Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I have twins. Ask me dumb questions.

Today I was talking to my little sister (I know. I know. She's 29. Hardly little. But still, she's little to me) and she said, "When people find out I'm having twins, it's like, they LOSE their MINDS!"

Oh my frog. No kidding!

When I was pregnant no one could really tell I was pregnant. I wore my regular jeans until 2 weeks before I gave birth. Plus, I spent a lot of time walking up and down the hall of my house and very little time out in public or whatever, so really a lot of people didn't know I was pregnant.

Anyway, once I gave birth it was like every freak came out of the woodwork and wanted to a) talk to me, b) be my best friend forever and c) hold my baby.


I found I really enjoy messing with people.

My babies were so small that they would both fit into one infant car seat. Of course I wouldn't let them ride in the car like that, but if I had to go to the store, I would take one infant out of one seat and place them next to the one in the other seat. Then I only had to carry one. It made my life a lot easier. If I had to run into a store, I would toss a blanket over them so they could sleep and run in and get my milk or whatever.

I would set the carrier in my buggy and try not to talk to anyone, but it didn't stop anyone from talking to me. Once an elderly lady really really really REALLY wanted to engage me in conversation because she really wanted to get a look at my baby. In the nicest way possible I said, "Shhh...baby's sleeping." She stuck her head down INTO THE CART. I restrained myself from knocking her out. I think there is a law against bitch slapping senior citizens. Or something. Suddenly two little feet popped out of the blanket. She was beside herself and started tickling
the feet. And then, a third foot popped out. Grandma almost passed out. I smiled at her. She said, "Oh my!" and practically ran to the produce aisle.

It was a great day.

I also found that people feel it is well within their right to ask you insane and wildly inappropriate questions. Among the best:

1) Are they identical?

No. He has a penis. She has a vagina. Therefore they are not identical.

2) Is he black? Do they have the same father?

Twins, people. TWINS. Maybe you can't tell they are twins NOW that they are almost nine. But really, when you are lugging about two infants? They pretty much have to be your very own babies or else you have a death wish.

A lady in Wal-Mart once insisted to me that she "seen on the Dateline NBC that twins can have two different fathers!" and I said, "Well mine don't lady!"

Good Lord.

Okay and Boy Child has a nice tan. For the love of God.

3) Is one of them evil?

No, they both are. Thanks for asking!

4) Are you breast feeding? Why not?

Explain to me please, how my breasts are any of your business? A twenty-year old guy at the Health Department asked me this and was really interested in my answer. Go ahead. Throw up in your mouth a little. I know I did.

5) Do you love one of them more than another?

Well of course! Doesn't every mother have one kid that they love more than the others? I mean, seriously, I was planning on feeding Girl Child to the wolves when she gets to be ten.

GOOD LORD PEOPLE. GOOD. LORD.

6) Can I hold one?

Why certainly, individual who looks like they haven't washed their hands in fifteen years and might possibly be a mass murderer! Please let me hand you the most prized possession I have on this earth! That would certainly be a fantastic idea. While I'm at it, why don't I give you my credit cards and social security number for safekeeping?

7) Was it hard?

Nah. I look like this on purpose.

26 comments:

Gerbil said...

I just laughed so hard I injured myself. It was so worth it, too.

Em said...

Oh god, these are hilarious. I can't believe people really ask such dumb questions!

Real Life in South Carolina said...

I love reading posts that make me laugh out loud! That was so funny...the story about the third leg popping out...that was GREAT!

HeiressChild said...

you are so funny! people do say the darndest things, don't they? on this clubmom blog i was reading yesterday, the mother was saying how irritating people are in keep trying to tell her that her twins are identical instead of fraternal. you'd think the mom would know. duh!

Bethany said...

People really are stupid.

stepmomof2 said...

Hillarious! Third foot popping out, it's a wonder she didn't have a heart attack. Oh well, that'll teach her to meddle, lol.

nailgirl24 said...

I get questions and comments all the time about my baby. People always want to know if he has a broken leg because he wears and orthopedic cast.I told this one lady that his daycare provider broke it it. I did tell her the truth though cuz i felt bad. I know people mean well and are concerned but geez people.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Bill Engvall was right. Stupid people should be made to wear a sign. That way you'd know about them ahead of time.

I like your method of discovering who they are also. The way you deal with them is admirable.

I can't believe that someone would actually ask if a little baby was evil.

holy crap

my4kids said...

