Did someone say OPEN LETTERS?

Dear Husband:

Sweet, sweet man, I do so adore you.

However, your recent actions? Make me want to hit you about the head with a raw chicken.

For example, sweet love, I really don't mind you borrowing my car to go to your meeting in Nashville. I know you didn't want to take the rental car all that way. However, when I gave you the car? The gas tank was full. When you gave me the car back? Not so much.

Additionally? I know you have a super bad memory, honey bunch, but really? If you could attempt to make an effort to remember when I have meetings? That would be super. Because you are the only one who rings "Build me up Buttercup" on the cell phone and it's really just difficult for me to impress these people who are older, smarter, and make 100x my annual salary on a monthly basis, when I have cute 60's style ditties playing on my cell phone.

Also sweetness? I know you are upset and frustrated about the situation with the car. I know that you want to get it resolved. However, calling me twenty times a day and asking me to call the insurance company is not the answer. I have called. I have called the company we have the loan with. I have told you every word they said. Me calling them every twenty minutes will only serve to make them very, very angry and put our claim on the bottom of the stack. Yes, they should have the information when they say they will. I totally agree. That does not mean I can fix it.

Please, be a dear and try to check yourself regarding the following items, lest a raw chicken be flung at you Kung Fu style as you walk through the door this evening.

I love you one million!
Your adoring wife





Dear fat ass:

Haven't we already talked about this? Consider this your 2nd notice of eviction! Biznatch!

Love,
That Chick





Dear stubborn belly fat:

See the above note to my fat ass. Please heed accordingly.

Love,
That Chick





Dear Hostess 100 Calorie Pack:

Why must you and your chocolatey goodness tempt me so? It's not time to eat you! Stop looking at me like that!

Hungrily yours,
That Chick





Dear member of my family that I actually do really love:

Why, oh why must you take every positive thing I tell you and turn it into a dig towards me? I ask you? Because I'm really freaking proud of my kid for bringing up his grades recently. He's done extremely well. So when I tell you, BECAUSE I'M PROUD, you decide to tell me, once again, that had I not been going to college that he would have been doing well all along. So sorry for my efforts to better myself. That huge raise and promotion I got about 1 month after graduation clearly would have been mine no matter what, right? And the fact that the kid's vision decreased signficantly and he's been doing better since he got, oh, um, NEW GLASSES certainly had nothing to do with his considerable improvement in school. Certainly not! For that would be LOGICAL and NOT MEAN and we can't have that.

I really do love you, but I wish you'd think before you speak.

Love,
That Chick





Dear person who suggested I might be bi-polar:

Bite me.

Love and Stuff,
That Chick





Dear female employee of my husband:

Honey, I don't know if you've ever heard of this, but there is a little something called: PERSONAL SPACE. You really might want to invest some time in studying this concept. I mean, I'm a pretty open individual, but when you came up to me the very first time I met you and stood so close to me that I could smell the Sonic breakfast burrito that you had for breakfast on your breath? Dude.

I'm just saying it's a wee-tad off-putting and could explain certain other things about your personality. Your inability to find a date and/or husband for example. Also, I appreciate knowing all about your inability to find a date and/or husband, because, you know, you TOLD me all about it the first fifteen minutes I knew you. But again, other people may see that as an issue.

Okay? If I can be of any assistance, let me know. But call me. Don't come over. I need a little room to breathe.

Thanks!
That Chick