Blood!

I don't understand women.

Okay, I know I am one. But still. I lack understanding.

When I was a little girl I used to complain that my two cousins, Jenny and Missy, did not want to play with me. Now, I am an adult and I realize they didn't necessarily mind playing with me, but I didn't want to play what they wanted to play. Which was always either: house, mothers, or wives. They'd say, "Okay, I'm Mrs. Earl Deal and you are Mrs. Wayne Counts. And Chick? Who is your boyfriend?" and I'd be all like, "I'm NINE. I don't like boys! I want to play Spiderman!"

So they didn't want to play with me.

While this probably sounds like just a personal issue or possibly the beginning of the sequel to "Mean Girls", it really is just further proof that I don't understand anything about girls, being a girl, and what being a girl entails. They weren't really mean to me, not really. But I didn't understand them then, and quite frankly, I don't understand them now.

Not that I'm a tomboy, or ever was. I have a pink iPod, a red cell phone, and an It bag. I don't mind getting dirt under my fingernails, but those fingernails are going to be well-groomed. I tend to squeal when I see things that excite me, and yes, I cry when I get angry, upset, or frustrated. So I'm pretty much a girl. I mean, I can totally throw down if the situation warrants it. But it so rarely does. And it messes up my hair, so I try to avoid that.

I always had a ton of friends who were boys when I was growing up. Not until the past three or four years have I had a lot of girlfriends, and lately? I'm figuring out why.

Because a lot of girls? Are mean.

I have a good friend at work, who is a boy, who told me about when he was in high school and played on the football team. His coach would periodically scream out, "BLOOD!" and they would all stop what they were doing and just beat the ever-loving crap out of each other.

I totally think girls should do that. Seriously.

Because when you think about it? You get all your aggressions out and then you can be okay with one another again.

The way things have been working for me lately? Well, pretty much it's as follows:

Let's be jealous.
Because of our jealousy, let's say rude things behind one another's backs.
Let's be really sweet to each other's faces.
Let's talk smack to everyone about each other and then pretend we didn't do it.

So yeah. It both sucks and blows.

The bad part? The jealousy is over completely stupid, meaningless things. The worst part? Not just confronting the issue.

Why do girls do this? Seriously? Why? Because, I guarantee you that if my husband has an issue with me, he'll come to me and say, "Chick, here is my issue and here is how I think this should be resolved." Why is it so hard for me to say to my friend, "Hey friend? I've heard you've been talking complete and total smack about me behind my back. In the future, if you have something to say regarding my work, my parenting skills, or my fat ass, how about you bring it up to my face instead of with everyone that I've ever met, ever?" Is that to much to ask?

I got really angry recently when I saw on one of those stupid "entertainment" type programs, a "news" story about Hilary Clinton's butt looking big in her pantsuit. Does Barack Obama have to worry about someone reporting that his butt looks big in his Dockers? Does Fred Thompson? Um, no. And you know? Honestly? I sincerely doubt that any man on this planet thought that was a news story. I would be willing to bet a lot of green money that that important news was brought to us by none other than a woman who was jealous and decided to be a Snarky McSnarkypants.

I recently got a raise, and I mentioned it to some of my close friends. Later, I heard them talking about it (they didn't know I was within hearing range) and they were totally dissing me, when they had acted happy to my face. They were all like, "SHE doesn't deserve that raise! She JUST graduated! I've been out of school for ten years. I DESERVE that raise!"

And you know? Maybe they do deserve a raise. Hell, they probably do. Women accept so much less pay for the same work as men do. Women should really ban together and do something about that. Except, oh wait! That's right! They are to busy being mean and catty and jealous of one another that they can't.

That's it. Seriously. I'm calling Blood. If you got issues with me sister, bring it to the table. This jealousy and snarktasticness has got to end.