I used to get stupid questions like that when mine were little. The boys were 18 months apart and when Joshua was about 1 and Izzak 2.5 they would ask me if they were twins. I never got that I mean they weren't even close in size? They did that with the girls also. The other question I like was when they were all mine. Well what do you think? Would anyone take 4 kids under 5 to the grocery store for fun? Or they would tell me I was brave to take them all out. Hmm I didn't really have a choice was I to leave the infant home alone or the 5 year old? People do ask stupid questions I agree thought they should be made to wear signs with "I'm a Stupid person" written on them. Congratulations to your sister though on her twins! Also I am jealous that you could wear your jeans up to two weeks before delivery. I didn't even get to do that with Joshua and he was almost 8 weeks early.

frannie said...

too funny!

Love the third leg story! heelarious!

M said...

What...no questions on whether or not you used fertility meds to have them? That's my favorite inappropriate question to ask a mother of a multiple. I am always in awe when I hear someone seriously ask. Same with did you have them vaginally or by c-section. WHY oh WHY do people think that baby = ask anything?

People have ZERO home training. But you knew this.

The idea of your childfolk who I love so much in one carrier together makes me grin, btw. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back in time and see those little legs pop out! GAH!

barbex said...

Oh I'm laughing so hard! And I should be working....

Nobody asked me anything with my baby, must be different over here. Or maybe I did radiate that aura of "Annoy me and die!" that I always feel outside among the idiots!

"Do you love one more than another?" Good $deity, what are people thinking? Are they thinking? At all?

Shanilie said...

lol too funny. I like how you say things the way they are and say it in such a way that I can just feel how you were feeling. I don't understand where or why people ask the questions they do. The people who ask if you love one more than another must not have their own children.

I will just add one more question to the bunch, In your case was it genetics of other family members who have had twins? Or were you just the other percentage that has twins by chance? I am just currious about these things. I am going to have to look into this. I have heard that it skips a generation, but other times I heard that it comes from the Dad? Just curious.

That Chick Over There said...

Shanilie, I'm the first person in my family ever that we know of to have twins. When my sister got pregnant with twins everyone was shocked, because we thought it was a 1 time fluke thing.

Weird, no?

Ashley said...

I can relate to my4kids every one always wanted to know if my children were twins, triplets, someone elses - going to target with a 0, 1, 2, & 3 yr old ain't easy - ha ha I typed ain't

Debbie said...

Hilarious! The thrid leg one is my fabourite.

I have a couple of friends who have twins, and they've mentioned their frustration at all of the questions. Now, when I see somone with twins in a store or something, I barely look at them and run in the opposite direction. ;) Don't mess with a mom with two babies who is getting barely any sleep.

Debbie said...

Sp-el-ling...not-too-goood on that one! Oops!

Angie said...

I am a weirdo person and would ask you stupid questions, too.

dawnabon said...

People STILL ask me if my brother and I are identical. Oddly enough my mom and I were talking about this yesterday! She said she used to take us out in our little strollers. My brother was skinny, dark-haired, and medium in skin tone, and I was chubby, round, platinum blonde, and white as a sheet (just like now!) I would be wearing my little pink outfit with a bow in my hair, and my brother would be wearing, you know, boy clothes. And people would STILL ask that question - when they could SEE both of us! Blows my mind.
;o)

Twins is good.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Since this post is about more stupid people, I thought you might like this.

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

Just copy to your browser, and enjoy this wicked awesome day!

Kellie said...

You always make me giggle out loud and today? SO needed that :)

Kelly M said...

OMG - you are hilarious!! Way too funny! I can't believe people would actually ask those questions..oh wait..yeah I can..there are some pretty niave ppl out there...

Michelle said...

Loved your post today, had me laughing out loud!!

Catwoman said...

How in the world were you pregnant with twins and able to wear your regular jeans until two weeks before they were born? I'm in awe of you!

I was a flight attendant for 3 1/2 years, I've heard more stupid questions during that time than any other time.

And then of course, there's nothing like going through a store with a crying baby and having someone tell you "oh, he's hungry, that's a hunger cry." Uhm thanks strange person who knows my baby better than I do, but I just fed him.

velocibadgergirl said...

I nearly died reading about the grandma and the three feet. Good Lord.

Twins is good. ;)

Andrea said...

Oh my Lord, you made my day... I just was Blog Hopping when I came to your webblog...

I put this now to my favorite list...

I really love the way you write and I cant wait for more...

Warms regards from Germany

Andrea