I have twins. Ask me dumb questions.

Today I was talking to my little sister (I know. I know. She's 29. Hardly little. But still, she's little to me) and she said, "When people find out I'm having twins, it's like, they LOSE their MINDS!"

Oh my frog. No kidding!

When I was pregnant no one could really tell I was pregnant. I wore my regular jeans until 2 weeks before I gave birth. Plus, I spent a lot of time walking up and down the hall of my house and very little time out in public or whatever, so really a lot of people didn't know I was pregnant.

Anyway, once I gave birth it was like every freak came out of the woodwork and wanted to a) talk to me, b) be my best friend forever and c) hold my baby.


I found I really enjoy messing with people.

My babies were so small that they would both fit into one infant car seat. Of course I wouldn't let them ride in the car like that, but if I had to go to the store, I would take one infant out of one seat and place them next to the one in the other seat. Then I only had to carry one. It made my life a lot easier. If I had to run into a store, I would toss a blanket over them so they could sleep and run in and get my milk or whatever.

I would set the carrier in my buggy and try not to talk to anyone, but it didn't stop anyone from talking to me. Once an elderly lady really really really REALLY wanted to engage me in conversation because she really wanted to get a look at my baby. In the nicest way possible I said, "Shhh...baby's sleeping." She stuck her head down INTO THE CART. I restrained myself from knocking her out. I think there is a law against bitch slapping senior citizens. Or something. Suddenly two little feet popped out of the blanket. She was beside herself and started tickling
the feet. And then, a third foot popped out. Grandma almost passed out. I smiled at her. She said, "Oh my!" and practically ran to the produce aisle.

It was a great day.

I also found that people feel it is well within their right to ask you insane and wildly inappropriate questions. Among the best:

1) Are they identical?

No. He has a penis. She has a vagina. Therefore they are not identical.

2) Is he black? Do they have the same father?

Twins, people. TWINS. Maybe you can't tell they are twins NOW that they are almost nine. But really, when you are lugging about two infants? They pretty much have to be your very own babies or else you have a death wish.

A lady in Wal-Mart once insisted to me that she "seen on the Dateline NBC that twins can have two different fathers!" and I said, "Well mine don't lady!"

Good Lord.

Okay and Boy Child has a nice tan. For the love of God.

3) Is one of them evil?

No, they both are. Thanks for asking!

4) Are you breast feeding? Why not?

Explain to me please, how my breasts are any of your business? A twenty-year old guy at the Health Department asked me this and was really interested in my answer. Go ahead. Throw up in your mouth a little. I know I did.

5) Do you love one of them more than another?

Well of course! Doesn't every mother have one kid that they love more than the others? I mean, seriously, I was planning on feeding Girl Child to the wolves when she gets to be ten.

GOOD LORD PEOPLE. GOOD. LORD.

6) Can I hold one?

Why certainly, individual who looks like they haven't washed their hands in fifteen years and might possibly be a mass murderer! Please let me hand you the most prized possession I have on this earth! That would certainly be a fantastic idea. While I'm at it, why don't I give you my credit cards and social security number for safekeeping?

7) Was it hard?

Nah. I look like this on purpose.