And while I appreciate that my son needs to, you know, see and stuff, I still felt a bit spun up when I wrote that check.
Also? Years ago my husband's mother bought us a table and chairs for Christmas. It's, um, not that great. Anyway, my chair broke about six months ago. I sat down in it and the back broke off and I fell out of the chair, literally. My feet flew over my head and I fell backwards and hit my head on the cabinet. And I just lay there for like, two and a half minutes, and my husband was all like, "OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?" And then? I totally started laughing because sweet Lord, that was probably just hysterical if it wasn't, you know, actually happening to you. And then my husband, helpfully, said, "I don't want you to say the chair broke because you are overweight. Because the SEAT didn't break." And that? Made me laugh even harder. But anyway, we had to buy new chairs for our kitchen table so we didn't have to sit in the floor.
Oh and something was kind of funky in our wiring and it kept making our new washer and dryer mess up (and oh yeah, did I mention we had to freaking pay for that recently too? Sweet Lord.) and so I felt kind of twitchy when I wrote that check too.
I guess the point is, I'm feeling kind of...um, panicked. Yes, panicked is a very good word. Because I like to have money in the BANK, not so much in the hands of the furniture place and the electrician. You know?
When my twins were really little I was so freaking poor. There were so many times I just didn't know what I was going to do. It was one of the most scary times of my life. No one should ever have to worry about if they would have money to put diapers on their baby's bottoms. There should be a federal law against that or something.
But anyway, I am really grateful and thankful that I have a decent job and I'm really grateful and thankful that my husband has a decent job, but I still get really, really frustrated, panicked, afraid and scared about being poor.
Someone asked me recently, "Well, what's comfortable?" in terms of money. I thought about it and I said, "I felt comfortable once I didn't check the checking account balance before going to the grocery store." Because I've done that SO many times. Sometimes I still do it. Okay, usually I still do it. And I don't have to do it now. But I still do.
I don't know if I'll ever feel "okay" about money. I really hate that about myself.